Honey, Our Babies Are Drunk

Honey, Our Babies Are Drunk

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

filed under: family

This weekend, we attended a Labor Day party at a neighbor's house. Before we left home, my husband and I reviewed the list of rules with our kids. Due to an unfortunate oversight, we forgot to include "Do Not Consume Alcoholic Beverages" on the list of no-nos.

kids drinking from plastic cup at barbeque

Meanest Mom Jana Mathews: As the only adult party guests who were not either wearing T-shirts that said "One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!" or acting out the behavior described on them, my husband and I were relegated to the kitchen, where we were immediately converted into wait staff. Tim was put in charge of grilling an assortment of Italian meats that he could neither name nor identify, while I was asked to carry a number of peculiar salads to the serving table. I decided to arrange the salads alphabetically, just for fun. Just as I was aligning the serving spoon for what appeared to be a beet salad, with the tongs wedged amongst a mound of overcooked broccoli, I caught a glimpse of my three preschoolers filling up their cups at the beverage table. That they were getting their tenth drink in 10 minutes wasn't the problem; what they were drinking, however, was.

"Ah!" I screeched, batting the red plastic cup out of my 5-year-old daughter's hand. "Don't drink that!" It was too late. Cortlen and Kellen's cups were nearly empty as well.

"How much of this did you drink?" I asked them, pointing at the boxed wine. The estimates I received varied from the volume of a shot glass to the volume of a swimming pool.

"The kids are drunk," I announced to my husband. After we congratulated ourselves on being such good parents, my husband and I decided that the only appropriate thing to do was ask our neighbors where they got their inspirational T-shirts, and if they came in children's sizes as well.

Jana Mathews is the mother of "four under five" and the author of The Meanest Mom blog.

filed under: family

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This is almost funny but it’s kinda spooky also. Any party I’ve been to kept the adult beverages in an area where adults were likely to hang out. I can just see a couple of my teen/tween cousins having access to alcohol, shudder.

- ame i.

Posted 09/08/09 07:01 AM

This is also why it is good to make sure parties are kid friendly. Not all parties are meant for little ones.

- Jen

Posted 09/08/09 08:24 AM

Isn’t this exactly what the “childless bit*c” was ranting about on her blog about leaving kids home for grown-up bbq. I can’t believe that somehow between you and your husband that no one was watching your kids. Not one, not two but three preschool were all drinking alcohol! Call me judgemental but I think you both were acting as bad parents on that day.

- me again

Posted 09/08/09 10:03 AM

Part of me sympathizes, as it sucks when you get relegated to waitstaff. BUT, at the same time, the last time my son’s Grandma attempted the same with me (because she wanted to have the baby all to herself - long history of dingish borderline dangerous behavior on my MIL”s part), I told her that I wasn’t having any part of it either.

- PlumbLucky

Posted 09/08/09 11:11 AM

That sucks. I’m thinking maybe it wasn’t a party for kids as well, Jen. I’m wondering if other children were there? I wouldn’t want to be at a party where my kids got hammered and I did all the work, nor would i be.

- rugbymom

Posted 09/08/09 04:56 PM

LMAO This is a horrible yet hilarious story. One of the parent’s worst nightmares. At least you stopped them before they had alcohol poisoning.

- Rae

Posted 09/08/09 07:23 PM

This is not funny at all..While accidents do happen..this could have been a fatal one for the kids. NOTE TO PARENTS: Next time get a sitter or don’t go. You should feel blessed…God looked after your kids today because obviously you were not!!

- Anonymous

Posted 09/08/09 07:55 PM

you should be arrested for child endangerment. as stupid as you are, you haven’t even realized that you posted this to a public forum & anyone, including me, can send this to your local PD & CPS office. where I live, and if you are hispanic, you would be arrested & thrown in jail. It would be all over the news. You think this is funny?? It doesn’t kids to consume much alcohol before they get alcohol poisoning. ‘Meanest Mom’…you just deserved the moniker “Stupidest Mom”. I hope your publisher drops you like a hot potato.

- JudiBug

Posted 09/08/09 08:07 PM

I agree with most of the people, only they should not be so judge mental. I know that you didnt mean to have that happen. I am sorry that it did happen tho because i would hate for it to happen to my little one. I really dont know what to say to the parents though, try harder next time.

- Anonymous

Posted 09/08/09 08:14 PM

Just please tell me those poor kids really aren’t named “Cortlen” and “Kellen” - that would be the real crime, not the alcohol.

- J.

Posted 09/09/09 10:58 AM

Wow.. Good job. Also, no this is not humors at all. Their small size could have made alcohol poising a huge problem. But thank god you got the salad in alphabetical order instead of watching your kids.

- Nope

Posted 09/09/09 07:39 PM

Since it’s the Meanest Mom- it’s funny. (You know what I’m talking about) and if it would of been someone else… she would of been really butchered on here.

- Coral

Posted 09/10/09 01:16 PM

I think it’s damn funny. Get over yourselves.

- Anonymous

Posted 09/13/09 06:42 AM

I just “stumbled” across this and I have to say something to the “perfect” people out there… Get over yourselves. Those who are posting replies that insinuate they are perfect- either do not have children, or their children have not yet become the screw-ups they are destined to be. No parent is perfect. Also, not to mention- alcohol consumption in many cultures is completely acceptable and normal in many cultures. Think about the first few times you (as an adult….) drank alcohol- I doubt you got yourself so fubar’d that you needed medical attention. Kids are better at quitting when ahead than adults. They know when to stop eating, stop drinking, sleep more, etc… It is adults that messes that ingrained trait. They probably drank no more than an ounce or two. I bet some of you ate leaded paint chips (which may explain some things) and are still here today….

- K

Posted 09/21/09 09:16 PM

“Tim was put in charge of grilling an assortment of Italian meats that he could neither name nor identify,” I see you love Italians. I hope your children are more open minded then yourself. Maybe if you let your hair down a little and allow yourself to have some fun you wouldn’t be so insensitive to others.

- Debbie

Posted 10/09/09 09:20 PM

My little one got drunk at a wedding once. I had put him at a table with cake and told him to only drink the “white slushy” (frozen non-alcoholic margaritas). Unfortunately, the people who agreed to watch him while I did bridesmaid stuff, didn’t watch him and he drank at least 3 cups of the “red slushy” (the one with the alcohol). He was a very happy drunk and I felt like the worst mom ever…

- Ronna

Posted 10/30/09 09:07 PM