Here's your wee one's wake-up call.
Childless Bitch: Some of you mommies constantly accuse the Childless Bitch of being jealous of your thriving chasing-after-a-leaking-diapered-baby lifestyle. That's why you think we are so empty on the inside, void of any real purpose in life, and totally unfulfilled by weekends spent lounging poolside with our girls in Palm Springs, spontaneous dinners trying out new restaurants -- things that are oh so meaningless and trivial once you have birthed life. Well, you couldn't be farther from the truth -- but I'll take your word for it that I won't really get it until I'm lactating like a cow and complaining about lack of sleep to anyone that will listen via my Facebook status updates. There is one aspect of the baby lifestyle that I won't go as far as saying I'm jealous of, but more like something I could get behind: keeping your baby looking cute and stylish. I dig baby fashion. With one giant exception -- and it's not Crocs.
Yes, my ovaries shriek a little when I walk into a Baby Gap and pull out the tiniest sundress that is so precious if it were 40 sizes bigger, I'd totally buy one for myself. I love being the cool aunt in L.A. that sends my friends' kid its first bikini or pair of jeans. In short, I am totally down with stylish babies; however, I have to draw the line at one thing -- accessorizing your baby's head. Not down! I'm not talking about hats -- long live baby hats! -- I'm talking about those silly headbands you wrap around your bald baby's head to distinguish it from being mistaken for having an XY chromosome. And along with those ridiculous strings, even more absurd are those stickers of cutesy bows that sit atop your baby's head like a precious little present. Why not just get a stick-on tattoo that reads, "Hey, I'm a girl and if you mistake me for anything else my mom thinks I will have long-term emotional scarring possibly leading to confusion in my sexuality later on in life." Did I take that too far?
I'm hoping the garter belt around the baby's head with the addition of the stick-on bow will be a short-lived trend, and that, come next season at Baby Fashion Week, we won't be seeing any babies tumbling down the catwalk wearing heinous head strings and gift-wrapping decor. Until then, bring on the baby skinny jeans!