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40 Reasons Not to Have a Kid

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The Childless Bitch finally finds something that makes her Team Mommy.

no kids book cover

Childless Bitch: Mommies, just this once, because I have a rep to protect -- and because there are many, many things you and your spawn do that make me want to run through Kids "R" Us screaming, "There is no tooth fairy!" and "Your mommy mashes up spinach in your brownies!" and "Go ahead and pee in the pool, the red dye is an urban legend!" -- I will only say this one time. I have stumbled across something that has made me profoundly Team Mommy.

A woman, a mother of two, no less, has penned a book called No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children, and guess what -- she makes the Childless Bitch look like the Patron Saint of Toddlers. Seriously, if you think I'm heartless, this book will make your head explode. From the get-go, "best-selling" French author Corinne Maier warns the reader, "Open your eyes! Your kids are going to be 'loser babies,' destined for unemployment, or precarious, inferior jobs." Are the profits of her book sales going toward her own children's future unemployment fund?

The first few reasons why you should never have children are stacked with notions meant for no other purpose than to incite a reaction. Maier states that "wanting to reproduce yourself at any cost is to aspire to the pinnacle of banality." In other words, the fact that you would ever want children makes you totally boring. Another reason not to become a parent, according to Maier: so you can keep having fun, and because having kids means you can no longer travel "anywhere except to stupid destinations featuring beaches, the sea, or day care." Wait, so is all of Hawaii stupid? Maier's ramblings are on par with wing-nut talk radio hosts. Her insipid reasons offer nothing more than pure shock value. In reality, the only thing I found shocking was that this person has kids. Kids who will one day pick up her book and see what terrible a**holes their mom thought they were.

The shock eventually weaves into passages of psychobabble and uneven, mundane history lessons. I think the author sensed that the middle of her 126-page book was starting to drag, and so she started up with the crazy again, at one point declaring that, "Children who read all the time will turn into total flakes." She justifies this by stating that she herself loved to read so much that she became "completely asocial and incapable of teamwork." Ladies, quick -- toss that lazy child cradling their summer reading list off the couch and immediately replace their book with a Wii remote. Do it now -- or your kid might end up a publisher's intern! Did that make no sense whatsoever? Yeah, well neither does this book.

I understand that a lot of Maier's reasons for not having kids are overexaggerations, meant to be taken as humorous. I just don't understand for whom this book is intended. If I, without child, was annoyed and offended by it, what the hell are you mommies going to think? I would pass on this one.

Oh, and I still don't care about little Cayden making it in the big-boy potty! Ahem, rep protected.

next: N.J. Teacher Fined $22G for Personal Call in Class
6 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jenny August 13, 2009, 8:22 AM

She makes you look like the tooth fairy. Although I must say a little imp collecting teeth is pretty scary….

Julie Kidd August 13, 2009, 3:08 PM

40 Reasons to LAUGH! Read “MOMALOGUE, A Journey Through a Single Mother’s Hood. Book now on sale at Amazon!

Jill (the other one) August 13, 2009, 6:03 PM

I think what bothers me more than the content is the fact that the author has two children. How are they supposed to feel when they read this? And they will read it eventually.

mercaties August 15, 2009, 12:11 AM

Maybe I don’t know how to read but could swear this site is called MOMLOGIC which enclines me to think it’s a website for mom’s and people who actually like their children most of the time.

KPM August 15, 2009, 5:19 PM

Um, I’m INCLINED to think you can’t read. There’s no apostrophe in pluralizing the word ‘mom.’ But props on the correct usage of ‘their’ and ‘it’s.’

Also, Mom Logic is all encompassing, meaning new mommies sometimes need a reality check about the new mommy world the rest of us aren’t living in.

Mandie October 11, 2009, 5:32 PM

You are a hoot. I’m a mom and I love it only when my kid’s aren’t acting like little turds. How evil of me.

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