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No Bumps in the Club

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Childless Bitch: While you were enjoying your cul-de-sac barbeque this weekend with 89 of your neighbors' precious children, I was in Las Vegas (yes, be jealous) -- enjoying one hell of a fabulous single girls' weekend. That's right ... the pools, the margaritas, the massages ... it was all to-die-for, except for one BIG bump that really killed the scene.

pregnant woman in club
That's right -- I'm talking to YOU, the pregnant girl who thinks it's okay to still go to nightclubs. Your days of fun are over. Listen, delusional 9-monthers ... your bump belongs nowhere in a club. If the prenatal vitamins are somehow clouding your judgment, let's break this down ...

1) There's not a lot of room in the club already, and due to the circumference of your gut, three hot guys that I could be taking home with me tonight are waiting outside.

2) Pregnant women don't drink, which means they are no fun. You're not fooling anyone ordering a Diet Coke and putting it in a cocktail glass. It actually looks worse because, who knows, you may actually be drinking it with rum -- which means you shouldn't even be reproducing in the first place.

3) Congrats! That sparkly top you threw on to try to "fit in" to the scene is really working -- it looks just like the disco ball. They should hang you off the ceiling.

4) I've heard playing music to your unborn child stimulates brain activity, but what exactly can 50 Cent, Lil Wayne, and T.I. teach your child? 50 Cent wasn't referring to the candy bar at your upcoming shower when he said, "I take you to the candy shop / I'll let you lick the lollipop." It's time to go back to Mozart for Babies.

5) All that jumping around can't be good for your fetus. I'm afraid one more booty shake will let loose your bloody show. And liquids on the dance floor have got to be some sort of club violation.

So, next time you're up on your soapbox bragging about how you haven't let pregnant life "change you," you better hold up. Welcome to your new world, where the closest thing you'll get to a club is Gymboree on a play-and-music day.

Thank goodness for fog machines and bottle service, or you would have totally ruined my night. -- CB

next: Five Iowa Teens Strip-Searched at School
29 comments so far | Post a comment now
chris September 10, 2009, 3:52 AM

UMMM, sorry but being pregant doesn’t mean that you just sit home for 9 months waiting for the baby to pop out. Maybe by not letting one of the three hots guys in, she actually saved you from some STD.

PlumbLucky September 10, 2009, 5:25 AM

LMAO at “save you from some STD”. For someone who spends so much time sniping at mothers and mothers to be for being selfish and “all about me/look at me”, CB seems to be all about herself!

I was at the club when I was 7 months. Why? My best friend’s bachelorette party. I was the driver too, only made sense, since I wasn’t drinking. And actually, with regard to her number 5 - if all that jumping around can’t be good for the fetus, why do OB’s tell you to freaking exercise?

mommybear24k September 10, 2009, 6:12 AM

This is too funny. I also was at a club at 6 onths as DD. You couldn’t even tell I was pregnant.

K8 September 10, 2009, 7:01 AM

I agree with all of you, being pregnant myself, I am not going to sit at home for 9 months bored outta my mind. Not to say you will find me at the club “booty shaking” to 50 cent, but if the need so hits me it is no ones business but my own. And I am pretty sure that in this day and age the ranting of 50 cent and lil wayne are the least of my worries for my unborn child.

Pregnant or not we are still women who want to feel pretty and have fun, having children does not mean having no life!

Cat September 10, 2009, 8:28 AM

Sorry CB I do not argee with you at all. Pregnant women do need their fun. Don’t expect us to sit at home just knitting away.
I myself was still going to concerts till the end of my third trimester and I had a great time. Other concert goers where thrill to see a pregnant woman enjoying the music and scene.
Plus, I do not need alcohol to have a fun night out. Apparently you seem to because without it, you are a dull and boring person.
If you hate seeing pregnant women in clubs, why don’t you just leave and hop to another club where you can be the center of attention.

Coral September 10, 2009, 9:05 AM

Ha! The pregnant chick needs to find her unborn baby a new baby daddy! Hold your tummy and drop it like it’s HOT!

Sarah H. September 10, 2009, 10:59 AM

Ugh why is this site still publishing this woman’s articles?

Anonymous September 10, 2009, 12:34 PM

This is pathetic…nobody cares what you have to say and this just makes you look desperate

Pamala September 10, 2009, 1:25 PM

Well I’m not a fan of clubs at all and I agree, clubs are not a place for pregnant women nor mothers. Sorry you have kids, grow up and stop going to the clubs. There are many places like restaurants, coffee shops, etc.. where a woman can get out instead of going to a club.

Cindy September 10, 2009, 1:26 PM

Obnoxious article. When I had two weeks left in my first pregnancy, my husband and I went to our favorite club. We saw a great concert by Flesh For Lulu. The manager got me a stool so I could sit by the bar. (They used to take the stools out for big concerts.) I didn’t drink, I didn’t get in anyone’s way, I didn’t dance either, but I would have if I wanted to. And I certainly didn’t stay home for 9 months to make sure jealous b*****s like you didn’t get bothered by seeing a pregnant woman enjoying herself.

Brigette September 10, 2009, 1:34 PM

This was serious???

Sweet lord, I hope your bar adventures leaves you knocked up then we shall see how you feel.

commonsenseHasleft September 10, 2009, 1:38 PM

Funny how the author isn’t listed. Still drunk hoE chicks aren’t alot of fun either other then a one night stand while sharing a weekend in vegas. Opps.I’m not a bar or club guy so you wouldnt find me near one & chicks like the author I wouldn’t touch even after a doctors examination & several clean bills of health. Nasty….& immature. Just trash.

Krystal September 10, 2009, 1:49 PM

To commonsense,

You go who ever you are. Totally dumb girls, if anyone ever told me that I couldn’t be in a bar while pregnant, watch out, cuz I would tear them a new one. If I want to go and have fun, that’s my perogative, if people don’t like it, well I guess to damn bad.

nancyBui September 10, 2009, 1:54 PM

i agree. pregnant women shouldn’t be having fun in a club environment.what if a fight breaks out cuz some people are angry drunks?! and you happen to be in arm’s distance to you and your unborn.? are you willing to risk it? there are other places for a pregnant lady to have fun…

N September 10, 2009, 2:07 PM

i can’t believe some pregnant women actually believe they belong in a club!

Dara September 10, 2009, 3:16 PM

not sure why everyone is attacking you. When i was pregnant i stayed the hell away from clubs. why would i risk the chance of someone bumping into me and my stomach?

Anonymous September 10, 2009, 4:28 PM

I think CB is HILARIOUS! It is just a rant… you know, we all have one. Laugh at yourselves ladies~ Lighten up!

becky September 10, 2009, 6:18 PM

LOVE me some CB … lighten up, Mamas

Lynn September 12, 2009, 12:37 AM

Ugh, pregnant bellies in tight tops trying to be sexy. Just nasty. It always changes the vibe of the evening when the preggo friend shows up.

jamie September 15, 2009, 7:09 AM

Seriously, kick out the big-bellied bimbos. Could they be slightly more insecure - if you need to be running out to a club at 9 months pregnant I feel sorry for your child. And what’s worse is then all the preggers want special treatment in the club - uh sorry baby-makers, this place is for the booty-shakers. I for one would much rather be home being taken care of by my loving husband - not in some loud, crowded club. Plus, what’s the fun - you can’t drink.

CB gets it right once again!!

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