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PiscesFeminists Love Their Babies, Too
A controversial essay offends one mom.
Momlogic's Julie: Over at Double X, Katie Roiphe wrote a piece called "My Newborn Is Like a Narcotic" and asked the question: Why won't feminists admit the pleasure of infants?
In it, she writes, "One of the minor dishonesties of the feminist movement has been to underestimate the passion of this time, to try for a rational, politically expedient assessment. Historically, feminists have emphasized the difficulty, the drudgery of new motherhood. They have tried to analogize childcare to the work of men; and so for a long time, women have called motherhood a 'vocation.' The act of caring for a baby is demanding, and arduous, of course, but it is wilder and more narcotic than any kind of work I have ever done."
This story offends me on many levels. First of all, the author has been a mother for all of six weeks, and suddenly she's an expert on the subject of motherhood and feminism? This motherhood stuff -- that's "wilder and more narcotic than any kind of work I have ever done" -- is brand new to her.
I have been a mother for close to 9 years. I love my children, but being a mom is hard work and not something I would call a "narcotic." I am a feminist. I am the breadwinner in my family. I kept my maiden name when I got married. And I LOVE my kids. But admitting that parenthood and motherhood is not all roses and butterflies does not mean I refuse to "admit" the pleasures of having children. It just means I'm being honest.
Let's hear from Katie when her kid is 2, 3, 6, 9, 13 ... I'm sure she'll be singing a very different tune.
Plus, I bet Katie's baby is one of those who never cries, and sleeps 20 hours a day. Give her a colicky baby (like my son was -- he cried 24/7 for three months) and then see how "addicted" and "intoxicated" she is. Her experience is not every mother's experience.
Katie also talks about losing her ambition and drive -- not even wanting to sign books at a book signing because she wants to run home to her baby. Well, how nice you have that luxury. Most of us had to go back to work when our babies were six weeks old (the age Katie's baby is now). Maybe we all didn't want to, but we HAD TO in order to feed our kids. It doesn't mean we love our kids any less, or that we're not feminists. We didn't have the luxury of being able to "run home" when we missed our children. We had to work 40 hours (or more) to provide for them.
Despite how hard motherhood is (or because of it?), I love being a mom and I love my children. AND I'm a feminist. Deal with it.
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I think both Katie and Julie are only capable of seeing their own side of things. First, I don’t think it is fair to say all feminist don’t take or admit pleasure in their infants. I am a feminist and I took GREAT pleasure in my boys when they were infants, and have found GREAT joy in them at all stages of their growth. My current narcotic of choice is cheering for them (now 11 and 13) when they compete athletically. Nothing, including my job, energizes me more.
Second, why find “offense” in a new mothers joy. Nothing about stating your opinion in a written piece makes either you or her an “expert.”
I don’t get how one mother should be offended and bitter bout other mother’s happiness over her baby. Every mother goes through different experience. So what if some of us go through some hardships in raising our children, it doesn’t mean we should be offended over other mothers who could have the luxuries in caring for her kids and getting intoxicated by them. Having kids has its ups and downs, but that’s one thing I would never considered giving up. My kids are my narcotic, indeed.
I don’t get how one mother should be offended and bitter bout other mother’s happiness over her baby. Every mother goes through different experience. So what if some of us go through some hardships in raising our children, it doesn’t mean we should be offended over other mothers who could have the luxuries in caring for her kids and getting intoxicated by them. Having kids has its ups and downs, but that’s one thing I would never considered giving up. My kids are my narcotic, indeed.
Sometimes I feel the same way when people are complaining about their teenagers. I have 13 and a 17 year old daughters…I love being with them. I think they are great and I feel very defensive when ever anyone rolls their eyes when I dont complain about them.
How about ust enjoying them and realizing that not everyone needs to complain so much.
You are a Mom. Many women want to be and can’t. Be happy before you make your children as neurotic and unhappy as you are.
She sounds defensive.
I’d consider myself one of the most feminist-minded people I know. I minored in Women’s Studies, I directed and produce Vagina Monologues in college, etc etc. With that said, I would consider the experience of being with my daughter completely intoxicating. Yes, sometimes it is difficult and maddening, but she really is a delightfully addictive way to spend my days.
(And she likes NCIS, so we already have so much in common!)
The real problem with Katie Roiphe’s essay was that she was factually inaccurate and did not even try to cite any evidence to back up her claims. She was just trying to write something provocative. It’s the old strawman thing — she asked why can’t “feminists” admit the pleasure of infants? What feminists is she talking about? The feminist literature is full of discussion of the pleasures of motherhood. Moreover, feminist political action is all about accommodation of motherhood, not denial of it. Katie Roiphe knows this. It is her intellectual dishonesty that disappoints me.
Katie Roiphe has never been the most factually accurate of writers. Much of her appeal to editors, I suspect, is that she is such a little bomb-thrower and savvy self-promoter. Any intellectual honesty she possessed disappeared long, long ago.
Thank you! I’m tired of other people — particularly other mothers — making me feel guilty because I didn’t LOVE caring for an infant. Like you, I had a colicky baby, who I loved more than anything — but caring for a screaming baby 24/7 by myself for four months was pure torture. I’m glad Ms. Roiphe finds new motherhood “intoxicating,” but her judgment of other women who have not had the same experience is insulting and demeaning. I spent the first four months of my son’s life feeling like a terrible mother because I was so miserable, and it wasn’t until I heard from other mothers in the same position that I began to feel better about myself. Roiphe needs to put herself in other womens’ shoes before she judges them.
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Yet another annoying essay from Katie Roiphe. It joins a long list.