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The Potty Training Chronicles

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One mom reports from the toilet trenches.

toddler in toilet

Kelly Pryce: When you tell someone you're potty training a toddler, what you are really saying is "my house is covered in human poop and pee." My first child potty trained at four years old, and I was not going to allow that to happen again. He was still in diapers, but could tell me that I needed to up his fiber content. What comes out of a kid after two is terrifying. I am convinced my daughter is only eating yarn and cheesy sausage balls. I am done with diapers. I am now trying to let her know that she, too, should want to move on.

When you broach the subject of potty training with other mothers, everyone has their own theory. The hippy moms let the kids run around nude, crapping all over their free-trade hemp rugs. The business mommies let the nannies deal with it, and then put them in a pull-up at night. Then you have the doters -- my least favorite of all moms. If you want to know what this mother looks like, head to your local park. There will be a group of moms laughing and talking while their kids happily play, and then there will be one mommy actively creating a game and playing on the playground equipment with her kid, not able to leave her darling's side for a millisecond.

The doting mother is a thorn in my side. She creates questions in my kid's head like, "Why aren't the police arresting that mom for pushing her kid on the swing? My mommy told me that was the penalty for that type of offense." The doter has taken potty training to the worst level. She can't bear for her angel to have to wait even for a second to find a potty, so she carries one in her fake Prada purse. That's right -- she has a teeny tiny plastic snap-together potty that you insert a plastic bag into and your indulged brat can drop trough and take a dump in the middle of a park whilst every kid watches. I can't wait to see what type of adults these children turn into. "Oh yes, that is my husband peeing in a beer bottle. I know it's your wedding, but he can't possibly be expected to find a restroom."

As for me, I am going to carry on the grand tradition of potty training the right way -- bribery. I will give you one candy for pee, and two for poo ... if you have the trots and you make it to the potty, I will give you access to my bank account.

As long as I don't have to hear you tell me you "poopied in your diaper and to get some gloves 'cause this one's a doozie," then it's all yours from princess underpants to hiring a SpongeBob impersonator to live at our house for a week.

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3 comments so far | Post a comment now
Coral August 10, 2009, 12:29 PM

You potty trained your oldest at four? Bribery does work- use stickers on an old calender. I wouldn’t use candy.

May August 10, 2009, 3:20 PM

We are currently potty training my daughter, she is 18 months old. Some people tell me she’s too young, others say that Im right on time. I actually went with what felt right, she was already telling me when she was going in her diaper so I figure why not. What I like the most is that now when she needs to go she will grab one of her books and get either me or my husband to take her. I don’t know where she got the book idea from but I think is funny.

Golf September 14, 2010, 10:38 AM

I like this blog, sharp design! is it a template?

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