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6-Year-Old Criminal, Thwarted

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I am so thankful that schools are looking to keep us safe.

six year old criminal

Brett Berk: I was thrilled to find, in today's New York Times, an article about the capture of a dangerous juvenile criminal -- one Zachary Christie -- who was apprehended and removed from his first grade classroom for possession of a deadly weapon. Little Mr. Christie -- a.k.a., Zach Attack -- had recently joined a paramilitary organization (code name: "The Cub Scouts") and, intoxicated by the hazing rituals enacted upon him there, brought forth this evidence in the hopes of using it to attract and recruit additional members. Secreting it somewhere on his person, he managed to escape the probing hand of school security, and once safely inside, extracted the item and began displaying it to his impressionable classmates. The Gay Uncle cannot confirm rumors that one of his peers may have said, "Ew. It smells like poopie." Or that another may have said, "Lincoln is the capitol of Nebraska." He also cannot confirm that Zach expressed his plans to "shank a b*tch" during lunch when "the screws were on their prep period." Nor can he confirm that the source of this vendetta involved an unpaid meth debt. (Eyewitnesses reported that the boy may have said "math.")

What I can confirm is that this kind of zero tolerance policy is obviously necessary and 100% effective, just like the zero tolerance/mandatory sentencing policies that have been carried out in other realms like drug crimes, or teen intercourse. I am thrilled to see these practices trickling down and being applied to the youngest trouble makers. Kudos to the Christina, Delaware, school district, and those on the front lines everywhere. It is only through their vigilance that we can stem the tide of total social breakdown.

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28 comments so far | Post a comment now
N October 13, 2009, 12:06 AM

WOW… now that is just sad, this country becomes more pathetic every day.

ashley October 13, 2009, 4:37 AM

WOW!! I wonder what it was . Last year, at the beginning of 1st grade I got a call from my son’s teacher and she said he had drawn a kid with a gun in his journal. I told her, well, yesterday, his friend came over and had one of those guns that shoots foam and rubber darts. No biggie. She said, well that’s what he said too, but we always have to report it. So a week later, I’m up there for something and I look through his journal. Ok, the kids in the pic he drew were smiling, it was colorful and noone was pointing a gun at another person. It was obvious my son had no idea he was doing something wrong. I mean, I can totally understand where they are coming from, but really, step back and assess the situation before things like this go in their permanent records.

littlepeapie October 13, 2009, 5:42 AM

I think that this situation is totally ridiculous. However, as a teacher, I understand where the school is coming from. This child may be as sweet as can be, but I’ve had first graders who weren’t and would’ve used it to hurt someone…that’s the unfortunate thing, when it’s zero tolerance, it is zero tolerance, and some good people get “caught”.

ame i. October 13, 2009, 8:46 AM

My state has had first graders bring “real” knives, cocaine, pot, and guns to school.
This little guy obviously didn’t understand.
Like hell I would allow him to be sent to reform school.

L October 13, 2009, 10:36 PM

At first when I saw this site, I thought it was just about crazy people posting their opinions about neutering America. Now I am thinking its a satire website, similar to Steven Colbert.

Aunt Jeannie October 14, 2009, 10:33 AM

The only comment I have is, the kid didn’t a clue…but what a unique solution for his anger…better he not show up with it at school, again.

ps XOXO, right back at ya’

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