Please ... don't come knocking on my door for a treat this Halloween. Enough with this waste of a holiday.
Childless Bitch: I don't get Halloween: Are you seriously spending money on decorating your house and yard with crap like oversized spiders and noises coming from the door? The neighborhood looks like a total mess. I thought I'd be relieved of it this year, given the fact that we are in a recession. Apparently, most of you still think spending $25 on a cheap, slutty costume for your 10-year-old is money well spent. It ain't. And what's more ...
• Tossing eggs at ongoing cars is NOT funny -- it is dangerous. Plus, I couldn't get that crap off my windshield for like a year. Disgusting.
• As if there aren't enough kids in my neighborhood, do they have to bring in a whole van full of more kids?! What, they don't have candy where you live?
• If the lights are off at my house, that is a sign that I am either not home ... or I do not want to open the door (probably the latter). So stop peeking through the windows -- there is no candy here, trust me.
• Why would you encourage your kids to go around the neighborhood and collect a pillowcase (that's a whole other thing ... the pillowcase -- what, because it's bigger than any bag? OMG!) full of candy, when they're already overweight (and hyper) enough?!
• If for some reason I accidentally open the door (to take out the garbage, for example), just so you know, ONLY wearing a mask doesn't count. And those homemade costume thingies? No. Get a real one.
• Halloween happens on October 31st only, OK? You don't have to dress up the entire week beforehand. It's bad enough I have had to brave the supermarket looking at oversized bags of candy for an entire month! Pfft ... it takes forever to get to the healthy foods.
• If after five minutes no one has come to the door -- STOP KNOCKING! I am trying to watch "Friday Night Lights" in peace!
• Dressing up at the office? I'm not even going to address this one. You look like a total tool. Did someone say something about an "office parade"? I'd rather have a root canal.
• Ummm ... trick-or-treating is for children. Parents, leave your bags (pillowcases) at home -- you look desperate.
• It's 8 PM ... do you know where your teenage kids are? If they are not home, they're probably TP'ing someone's house. Hasn't Halloween been enough of an environmental waste already?
• Please spare me from having to look at pictures of your kids in their costumes. No, they are not cuuuuuute. OK?!