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Childless Bitch on Back to School

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Hooray! They're heading back to school! Yay for the moms! Yay for the dads! Three cheers for education! Finally, mommies are saved!


Childless Bitch: Ugh. You people disgust me. It's time to stop laughing at the Staples commercial of the dad singing to "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (the joke is old) and enter the reality of the CB. What's that? You're sick of your kids lying around the house all summer? Gosh! Who would have thought spending some quality time with your flesh and blood would be so bad? Oh. Um ... me! So, one would think the CB and the Moms of the World would agree (gasp! For once!) that Back to School Time is a Happy Time, right? Wrong!

School's in session, Mamas! While your brats are heading back into isolated confinement, somehow I am the one paying the price. Below are only a few of the ways your bizarre back to school rituals inconvenience my life -- big time:

1. 10 minutes are added to my morning commute because your lousy kid can't climb the school bus stairs quicker. Last time I checked it was called the short bus, not the slow bus.

2. My beloved Target is in shambles thanks to psychotic moms tearing up the aisles trying to figure out the difference between college and wide-ruled. Why is a hunt for No. 2 pencils cause for pandemonium? Do kids even use pencils anymore? Aren't they too busy texting each other in broken English?

3. No more cheap child labor. I'm forced to hire a professional dog walker and lawn care service because your kid had to return to class. Let's be honest -- I've seen that vacant stare in Timmy's eyes. No diploma is saving him from a career in mower riding, so why not forget school and let him get a head start on my crabgrass?

4. Head lice.

5. My local supermarket looks like a third world country because you packed Can't Believe He's Going to College Clark with enough rations and toiletries for his five-year plan. P.S. -- he's selling that food for drugs.

6. All the fall clothes in my size are completely sold out thanks to your teenage princess receiving a new outfit for every day of the week. I can't decide--are you moms consumed with constant guilt or just complete suckers? Probably both. Who do I need to speak to about school uniforms?

7. Last time I checked, back to school wasn't a holiday recognized in the employee handbook. If you're taking a half-day to photograph for your "Through the Years" scrapbook, I'm taking a half-day for my making it "Through the Morning" hangover.  

8. The return of midget panhandlers. Unless the Chocolate Thriller your kid is selling vibrates and comes with double AA batteries, I'm not interested in supporting local education.

9. Dealing with emotionally wrecked moms at work. What is so stressful about getting a child ready for back to school? Hand the kid a ruler and push him out the door. School is all about survival of the fittest.  If he can't figure out how to dress himself, find food and make friends on his own, there's nothing you can do anyway. Except maybe buy him a lawnmower.  

10.  Speaking of work, thanks to Margie's 10 a.m. orthodontist appointment and Sally's 4 p.m. piano lesson, I'm stuck picking up your slack at work. Don't these kids have a father?  Or at least a child support check to pay for transportation?

I just can't win. You can lock the kids up in school for six hours, yet moms roam free picking up their annoying slack. Is there no justice in this kid-infested world?

To higher learning!

next: A Mommy Mid-Life Crisis
42 comments so far | Post a comment now
A Fellow CB August 25, 2009, 11:25 PM

I agree wholeheartedly. The world revolves around swolen, short-haired, toddler obsessed mommies. I would rather have my toenails removed one by one than pop out a kid. Yuck.

Fran August 26, 2009, 12:13 AM

Fellow CB:

Come over my house and I’ll get the pliers.

IDK the point of this column. Seems like it’s better suited to a magazine for bitter, angry, SINGLE, middle aged women- like Cat Fancy, maybe.

J August 26, 2009, 3:42 PM

Hilarious once again. Any posters hating on you are just upset because they recognize themselves in your words.

no name August 30, 2009, 10:08 AM

There’s a reason you’re childless… man in his right mind would want to procreate with someone as bitter and intolerant as you. You really need to drop the “B” from your name…..because you’re nothin’ but a “C”.

Dee September 1, 2009, 9:21 AM

Wha Wha, you sound like a big baby!

Lisa September 2, 2009, 1:46 PM

You know, if you’re competing with Back-to-school teenage girls for clothing, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your wardrobe choices.

Susan September 2, 2009, 5:17 PM

You GO CB! it’s funny how all these moms call YOU bitter - but they all have something bitter to say themselves about you. I think you’re hysterical! If people don’t get it, their panties are in a serious wad! Lighten up, people, she’s funny! And if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing! Isn’t that what you teach your precious children? I’ve noticed some of the comments from moms are so mean - to innocent little articles not even written by CB. Sometimes moms can be meaner than anyone out there. So much for being a good example to your children. Okay, evil moms, let’s hear it… (yawn)

Anonymous September 3, 2009, 8:00 AM

I will laugh when you get knocked up. My kids aren’t in school yet and I don’t notice any of this except the traffic which is actually an extra 30 mins if you live in LA.

alicia kenny September 4, 2009, 6:28 AM

Oh my , my child just left (to walk to school…) and I sat down to these comments. What a way to start MY morning now….I’m smiling ear to ear and giggled to the point of a tear !
CB , you’re just lovely and authentic !
Kudos to all the ladies whose comments tried (in vain ) to all remind the “wound too tight” mommys to “lighten up” ! I think someone coined the term “panties in a bunch”….
accurately put. Not only do I believe that CB is “getting laid” ,but I’m sure it’s good and often if she can wear teen sizes (which is the equivelant of a womans size 0-5). Someone even commented on the teen wear being trampy ??? My girlfiends shop for their girls (teenaged) and their attire is quite trendy,,, ranging from comfortable and hip to classy . Of course I’m sure mom’s can buy trampy for their teens if they spoiled young tramps “demand it ” !!! Also ,, I’m sure I’m treading on thin ice here now (with this unruly crowd..)why excuse anyone for “trying to raise the next generation” (I loved that one..) when you’re liberal soft parenting is simply ensuring the fact that these children (young adults) will all be unemployed ,suicidal vagrants . Living ,if they choose to live ,at home for the rest of their lives or existing on govt’ welfare because they’ve never learned to thrive in the “real world” since they’ve only lived in the strawberry-shortcake ones you’ve given them. Oh dear , I’m actually hearing the gasps over my computer !? The point is, once again….LIGHTEN UP! If you wished to cast out or condemn anyone with a different or even negative view on your beliefs than form a “private club”….don’t be so ignorant as to try to lay claim to an online porthole of free speach ,because when last I checked we’re still a free nation . It is infact our differences that create us , not just “one way”… gov’t thats called “communism”. Gosh , I’m smiling here ladies,,,,really. Live free , embrace differences (it really makes things easier..) and most of all
SMILE ……….!

A Fellow CB September 4, 2009, 1:37 PM

I can’t find my copy of cat fancy but my lover and I will be planning a impromptu vacation soon. With no snotty little brats to care for we have expendable cash and time. The nightly copious sex we have in the living room will keep me warm. And offering to dismember someone’s toenails reads in NO way bitter. FYI I am a very warm and likeable person. Just not to rambunctious, poorly behaved brats.


AV September 11, 2009, 5:10 AM

Wow, everyone seems to be quite up in arms over this post. I think CB is trying to refer to the fact that humans are selfish creatures. We care little for our surroundings as soon as things get hectic, and lose sight of the little niceties and polite ways to go about our daily lives.

Lynne September 12, 2009, 12:50 AM

All the moombie getting their granny panties in a bunch are just jealous because they recognize themselves in your post and bitter because they now have to deal with the judgmental snootiness of the other moombies in the “I’m a better parent than you” brigade during after school pick-up.

Michele September 17, 2009, 3:25 PM

Well, I think you are funny as hell, and I have 9 kids!

Kathryn September 21, 2009, 12:07 PM

Ha ha! As Homer Simpson once said, “It’s funny because it’s true!”

Anonymous October 15, 2009, 2:56 PM

This person has issues!!!

Anonymous October 25, 2009, 4:16 PM

I actually found this article hilarious. I have a toddler and expecting. I think the article was meant to be joke.

Natalie October 27, 2009, 4:42 AM

In regards to number 6 — shouldn’t you be wearing adult clothes instead of shopping in the Juniors section? Or would that make you feel too old, like you know, an adult.

Beyond Belief October 27, 2009, 6:51 AM

I love single people and their issues that no one cares about. They hate back to school because they are jealous to have no reason to live. Face it, no one cares about single people. They are annoying, trite, selfish and inept.
I used to be one of them, and now I just laugh at you.

Kat October 27, 2009, 8:17 AM

I loved it! TRUE! TRUE! TRUE!

brooke October 28, 2009, 7:51 AM

someone needs to get a life and realize the world doesn’t serve them. this post is so lame and plain selfish im so glad she doesn’t have kids i would cry if she did

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