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Childless Bitch on Back to School

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Hooray! They're heading back to school! Yay for the moms! Yay for the dads! Three cheers for education! Finally, mommies are saved!

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Childless Bitch: Ugh. You people disgust me. It's time to stop laughing at the Staples commercial of the dad singing to "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (the joke is old) and enter the reality of the CB. What's that? You're sick of your kids lying around the house all summer? Gosh! Who would have thought spending some quality time with your flesh and blood would be so bad? Oh. Um ... me! So, one would think the CB and the Moms of the World would agree (gasp! For once!) that Back to School Time is a Happy Time, right? Wrong!

School's in session, Mamas! While your brats are heading back into isolated confinement, somehow I am the one paying the price. Below are only a few of the ways your bizarre back to school rituals inconvenience my life -- big time:

1. 10 minutes are added to my morning commute because your lousy kid can't climb the school bus stairs quicker. Last time I checked it was called the short bus, not the slow bus.

2. My beloved Target is in shambles thanks to psychotic moms tearing up the aisles trying to figure out the difference between college and wide-ruled. Why is a hunt for No. 2 pencils cause for pandemonium? Do kids even use pencils anymore? Aren't they too busy texting each other in broken English?

3. No more cheap child labor. I'm forced to hire a professional dog walker and lawn care service because your kid had to return to class. Let's be honest -- I've seen that vacant stare in Timmy's eyes. No diploma is saving him from a career in mower riding, so why not forget school and let him get a head start on my crabgrass?

4. Head lice.

5. My local supermarket looks like a third world country because you packed Can't Believe He's Going to College Clark with enough rations and toiletries for his five-year plan. P.S. -- he's selling that food for drugs.

6. All the fall clothes in my size are completely sold out thanks to your teenage princess receiving a new outfit for every day of the week. I can't decide--are you moms consumed with constant guilt or just complete suckers? Probably both. Who do I need to speak to about school uniforms?

7. Last time I checked, back to school wasn't a holiday recognized in the employee handbook. If you're taking a half-day to photograph for your "Through the Years" scrapbook, I'm taking a half-day for my making it "Through the Morning" hangover.  

8. The return of midget panhandlers. Unless the Chocolate Thriller your kid is selling vibrates and comes with double AA batteries, I'm not interested in supporting local education.

9. Dealing with emotionally wrecked moms at work. What is so stressful about getting a child ready for back to school? Hand the kid a ruler and push him out the door. School is all about survival of the fittest.  If he can't figure out how to dress himself, find food and make friends on his own, there's nothing you can do anyway. Except maybe buy him a lawnmower.  

10.  Speaking of work, thanks to Margie's 10 a.m. orthodontist appointment and Sally's 4 p.m. piano lesson, I'm stuck picking up your slack at work. Don't these kids have a father?  Or at least a child support check to pay for transportation?

I just can't win. You can lock the kids up in school for six hours, yet moms roam free picking up their annoying slack. Is there no justice in this kid-infested world?

To higher learning!
-CB


next: A Mommy Mid-Life Crisis
42 comments so far | Post a comment now
Tellsitlikeitis July 22, 2010, 10:56 AM

Hey grumpy parents!

1. Bend over
2. Reach behind
3. Grab stick
4. Pull
5. There, much better isn’t it?

Teacher October 15, 2010, 3:44 PM

I am a teacher. This article is WONDERFUL.
She is not talking about the children, she is focusing on the mothers.
Sounds like 90% of the comments are what we teachers call ‘helicopter moms.’ So true.

Love the kids, as long as mom isn’t around to make up excuses for them, baby them or sit and watch as they throw things in my classroom, but don’t do anything about it.


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