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Just a Guy Farting

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Bruce Sallan: OK, let's admit it. We guys tend to let loose with the occasional bodily "expression," and in the case of me and my boys, we really do enjoy a hearty burp or fart. In fact, we have a family tradition of saying "Ralph" when we burp. Try it sometime; you'll crack up.

This is another significant difference between men and women. Not only do we enjoy it; we validate each other for a "good one." While my wife was gone, caring for her mother recently, it allowed my boys and I to revert to our Neanderthal behaviors. You know, the stuff that comes "naturally."

We enjoyed and complimented each other on our flatulations. When we did a particularly resonant "Ralph," we gave each other a big "attaboy." What men/boys do among themselves is something that has been lost today.

The "Ralph" thing came from a group of my high school friends who used to go to a local burger joint. One of us, Marty Polacki, would drink a Coke via a straw, in record time (under 6 seconds). We'd wait patiently for the result. Finally, with great drama, he'd let loose with a magnificent "Ralph," and I've been mimicking it ever since, passing it on to the next generation of boys -- mine.

Men used to also get good things in their gender-based groups. They used to receive lessons about survival in tribes of old, but I feel other lessons about how to be a man, the proper way to treat women, honor, (yes HONOR) and other masculine ideals have lost their value and presence in today's world. While farting may not be missed by much of society, the rest is sorely lacking and hurts us all. But, what do I know? I'm just a guy (who farts occasionally).

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40 comments so far | Post a comment now
David August 23, 2009, 3:07 PM

Wanted to add two things:

1. Talking babies (like in the e-Trade commercials), chimps in human clothing doing human things: always funny; saying “Ralph” while you belch: not so much, especially if someone’s name in the audience for your output is Ralph.

2. Just so you don’t think I’m a humorless Puritan: after all these years, I still enjoy peeing a word in the snow … although I get worried when I see another guy show me where he did as much, and his word is in my girlfriend’s handwriting … !

ame i. August 23, 2009, 7:01 PM

My late-husband came from a large, gasious family. I don’t know what the heck was the problem with their digestive tracts. I can’t count the number times we would be sitting at the dinner table and I would have to spit a mouthful of food into a napkin so I wouldn’t vomit.

ari4sc August 25, 2009, 12:40 PM

Very funny and so true. This coming from a family with 3 boys, a husband (just a large boy), and one poor mom.

Linda Sherman August 26, 2009, 5:34 PM

Thanks Bruce. I think your point is that although as women, mothers may not appreciate fart humor nor farting itself, they have to realize that children find it funny.

Here is a great place for the man in the children’s lives to provide that gender specific support.

If there currently isn’t a man close to the family then Moms should certainly make an extra effort to be kind and understanding about fart humor.

Bruce Sallan September 10, 2009, 7:21 AM

So, I have a hilarious follow-up to this blog. You must watch the video first, of the couple in bed that is attached above. This morning, I woke myself up with a loud one. My wife immediately said, “You’re gross,” as she’s a light sleeper and it was near time to get up anyway. I apologized and said “I couldn’t help it; it happened while I was asleep.” At that point, another “little one” slipped out and we heard our three dogs stir. This time she said, “even the dogs can’t stand it!” - another derogatory comment. Now, we just read the book, “The Five Languages of Love” and found it very helpful in learning our own desired ways of our partner displaying their love and, as expected, they were different from each other. Mine was “Word of Affirmation” which doesn’t come easy to my wife and she’s been working on it. Her was “time spent together” and the time I’ve been spending on the computer has been her (legitimate) complaint. So, after her third comment, “You’re obnoxious,” I jokingly replied, “Boy that wasn’t the sort of words of affirmation I was hoping for.” This started us laughing so hard, it hurt, and unfortunately also started a string of small machine gun farts out of me. Naturally, she again said “You’re disgusting” but, by then, we were laughing so hard. Ironically, it was the best laugh we’ve had in a very long time. It was the kind where it almost hurts and you tear up. All brought on my an unexpected morning “oops.” Ahh, the surprises of love…

Loren September 10, 2009, 4:55 PM

I’ll have to admit that this morning was a gut blaster. I think we actually woke up the kids. Sometimes words of affirmation just don’t suit the situation. This morning was just one of those times when the derogatory jokes seemed more appropriate and you have to admit the visuals I painted for you were pretty funny. But I guess in the end that’s one of the reasons I married you-you make me laugh!! xoxo

PostalDad September 10, 2009, 9:43 PM

BAHAHAHA! “…a string of small machine gun farts…” At the firing range, we call that squeezing off a few rounds. Great article, Bruce. Thanks for the laughter! Loren - just make sure you get him back for all that. Next time he’s not paying attention to you because he’s working so hard, go over to him with that look in your eyes, sit down in his lap, look lovingly again into his eyes, and then let one rip. Then get up and leave, stating, “Was that the affirmation you were after?” LOL You know what they say… communication is the key in every great relationship. ; )

Megan October 7, 2009, 3:29 PM

My 4 year old son thinks it’s hilarious when he “toots” on me. If he is across the room and has to “toot” he will hold it, walk across the room up to me and stick out his little butt and “toot” on me. Of course I can’t really play the victim here, I always play up to it with “EWWWW! Did you just toot on me?! EWWW!!!” He gets a kick out of that. I also call him Tooty McTooterson’s and Tooter Butt. HAHA So maybe it’s me that thinks farting is hilarious!

Andie October 7, 2009, 4:55 PM

Love it, love it, love it…I have 3 boys or 4, if you count my husband, and yes they can stink out any car, room, or bathroom. But what is more funny, is the WOMAN!! So many women are so afraid of tooting that they hold it in as long as possible, bad news from the fermentation side of things. Men may be great with the sound effects, but let me tell you…women…wheeew! This is the true secret…women are just as bad if not worse!

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