The Office Kid: when you want the excuse to leave work early, but don't want to birth anything or change its diaper.
Childless Bitch: Office cubes are the dorms of early- to mid-adulthood. We decorate our tiny space in corporate land with little tokens that reflect our personalities. Every office has its film geeks, with their black-and-white postcards of Godard movies lavishly displayed throughout their cube; its bros, with their NFL coffee mug beside their motivational poster of an eagle soaring with the word SUCCESS printed under its beak; its office clown, with a picture of the Gosselins and his/her head superimposed over Kate's face; and of course, there's the mommy cube. I'm gonna go out on a limb and make a grand, sweeping generalization that every mommy cube in America is decorated exactly the same. Picture of kid in a frame (50% of the time, the frame was made by said kid and has macaroni on it) -- check! Piece of paper with some scribbled lines and a name (probably Kaylee! or Mackenzie!) drunkenly written on the side -- check! Valid excuse to leave work early without anyone questioning your motivation simply because your cube is decorated with this kid junk -- indignantly, check!
Are we bitter that we get left behind to finish up your work while you get to leave early to pick Sophia up from Mandarin folk guitar lessons? Yes, we are. And for all the childless bitches of the office world who are sick of your excuses to miss work on a regular basis, there's The Office Kid. The starter kit comes with a picture of some kid, a stupid drawing -- er, work of art -- and a welcome letter with easy instructions and starter excuses. And for an additional fee, you can pay to have your own face photoshopped into a sports team picture. "Way to go, Jordy, everyone's a winner -- especially you, who strikes out every damn time!"
I know, I know -- you think taking Jayden to the dentist is way more important and doesn't even compare to me leaving work early so I can get to a "Project Runway" viewing party.
I can't wait to hear all about it in the comments. Let 'er rip, mommies!