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How to Get Service at Home Depot

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My husband often sends me to Home Depot during the week because I am so brutally unemployed. But because he sends me for "the thing that fits over the drain pipe; not plastic, kind of shaped like a triangle?" I dress well.

woman being helped by home depot sales man

Lori Curley: The guys who work there and the guys who shop there are very helpful, but they like a certain style. Follow these rules and you too will come home with the right bit:

1. Do not look as if you need a shower. Do not run in from the garden with dirt on your knees, your hair all knotty, and sweaty. Your husband may find that look sexy, but the Home Depot regulars prefer a well-coiffed, freshly scented woman. If you doubt me, stop by after a visit to your favorite salon and watch how they fight to cut your 2 x 4. 

2. If you have some tight-fitting jeans and you look good in them, go for it. Do not wear the ones with holes that your teenage daughter thinks are cool. I wore mine once and had to carry six 20-pound bags of mulch to my car when my cart tipped over. No one helped me because they figured a tough lady like me could handle it. Also, don't chew tobacco or spit.

3. Pocketbooks do not seem to impress these guys, so don't worry about its size or how it clashes with your shoes.

4. Shoes. Wear them instead of sneakers. Your general objective is to look like you would rather be at a cocktail party or drifting around your pool on that sofa float. Sandals and flip-flops are okay, but do not expose your toenails if they are nasty.

5. As for cleavage, my husband thinks it is very important, but I wouldn't listen to him because he is just a CPA who can't find the paint section.

6. Do not wear your welding helmet.

7. Leave your heavy-duty coveralls and McGuire-Nicholas suspension rig tool belt in the truck. These products send the wrong message. You want help, not respect.

8. Do not prance around on your adjustable drywall stilts either.

See you in the aisles!

next: Have You Ever Been 'Dickmatized'?
7 comments so far | Post a comment now
mollysmom August 12, 2009, 11:44 AM

i HATE home depot!! clearly i have not been following these rules as i get crappy service every time i go:) maybe i’ll start saving gas and time from going to lowe’s once i put the rules into action. actually i have to go today to get a brick picture hanger, i’ll let you know how it turns out:)

Renee August 12, 2009, 2:21 PM

I find this article strange. I know it’s meant to be funny, but it really isn’t. And even if you smell you should get good customer service.

Lacey August 12, 2009, 4:47 PM

This artical erks me.

KellyK August 12, 2009, 4:56 PM

This article is clearly written by a crazy person…as evidenced in her photo above.

Get a new photo! Or at least one in focus.

me August 12, 2009, 5:49 PM

kellyk you made me laugh out loud!! it’s so true though.

Kaila August 12, 2009, 7:54 PM

Actually, I work at home depot and it is true that if you look good the guys will want to help you more. Like if I need to call over the radio for loading assistance, I get more of a response if i ask for someone to help “a lady” or “young ladies” than if I just ask for help to load “a customer”. I know it shouldn’t work like that and its not supposed to but thats just how it works out. Also we always seem to be short staffed so that could be why you couldn’t get help fast enough.

mercaties August 13, 2009, 12:28 AM

I have worked for Home Depot for twelve years and I think this article is hillarious. But I think that better looking people are going to get better service anywhere, not just Home Depot. That’s just the way our judgemental society is unfortunately.

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