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It Takes These 8 Dogs to Equal One Kid

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If you really want to practice being a parent, one dog won't do the trick.

Momlogic's Momstrosity: It's almost impossible to explain to someone without children the emotional roller coaster ride that is motherhood. The highs, the lows, and the smells. So when perky couples inform me they're practicing for parenthood by getting a dog, I have to laugh. For a long time. In their face. Granted, it doesn't make me too popular at parties.

What parents in training need to know is that one "canine kid" doesn't begin to equal the myriad experiences one bona fide human child brings to the table. Unless you get ALL of these dogs at once. Each of the dogs selected simulate one of the many "joys" of parenthood. 

1) Crying and Whining: Chihuahua To simulate the crying and whining of a baby, the yapping, yelping, and growling Chihuahua is a must-have. These demanding little canines, just like infants, believe the world revolves around them and get pissed off if you even attempt to engage in any activity that doesn't include them, like showering, reading a book, breathing, eating, or thinking. Just like a baby!

2) Potty Training: Irish Wolfhound
One of the most exasperating parts of parenthood is the proliferation of poo. A human child will need to have diapers, pull-ups, underwear, and bottoms wiped for at least three years. That's why, if you're going to "play parent," you've got to get yourself an Irish Wolfhound. According to, wolfhounds "keep confusing their potty places because they think that it hardly matters where they potty." Welcome to "parenthood"!

3) Drooling and Spit-Up: Bulldog
From snot to drool to spit-up, when you have a kid, ALL their bodily fluids become yours for the wiping. Enter the bulldog, a dog that will drench you and your house with endless streams of drool and slobber for a lifetime.

4) Hyperactivity: Jack Russell Terrier
To mimic a kid's bounding energy, a Jack Russell terrier fits the bill. These dogs, says, are "Freakishly athletic and bursting with energy." Exactly like an overtired toddler hopped up on multiple high-fructose juice boxes.

5) Discipline: Pit Bull
If there are no bad dogs, does it also mean there are no bad toddlers? Not quite.  That's why a pit bull is the perfect stand-in for the toddler mentality of "my way or the highway." Preferably, get a pit that's hard of hearing to really simulate the way kids can "tune out" their parents. Good luck.

6) Trashing Your Home: Great Dane
You know how they say "When you have kids, everything changes"? They're talking about your home. To recreate the "redecorating" a small child does on your nicely decorated abode, the Great Dane is a terrific substitute. Voted the most destructive dog in a U.K. survey, Marmaduke will stain carpets, rip sofas, and chew cables, as will a real kid.

7) Grooming: Poodle
To maintain your kid, you have to be vigilant with grooming, bathing, trimming nails, and brushing hair and teeth. That's why the high-maintenance poodle will simulate the oodles of time you'll need to keep your kid clean and clipped. (If your poodle-baby is a girl, be prepared for battles with the hairbrush and plenty of fussy bows just like you'll have with the real thing.)

8) Toys on the Floor: Siberian Husky
Kids leave their stuff everywhere. When you have kids, your entire house will be covered in toys. Everywhere you look, you'll find tiny LEGOs, puzzle pieces, and trains, planes and automobiles. Constant evidence that tiny people live in your house. The Siberian husky also leaves a bunch of stuff lying around: hair. These dogs shed a LOT. You'll find hair and fur all over your clothing, upholstery, carpeting, under your furniture, on your countertops -- even in your food.

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2 comments so far | Post a comment now
Proud mom of 7 furry 4legged kids October 22, 2009, 5:04 PM

I laugh when people tell me that I have it easy by having 7 “special needs” dogs instead of kids.
But I have to disagree with this article a bit. It all comes down to how you train your animals. They have a mind and personality all their own but are willing to learn…the problem, any problem, with a dog is usually the owner. People are not consistent, they want things done on their time and no consideration for the dog ( has anyone ever told you that you couldnt go potty cuz they were to busy to take you? Would you ever say that to your human kid?) and then get mad when the dog has an accident. People also expect to have a dog understand complete sentences…single word commands are what they comprehend and respond to best. People also get a dog but do not accept the responsibility, the FULL responsibility of ownership. I hear so many stories of how people gave up their pet because he “didn’t listen or was too difficult” or “just to expensive to care for” well when you have human kids and they hit the terrible 2’s or the teen years whats your plan for them?
My dogs are all rescues, they were beaten and abused so badly they were going to be put down, we adopted them and have paid for surgeries, therapies, meds etc….I hocked my wedding rings and sold my favorite shoes and pocketbook to pay for my one dogs double knee surgeries to the tune of $7000.00 because I agreed to take on the commitment and responsibility for the life and well being of this dog. They are 100% dependent on us. They form bonds, attachments and have feelings so when people just give them away when it becomes inconveinent…what do you think it does to that poor animal? They have no way of understanding.
At least kids can get therapy and grow up to understand…pets can’t!

Jen February 20, 2010, 9:35 AM

Lighten up!! I think the author meant the article to be funny. I thought it was hilarious. Funny blog!!

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