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Junkies and Pregnant Ladies Have Lots in Common

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"I'm pregnant" is not an excuse to never call me back -- because you're not on drugs. You're just pregnant.

annoyed looking woman

Childless Bitch: I'll admit, the number of my childless bitch comrades in crime took a swift hit this summer. Seems every other day I was getting the phone call, the announcement over dinner, or the murmur of another friend whispering about so-and-so who looks fat and isn't drinking. Is there something in the water, maybe something special mixed in with your Pinkberry? Because suddenly a whole bunch of you are knocked up. Or at least, that's what you've been telling me when you mysteriously miss our date to go on a hike and never call.

For some, your first trimester closely mimics the behavior of a typical junkie. Fatigue. Constant vomiting. Erratic behavior. Unexplained flakiness. And for some of you, pregnancy seems to be a valid excuse for everything you've ever wanted to get out of or not take responsibility for. I'm not the first one to make this observation -- the pregnancy excuse is the plot device that greenlights poorly made rom coms and sitcoms around the world. And I know you mommies and mommies-to-be are fully aware of this pregnancy excuse phenomenon. If I were pregnant, I would totally use it to get out of going to brunch with that annoying couple who wants to show you their new baby, because after all, nobody is going to argue with you being pregnant. Except me, maybe.

It's not that I don't have more sympathy for you pregnant ladies than I would for a junkie. I get it, your body is freaking the hell out -- stuff hurts -- things are growing into totally out-of-control proportions. I just don't think "I'm pregnant" qualifies as a decent excuse to never call me back -- because you're not on drugs. You're just pregnant.

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13 comments so far | Post a comment now
PlumbLucky September 16, 2009, 11:12 AM

I sincerely hope that IF CB ever gets pregnant, she is on the receiving end of everything she makes light of…morning sickness, debilitating fatigue, etc….

Anonymous September 16, 2009, 11:17 AM

They probably don’t call you back because you’re such a whiny bit@h.

N September 16, 2009, 2:31 PM

she is right though when its really bad you feel like a junkie having withdraws. you shaky, throwing up you feel hot suddenly

Christina September 16, 2009, 4:16 PM

I doubt they called you back BEFORE they were pregnant.

Anonymous September 16, 2009, 10:45 PM

I hope you never get knocked up you are truly a HB

Denali September 19, 2009, 12:36 PM

As far as using pregnancy as an excuse, my first trimester (and second and third) usually sucked, but I always managed to return phone calls, even if it was just to say, “Hey, I’m too busy barfing at the thought of more Sprite and crackers—can I call you back after I’ve finished throwing up my appendix?”

And C.B., I think you’re great. Some of the comments I’ve read under your blog posts just amaze me. I’ve never understood moms that simply refused to believe there were women who were happier without kids. And not only do they not understand it, they’re hostile about it. So many people have accused you of being jealous of women that have kids, but I think they’re jealous of the fact you are childless and free to do as you please. Mommies, some chicks aren’t cut out to be mommies. It’s better she realizes that now than after she’s had a child.

Anon November 4, 2009, 8:51 PM

Google Garfunkel and Oats’s song “Pregnant Women are Smug”. I lol’d.

David November 12, 2009, 9:02 PM

Sing it! It’s 100% true. People get knocked up, and it’s like they vanish. Had a very good friend who got pregnent, didn’t see her for 2 years.

Danielle November 25, 2010, 1:44 PM

I know for me (I’m 21 weeks) most of my friends still want to party all the time and go out. An evening out has to contain some sort of alcoholic beverage which usually ends up amounting to everyone drunk but myself obviously. I’m not going to be around that, I have much better things to do.

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