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Childless Bitch on Back to School

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Hooray! They're heading back to school! Yay for the moms! Yay for the dads! Three cheers for education! Finally, mommies are saved!


Childless Bitch: Ugh. You people disgust me. It's time to stop laughing at the Staples commercial of the dad singing to "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (the joke is old) and enter the reality of the CB. What's that? You're sick of your kids lying around the house all summer? Gosh! Who would have thought spending some quality time with your flesh and blood would be so bad? Oh. Um ... me! So, one would think the CB and the Moms of the World would agree (gasp! For once!) that Back to School Time is a Happy Time, right? Wrong!

School's in session, Mamas! While your brats are heading back into isolated confinement, somehow I am the one paying the price. Below are only a few of the ways your bizarre back to school rituals inconvenience my life -- big time:

1. 10 minutes are added to my morning commute because your lousy kid can't climb the school bus stairs quicker. Last time I checked it was called the short bus, not the slow bus.

2. My beloved Target is in shambles thanks to psychotic moms tearing up the aisles trying to figure out the difference between college and wide-ruled. Why is a hunt for No. 2 pencils cause for pandemonium? Do kids even use pencils anymore? Aren't they too busy texting each other in broken English?

3. No more cheap child labor. I'm forced to hire a professional dog walker and lawn care service because your kid had to return to class. Let's be honest -- I've seen that vacant stare in Timmy's eyes. No diploma is saving him from a career in mower riding, so why not forget school and let him get a head start on my crabgrass?

4. Head lice.

5. My local supermarket looks like a third world country because you packed Can't Believe He's Going to College Clark with enough rations and toiletries for his five-year plan. P.S. -- he's selling that food for drugs.

6. All the fall clothes in my size are completely sold out thanks to your teenage princess receiving a new outfit for every day of the week. I can't decide--are you moms consumed with constant guilt or just complete suckers? Probably both. Who do I need to speak to about school uniforms?

7. Last time I checked, back to school wasn't a holiday recognized in the employee handbook. If you're taking a half-day to photograph for your "Through the Years" scrapbook, I'm taking a half-day for my making it "Through the Morning" hangover.  

8. The return of midget panhandlers. Unless the Chocolate Thriller your kid is selling vibrates and comes with double AA batteries, I'm not interested in supporting local education.

9. Dealing with emotionally wrecked moms at work. What is so stressful about getting a child ready for back to school? Hand the kid a ruler and push him out the door. School is all about survival of the fittest.  If he can't figure out how to dress himself, find food and make friends on his own, there's nothing you can do anyway. Except maybe buy him a lawnmower.  

10.  Speaking of work, thanks to Margie's 10 a.m. orthodontist appointment and Sally's 4 p.m. piano lesson, I'm stuck picking up your slack at work. Don't these kids have a father?  Or at least a child support check to pay for transportation?

I just can't win. You can lock the kids up in school for six hours, yet moms roam free picking up their annoying slack. Is there no justice in this kid-infested world?

To higher learning!

next: A Mommy Mid-Life Crisis
42 comments so far | Post a comment now
CV August 25, 2009, 7:23 AM

@ no. 10 - instead of whining about uniforms, how about doing something useful, like, oh, I don’t know, trying to convince doctors etc. that 71% of moms work and that having the first appt of the day at 10 a.m. doesn’t do $hit for us? (BTW - its expected that Mom will do; Dad will catch nothing but $hit at work for doing this…)

Hey, take a half day for your hangover, I care not, heck I’ll even support it! Based on my own experience, I’ll take the kiddo on the first day (our bus drivers were INcapable of being on time the first day…nothing like starting the year off with an unexcused tardy!).

What is wrong with your Target that you can’t avoid the BTS section? Mine’s in the back corner. It doesn’t reach the rest of the store. WTFork?

And no. 6 - why are you wearing clothing fit for a teenager? Its trampy.

Jenny August 25, 2009, 8:04 AM

CB you are slipping, that was totally lame, what the heck, are you going soft?

Erica B. August 25, 2009, 8:26 AM

Leave home before the buses and keep your old azz out of the junior departments. Forever 21 is NOT your friend.

Anonymous August 25, 2009, 8:49 AM

not sure, but pretty sure that most of this was used from last years article.

Lisa August 25, 2009, 9:01 AM

Bitter much? Excuse us for trying to raise the next generation. Perhaps if you had the love of your own children in your life you wouldn’t be so angry.

Ash August 25, 2009, 9:56 AM

this is the same post as last year - I hope they are not paying you for this

Kelly August 25, 2009, 4:08 PM

Who names their kids Margie or Sally? Was this piece written in 1949?

mercaties August 25, 2009, 5:09 PM

I can not understand why the owners of this website let her post here. This is called MOMLOGIC can’t she find a website that’s called child haters or soemthing?

Angela August 25, 2009, 10:14 PM

Wow. It must be hard to go through life that bitter.

Anonymous August 25, 2009, 10:22 PM

you’re not funny

meg August 25, 2009, 10:24 PM

what the hell is this? All I can say is, thank God YOU were never, of course, a child.

Dr T August 25, 2009, 10:25 PM

Uhm… From a parent.

Kiss it, CB.


Anonymous August 25, 2009, 10:32 PM

Just found your site….hilarious.

Anonymous August 25, 2009, 10:40 PM

wow! are you okay now?

Sad mom August 25, 2009, 10:42 PM

I loved this article, I have two kids and I agree with all of it! I miss them when they are gone, this is not a national holiday, and most mom’s spoil and create monsters for back to school and try to live every moment through there kids lives!

Eric August 25, 2009, 10:50 PM

Haha! This was hilarious :D Everyone needs to ease up a bit!

Anonymous August 25, 2009, 10:53 PM

yer stoopid

jorge August 25, 2009, 10:56 PM

you need to get laid

JM August 25, 2009, 11:10 PM

Lol you do need to get laid. And you did sound a lot like a bitter bee. I agree with some of it, but really, chill it out. Its a busy time for everyone. And you don’t seem like you are the type to be around kids that much, so you probably don’t have to worry about lice unless you are a dirty b!tch.

Just a gal August 25, 2009, 11:18 PM

I just wonder if the point of this website is to get reactions from others regardless of what type of attention it is?
You know, like our wonderful children sometimes do?

Kids are absolutly beautiful and bring much joy into our world.

I accept and appreciate every challenge this Mom thing brings with it, I hope all of you who read this do too.

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