Last night, I did something so bad, so gross, so completely momspicable that I have to share.
Radical Mommy: What on earth could be so bad, you wonder? What could make me, Radical Mommy, the mom who drinks on playdates, the mom who has considered picking up dog poop with my hands because it would be faster than running inside and getting a bag, the mom who doesn't wash her hair for 10 days at a time, cringe? Well, let me tell you.
Last night, my 5-year-old came home from swim practice smiling ear to ear and announced that he had won a race. As a reward, my husband bought him a piece of Laffy Taffy-like candy. Being the fantastical mother that I am (not!), I actually made him wait until after dinner to eat the candy -- and like a good little boy, he acquiesced and did as I asked -- for a change.
After dinner, he was happily eating his candy when I announced that it was bath time. Into the bathroom we went -- candy and all. As my son was peeing (in the toilet) before getting into the tub, the candy in his mouth suddenly shot out and landed -- where? You guessed it: in the toilet. The freshly peed in -- still unflushed -- toilet.
At first, I thought, no big deal, he won't care because it landed in the toilet. Boy was I wrong. Not only did he care, he threw himself into the corner and started to scream and cry like his arm had just been cut off. I tried to calm him down. I offered him an ice pop. I offered him cake. I even offered him a sip of my wine (just kidding). Nothing worked, and his hysteria just escalated. Panicked by his reaction, I finally blurted out, "What do you want me to do? Take it out of the toilet?"
Never in a million years did I think he would say "Yes!" -- and never in 5 million years did I think I would stick my hand in the toilet, grab the candy, wash it off in the sink, and give it back to him. Yup, that's right: I took a piece of candy out of a peed-in toilet, washed it, and put it back in my child's mouth.
To make matters even worse, after I gave him the candy, I walked into the kitchen and saw that my husband had hidden some candy for himself, candy that my son loves and would surely have chosen over the pee-pee candy.
The next day I was driving to work and talking to my sister (yes, I also talk on the phone while driving), and I brought up what happened. Now, you have to know that my sister is my parenting idol -- she has three girls under the age of 11 -- and in my mind, what she says is gospel. I wanted to tell her because I needed to know what she thought. Was I the terrible mother that I thought I was, or was I merely in a crisis situation that needed drastic measures to resolve?
Much to my sheer delight, I was vindicated -- she thought what I did was what needed to be done in such a dire situation. She assured me that urine is sterile (although I am very aware that a toilet bowl is not), and pointed out that she occasionally picked things off the floor and then served them WITHOUT washing them, so in fact I am a better mother that she is.