Please stop gloating about your baby's ultrasound and your nursery colors. I. don't. care!

Momlogic's Talitha: First off, I am thrilled that I am about to have my first baby, so please don't automatically think I am just complaining because I am not. However, I truly hope I haven't been as annoying as some of the pregnant people around me -- because they are. Annoying. Capital A.

My husband and I are taking this childbirth class, which supplies us with all the ifs and buts about labor and delivery, what to expect at the hospital and the exciting yet stressful time when we will bring the baby home. Even though it is informative, let me tell ya it's challenging after a long day at work, to sit in a classroom full of pregnant couples. We are not the couple smiling at one another in glorious bliss, we are the ones that can barely keep our eyes open. We are not the couple that shows up 15 minutes early to chat with the other pregnant couples, we are the ones that come on time and expect to leave on time. We are not a couple that is thrilled to watch videos of other people giving birth, we are the couple laughing nervously. We are not annoying, but you are, and here's why:

1. The class starts at 6:30 and is supposed to end at 8:30. Not at 9 and definitely not at 9:45. Every week for the past six weeks, I have gotten home way past my bedtime and at 39 weeks pregnant, I have had enough! If you want to talk to the teacher about the sound machine you bought for your nursery, do it after class time. I need to go home and rest! 

2. Unless I ask, you don't need to pass around 4-D ultrasound pictures. They look weird enough, and I honestly don't think your kid looks cute, sorry. The fact that you saw your baby "waving at you" is a figment of your hyperactive pregnant imagination -- the kid is just flailing his arms and moving around in a house that's getting very cramped. He's not waving, k?

3. Unless you're ready to hear the truth about how I am really feeling, don't even ask me. Once you get to 39 weeks, you'll probably feel the same -- like shit. Hearing, week after week, "OMG you got so huuuuuuge!" isn't making things better for any of us. What I really should say to you is "yes, I'm huge but I'm thinner at 9 months pregnant than you are at your skinniest. Biotch."

4. You did NOT buy a pink notebook and paste the picture of your unborn child on the cover!? What are you in sixth grade?

5. Do you and your husband need to hold hands or touch each other the entire three hours of class each night? Isn't that what got you into this situation in the first place? Please, don't remind us.

6. Every time you have to go to the bathroom you do not have to announce it. I'm pregnant too, I know how it is. Just go and stop interrupting class time. Like, "OMG I have to go ... again!!!" Seriously, TMI -- too much info.

7. Did you need to bring the birth ball to class? We're all uncomfortable in these grade school chairs, but seeing you bounce up and down for 3 (it's supposed to be TWO) hours is unbearable. Your boobs look obnoxious.

8. I don't want to be your friend. Sorrrry. Please don't send a Facebook request because I know what it means -- more ultrasound pictures followed by pictures of your birth followed by pictures of your baby. No thanks.

9. Last week you made a comment about my Diet Coke, this week it's the Fresca. Yes, I know it has caffeine and fake sugar, mom ... I did not have time to prepare herbal tea in a 100% recycled travel mug like you did. I have a job.

Don't think you're annoying? Talk to me three months from now, when you're about ready to pop. I'll bet you those chocolate chip cookies you made for the entire class (kiss ass), you'll be as annoyed at the newly pregnant couples as I am at you. 

Happy Delivery!