Childless Bitch: While you were enjoying your cul-de-sac barbeque this weekend with 89 of your neighbors' precious children, I was in Las Vegas (yes, be jealous) -- enjoying one hell of a fabulous single girls' weekend. That's right ... the pools, the margaritas, the massages ... it was all to-die-for, except for one BIG bump that really killed the scene.
That's right -- I'm talking to YOU, the pregnant girl who thinks it's okay to still go to nightclubs. Your days of fun are over. Listen, delusional 9-monthers ... your bump belongs nowhere in a club. If the prenatal vitamins are somehow clouding your judgment, let's break this down ...
1) There's not a lot of room in the club already, and due to the circumference of your gut, three hot guys that I could be taking home with me tonight are waiting outside.
2) Pregnant women don't drink, which means they are no fun. You're not fooling anyone ordering a Diet Coke and putting it in a cocktail glass. It actually looks worse because, who knows, you may actually be drinking it with rum -- which means you shouldn't even be reproducing in the first place.
3) Congrats! That sparkly top you threw on to try to "fit in" to the scene is really working -- it looks just like the disco ball. They should hang you off the ceiling.
4) I've heard playing music to your unborn child stimulates brain activity, but what exactly can 50 Cent, Lil Wayne, and T.I. teach your child? 50 Cent wasn't referring to the candy bar at your upcoming shower when he said, "I take you to the candy shop / I'll let you lick the lollipop." It's time to go back to Mozart for Babies.
5) All that jumping around can't be good for your fetus. I'm afraid one more booty shake will let loose your bloody show. And liquids on the dance floor have got to be some sort of club violation.
So, next time you're up on your soapbox bragging about how you haven't let pregnant life "change you," you better hold up. Welcome to your new world, where the closest thing you'll get to a club is Gymboree on a play-and-music day.
Thank goodness for fog machines and bottle service, or you would have totally ruined my night. -- CB
1) There's not a lot of room in the club already, and due to the circumference of your gut, three hot guys that I could be taking home with me tonight are waiting outside.
2) Pregnant women don't drink, which means they are no fun. You're not fooling anyone ordering a Diet Coke and putting it in a cocktail glass. It actually looks worse because, who knows, you may actually be drinking it with rum -- which means you shouldn't even be reproducing in the first place.
3) Congrats! That sparkly top you threw on to try to "fit in" to the scene is really working -- it looks just like the disco ball. They should hang you off the ceiling.
4) I've heard playing music to your unborn child stimulates brain activity, but what exactly can 50 Cent, Lil Wayne, and T.I. teach your child? 50 Cent wasn't referring to the candy bar at your upcoming shower when he said, "I take you to the candy shop / I'll let you lick the lollipop." It's time to go back to Mozart for Babies.
5) All that jumping around can't be good for your fetus. I'm afraid one more booty shake will let loose your bloody show. And liquids on the dance floor have got to be some sort of club violation.
So, next time you're up on your soapbox bragging about how you haven't let pregnant life "change you," you better hold up. Welcome to your new world, where the closest thing you'll get to a club is Gymboree on a play-and-music day.
Thank goodness for fog machines and bottle service, or you would have totally ruined my night. -- CB
filed under: pregnancy & baby logic
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