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Get Yourself an Office Kid!

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The Office Kid: when you want the excuse to leave work early, but don't want to birth anything or change its diaper.

the office kid kit

Childless Bitch: Office cubes are the dorms of early- to mid-adulthood. We decorate our tiny space in corporate land with little tokens that reflect our personalities. Every office has its film geeks, with their black-and-white postcards of Godard movies lavishly displayed throughout their cube; its bros, with their NFL coffee mug beside their motivational poster of an eagle soaring with the word SUCCESS printed under its beak; its office clown, with a picture of the Gosselins and his/her head superimposed over Kate's face; and of course, there's the mommy cube. I'm gonna go out on a limb and make a grand, sweeping generalization that every mommy cube in America is decorated exactly the same. Picture of kid in a frame (50% of the time, the frame was made by said kid and has macaroni on it) -- check! Piece of paper with some scribbled lines and a name (probably Kaylee! or Mackenzie!) drunkenly written on the side -- check! Valid excuse to leave work early without anyone questioning your motivation simply because your cube is decorated with this kid junk -- indignantly, check!

Are we bitter that we get left behind to finish up your work while you get to leave early to pick Sophia up from Mandarin folk guitar lessons? Yes, we are. And for all the childless bitches of the office world who are sick of your excuses to miss work on a regular basis, there's The Office Kid. The starter kit comes with a picture of some kid, a stupid drawing -- er, work of art -- and a welcome letter with easy instructions and starter excuses. And for an additional fee, you can pay to have your own face photoshopped into a sports team picture. "Way to go, Jordy, everyone's a winner -- especially you, who strikes out every damn time!"

I know, I know -- you think taking Jayden to the dentist is way more important and doesn't even compare to me leaving work early so I can get to a "Project Runway" viewing party.

I can't wait to hear all about it in the comments. Let 'er rip, mommies!


next: My Mom Bone Is Broken
22 comments so far | Post a comment now
ashley August 31, 2009, 8:25 AM

I think the CB is funny. Since I had my first when I was 20 I will never know, but I wonder if I would’ve been that bitchy. I’m not saying I don’t love my darlings with every fiber of my being, I just wonder.

anonymous August 31, 2009, 9:02 AM

I think this is amusing. I remember seeing “boyfriend in a box” years ago, with various sized professional photos and a bio so that you had a story and “proof” for all those nosey people wondering when you’ll meet someone nice. Now they have it to get people to stop asking you why you don’t have kids.

Though I am a mom myself.

Anonymous August 31, 2009, 9:11 AM

Feel free to take my children to the dentist, doctor, orthodontist, gymnastics, jiujitsu, teacher’s conference, etc. Anytime you want. I’ll give you my number and a autographed photo of the kids. I just “LOVE” sitting in those dang waiting rooms with 700 snot noses tapping me on the shoulder wanting to know if I want to share their gum.

Camille August 31, 2009, 1:52 PM

I love reading these posts! I remember feeling the same way when I was childless and my supervisor always left on time and I got stuck at work until 9-9:30 to finish a project. HA! I’m so grateful that I work at a kid friendly place and no one has to pick up my slack if I have to leave early.

mollysmom August 31, 2009, 4:55 PM

HA! this made me laugh out loud :) i remember when i was single and childless and i would get so freakin mad at work when people left all the time for child related issues and i was still at work. but then again i guess that’s why i was made supervisor:)

Mom and Boss August 31, 2009, 6:55 PM

I love these rants. I’m a mom, and I’m the boss. So instead of being bitter about staying behind while parents leave to take care of their kids, maybe you should focus on being a better employee. As any good manager knows, it’s not about the long hours; it’s about the results. I don’t care how late you stay around. Do your job, and do it well. That’s all that matters.

quityourwhiningandstartworking August 31, 2009, 6:55 PM

Hey, if you would get off the phone and stop the bullshit, you would probably get your work done in 8 hours instead of trying to look good for the boss. Putting in 60 hours of nothingness!!! If don’t know how to priortize your time or your teams time….well then. Enough said????

amommy August 31, 2009, 7:05 PM

I’m a mom and I get tired of parents using the sick kid excuse to get out of work. When I worked for companies, I utilized vacation days to do all those little things you must do when you have kids.

Anonymous August 31, 2009, 11:12 PM

What about the smokers?? They get an unlimited number of breaks during the day and are completely unquestioned. Hmm..maybe I’ll start taking a break every hour to - I don’t know - pick my nose? read the tabloids? do some crack?

Childlessandlovingit November 4, 2009, 11:22 AM

To the Anonymous mom who offered for me to bring her kids to appointments: Those kids were a CHOICE that YOU made quit complaining about it!!

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