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PiscesMommy the Spy
I was a big advocate of privacy ... until I had children.
Momlogic's Amanda: Like most children, when my kids were younger, they used to hide things in their rooms that they weren't supposed to have.
Up until age 9 and 10, the "contraband" was largely composed of candy bar wrappers and coins taken from my wallet. Now at ages 11 and 12, my kids are fast approaching the age when it becomes increasingly common for tweens to hide other not-so-innocuous stuff in their dresser drawers and closets.
I want to respect my budding tweens' desire for privacy, but I certainly don't think that they are entitled to it. It may be their bedroom, but it's my house! If I want to go through their stuff -- for whatever reason -- I feel that I have the right to do so. Several of my friends, however, completely disagree.
So I ask you, O wise parents of tweens and teenagers: what is your stance on privacy when it comes to your kids' bedrooms? If you suspect that your kids are up to no good (or even if you don't), do you or would you go through their things, or would you stay out? Why?
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And if you find something you’re looking for, then what? Do you confront your child? They’ll just find a better hiding spot - possibly one totally out of your jurisdiction. Do you ignore it? Then what is the point? Do you talk about it and try to get to the bottom of things? You’ve already destroyed their trust and your credibility, where can you start?
It’s not a good policy. From your child’s perspective, they are being judged as guilty until proven innocent. I clearly remember thinking that if I wasn’t going to be trusted, regardless, then why be trustworthy? I got so sick of my privacy being violated as a teen, that I finally started doing all of the stuff they kept looking through my things to find. However, they never found out, because I never kept anything incriminating in my room. To this day, I have very little trust in other people, and pretty much none in authority figures. Which is ironic, since I was always such a little pleaser as a kid.
My parents ALWAYS respected my privacy. If you don’t respect your tween, why would you respect your tween to respect you?
That would be, why would you EXPECT your tween to respect you?
One more note, if you’re worried about your tween hiding things so horrible that you feel you NEED to spy on them, perhaps your real problem is that you didn’t do your job as a parent when your tween was much younger.
Okay so when your kids were caught stealing coins from your purse (I would never even thoguth of going thru my mother’s purse) what did you do?
What was their punishment.
If you ignored it, they you already have a problem. Which will only get worst.
Stealing anything from your parents or anyone, is not okay.
Learn to be a better parent.
I don’t like this line of thinking because it assumes teenagers are inherently bad, and prone to lieing. I legal system works on the premises that you are innocent until proven guilty regardless of age of any other non controllable factor. As a matter of fact you could be a 10 time convicted child abuser and have 15 witnesses against you and the prosecution still must prove you are guilty before convicting you. Seeing that presuming a child is guilty because they are between the ages of 11-19 is more likely to cause distrust and frustration. If you have cause to believe something dangerous is going on search, until then maintain a trusting relationship.
God, if my parents were to search my room, I’d DIE. If my mother found my journal, or God forbid my POEMS, I think I’d go up in flames. Not to mention I’d be pissed off at my parents. There are thing even teens are entitled to, and that’s privacy.
If your kids start acting weird and depressed, then by all means snoop around before they hurt themselves or others, but if they are acting NORMALLY, then back off.
Besides, what’s SO bad in an eleven or twelve year old’s room that you have to invade someone’s privacy?
My mother has always talked to me about things. And thats why I’ve never hidden anything from her. I don’t need to hide things from her, and she doesn’t need to go threw my stuff, because I know if I have a problem I can go to her, and she always assured me that there was nothing wrong with open lines of communication. Also she made sure I knew I was my own person, and she was her own person, and we were both entitled to our own mistakes. When I do make mistakes she’s right there to help me, and because she tells me about hers I know she’s not perfect and that I don’t have to be ashamed of telling her anything.
anyone who doesnt respect their childs privacy is a terrible parent shame on all you rember when you were kids and your parents went through your stuff and how you felt
Here’s what my mom did: she gave me all the privacy in the world (except for monitorying what was on my computer screen). She watched my behavior like a hawk and if it got too bizarre, she found that adequate grounds for searching my stuff. Trust me, you’re child’s behavior and subtle changes will be your biggest clue for suspicious behavior.
I am glad, that i found your site, there are a couple of cool posts
I am not a mom of tweens or teens yet, however, I clearly remember being one. I remember my mom and step father using the same argument you’re using, and I still find it horrible and wrong. From age 11 on, my parents went through my stuff because it was “their house”. I was not doing anything wrong, I was not a bad kid, and I now have severe privacy issues. Unless my children are doing things out of the ordinary, I will never snoop through their stuff. I will TALK to them like any other parent should. If you start with a good relationship, and if you encourage being honest WITHOUT punishment, you will know what’s going on with your kids. There will be no need to snoop. My mother continued to snoop through my stuff until I was 19 years old, and moved out. You may want to rethink your “policy”.