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Is Your Baby Fined by the Fashion Police?

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Here's your wee one's wake-up call.

baby wearing pink head band

Childless Bitch: Some of you mommies constantly accuse the Childless Bitch of being jealous of your thriving chasing-after-a-leaking-diapered-baby lifestyle. That's why you think we are so empty on the inside, void of any real purpose in life, and totally unfulfilled by weekends spent lounging poolside with our girls in Palm Springs, spontaneous dinners trying out new restaurants -- things that are oh so meaningless and trivial once you have birthed life. Well, you couldn't be farther from the truth -- but I'll take your word for it that I won't really get it until I'm lactating like a cow and complaining about lack of sleep to anyone that will listen via my Facebook status updates. There is one aspect of the baby lifestyle that I won't go as far as saying I'm jealous of, but more like something I could get behind: keeping your baby looking cute and stylish. I dig baby fashion. With one giant exception -- and it's not Crocs.

Yes, my ovaries shriek a little when I walk into a Baby Gap and pull out the tiniest sundress that is so precious if it were 40 sizes bigger, I'd totally buy one for myself. I love being the cool aunt in L.A. that sends my friends' kid its first bikini or pair of jeans. In short, I am totally down with stylish babies; however, I have to draw the line at one thing -- accessorizing your baby's head. Not down! I'm not talking about hats -- long live baby hats! -- I'm talking about those silly headbands you wrap around your bald baby's head to distinguish it from being mistaken for having an XY chromosome. And along with those ridiculous strings, even more absurd are those stickers of cutesy bows that sit atop your baby's head like a precious little present. Why not just get a stick-on tattoo that reads, "Hey, I'm a girl and if you mistake me for anything else my mom thinks I will have long-term emotional scarring possibly leading to confusion in my sexuality later on in life." Did I take that too far?

I'm hoping the garter belt around the baby's head with the addition of the stick-on bow will be a short-lived trend, and that, come next season at Baby Fashion Week, we won't be seeing any babies tumbling down the catwalk wearing heinous head strings and gift-wrapping decor. Until then, bring on the baby skinny jeans!

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16 comments so far | Post a comment now
PlumbLucky October 2, 2009, 5:43 AM

See, every once in a (great) while, I do agree with CB.

I did see a hilarious big that said something to effect of “Who cares if I’m bald, I AM a girl!” in bright pink. On the converse, I think my son is getting a haircut this weekend…you can dress him in overalls/jeans, a shirt with trucks and dinosaurs all in blue, blue sneakers and a blue sweatshirt…and you get “awww…what a cute little girl!”

birdsfly October 2, 2009, 6:52 AM

@PlumbLucky, same thing happened with my son, he was the most boyish boy ever… except for the little baby ringlets!
Now I have a very cute and girly girl but i don’t get offended if someone makes a mistake, she doesn’t have a lot of hair yet and if she’s out in green footies (it’s been cold the fashion police can deal) it’s not entirely unfair for a stranger to think she’s a boy. She just really likes green and I don’t see the point in dressing her in cotton candy pink head to toe.

Brooke October 2, 2009, 6:55 AM

I’m sorry to inform you that the baby headbands will not be a short-lived trend as they have already been around too long for that.

Renee October 2, 2009, 7:51 AM

I love baby headbands. My daughter had many of them! They are no different than any other hairbow a little girl might wear. Geesh, what a thing to get upset about!

Fran October 2, 2009, 9:18 AM

Yeah, sorry ladies. I have to agree with CB on this one. Those baby headbands are nauseating. I only received one when my daughter was born and promptly turned it into a slingshot. There’s no way I’m putting a garter belt on my child’s head and cutting off the circulation to her brain. If you’re that insecure about people confusing the gender of a bald toothless person either dress them all in pink or look deep inside yourself and try and figure out why this sort of thing matters to you. Incidentally, my daughter is 17 months and whenever she wears blue people call her “little guy” and “buddy,” but she really doesn’t mind. Seriously.

Laura October 2, 2009, 10:20 AM

For once, I agree with CB! I have 2 boys, so I guess I can’t say what I would do if I had a girl, but I’m pretty sure I would steer clear of the headbands with the GINORMOUS flower on them that is bigger than the poor girl’s head! That’s gotta be bad for their little neck muscles!

Renee October 2, 2009, 10:32 AM

Not all the headbands squeeze the baby’s head! And it wasn’t about being upset for someone confusing her for a boy. They just look cute :)
To each their own I guess!

Lisa October 2, 2009, 11:13 AM

Hahahahaha, I’m with CB on this one! Those baby headbands on bald infants makes them look like they have head trauma. Headbands on toddlers or babies with hair are okay.

Anonymous October 2, 2009, 2:00 PM

I hate the headbands too, and my mom always stuck those stupid bows in my hair when I was a baby. My little girl had none of that, and when she got mistaken for a boy as a baby a couple times, so what? Babies look pretty much alike anyway! If that’s truly the concern, people need to find better things to worry about. But really, I think it has to do with moms wanting to dress up their babies like they did their doll babies. :-P

jennifer October 2, 2009, 4:48 PM

cb - from one cool auntie to another, i couldn’t agree more! rock on.

Kristina October 6, 2009, 5:35 AM

I too hate those darn headbands. They don’t look comfortable. Who cares if someone says aww what a cute boy! Just smile and say thank you and move along. Be glad they said the kid was cute. Geesh! :)

nandlsdad October 27, 2009, 8:14 AM

I just stumbled onto this column. Boy, are you ever the kind of woman I wouldn’t want to impregnate. I know it’s just a schtick, but yikes.

BTW, you do know that after the kids go through the dirty diaper, sticky-finger stage there is a whole rest of their lives that is pretty cool?

David November 12, 2009, 9:13 PM

Hit another one out the park CB!

I wanted to go to lunch with a friend of mine. She had to bring her kid, and get this. She refused to take the kid anywhere with a TV! Like 20 mins of listening to a baseball game is gonna ruin her kid.

The thing could be in Auschwitz and as long as you keep shoveling liquefied carrots in it’s maw it will go on smiling.

David November 12, 2009, 9:18 PM

CB spitting more truth!

Anonymous November 24, 2009, 4:30 PM

X and Y are separate chromosomes.

Ten Tees January 9, 2011, 12:09 PM

Great site! Good to read. I have got a small thing to submit about shirts.

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