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Keep Your Kids Out of My Neighborhood!

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Please ... don't come knocking on my door for a treat this Halloween. Enough with this waste of a holiday.

childless bitch hating trick or treaters

Childless Bitch: I don't get Halloween: Are you seriously spending money on decorating your house and yard with crap like oversized spiders and noises coming from the door? The neighborhood looks like a total mess. I thought I'd be relieved of it this year, given the fact that we are in a recession. Apparently, most of you still think spending $25 on a cheap, slutty costume for your 10-year-old is money well spent. It ain't. And what's more ...

• Tossing eggs at ongoing cars is NOT funny -- it is dangerous. Plus, I couldn't get that crap off my windshield for like a year. Disgusting.

• As if there aren't enough kids in my neighborhood, do they have to bring in a whole van full of more kids?! What, they don't have candy where you live?

• If the lights are off at my house, that is a sign that I am either not home ... or I do not want to open the door (probably the latter). So stop peeking through the windows -- there is no candy here, trust me.

• Why would you encourage your kids to go around the neighborhood and collect a pillowcase (that's a whole other thing ... the pillowcase -- what, because it's bigger than any bag? OMG!) full of candy, when they're already overweight (and hyper) enough?!

• If for some reason I accidentally open the door (to take out the garbage, for example), just so you know, ONLY wearing a mask doesn't count. And those homemade costume thingies? No. Get a real one.

• Halloween happens on October 31st only, OK? You don't have to dress up the entire week beforehand. It's bad enough I have had to brave the supermarket looking at oversized bags of candy for an entire month! Pfft ... it takes forever to get to the healthy foods.

• If after five minutes no one has come to the door -- STOP KNOCKING! I am trying to watch "Friday Night Lights" in peace!

• Dressing up at the office? I'm not even going to address this one. You look like a total tool. Did someone say something about an "office parade"? I'd rather have a root canal.

• Ummm ... trick-or-treating is for children. Parents, leave your bags (pillowcases) at home -- you look desperate.

• It's 8 PM ... do you know where your teenage kids are? If they are not home, they're probably TP'ing someone's house. Hasn't Halloween been enough of an environmental waste already?

• Please spare me from having to look at pictures of your kids in their costumes. No, they are not cuuuuuute. OK?!



next: Why You Should Let Your Kids Sleep In on Weekends
26 comments so far | Post a comment now
PlumbLucky October 29, 2009, 4:47 AM

Hmmm…simple solution for your sorry self-absorbed self:

1. Turn off your porchlight and don’t answer the door. He!!, hand a NO Trick OR Treating sign on your door.

2. Go out and hunt up one of those sexy boy men you were so worried that the bump in the club was going to keep out a few columns back.

Seriously…looks near identical to a whine posted LAST October. We get it. You hate Halloween. Thank you for at least not attempting to couch it with holier-than-thou “christian” attitude.

Mary October 29, 2009, 5:26 AM

i can’t imagine why someone (kids or parents) would egg your car, you seem like such a pleasant person to be around!

chris October 29, 2009, 5:27 AM

If the lights are off my kids will not go up to the house. You have ever right not to pass out candy and my kids have ever right to go trick or treating.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Kelly October 29, 2009, 6:11 AM

You must get egged every year and I’m guessing not just on Halloween.

MarMar October 29, 2009, 7:05 AM

If kids are coming to your house, knocking, looking in windows, when your porch light is clearly off and it’s obvious you’re not giving out candy - yeah, I’d be upset too. And I have a kid. And she will be in an actual costume - although the kids with just the masks might not be able to afford anything else. And they might come to your neighborhood because they can’t trick or treat in their own. So I’ll give you points for a few things, but the rest - eh, you’re not called “The Childless B*TCH” for nothing!

Jennifer October 29, 2009, 7:08 AM

You “have-no-life” SAHMs need a sense of humor. The writer is dead on. She just accurately described you and your “conservative christian” selves. You proclaim the values, but dress your minions up as the devil and trepass on neighbors lawns.

chris October 29, 2009, 8:04 AM

Jennifer - WTH?? so all SAHM’s are convervative christians? Are you actually saying that you can’t have values and let you children trick n treat? I take the “childless bit*h” with a grain of salt and a lot of times even agree with her but she certainly doesn’t attack people base on their faith and I find it very disgusting that you seem to apply that she does.

PlumbLucky October 29, 2009, 9:02 AM

SAHM? Bad assumption.

DANI October 29, 2009, 9:04 AM

i wish trick or treaters came to my house. I love to give out candy. There is something wrong with this lady. I couldnt imagine why anyone would egg her car.

Anonymous October 29, 2009, 9:45 AM

TRICK OR TREAT :D :D :D :D :D

Black Iris October 29, 2009, 9:53 AM

You sound like a stereotype of a bitter old maid. Stop wasting your time judging everyone else. Don’t spend your life getting upset by minor inconviences. Open your heart a little to other people’s joy.

I am baffled by this kind of blog. Don’t you think it might give childless people a bad name? I always have to fight to keep myself from judging other childless people when I hear from someone like you.

Black Iris October 29, 2009, 10:03 AM

@Jennifer - you sound pretty bitter. Oh my goodness, some children walked on your lawn? And they were dressed as the devil? What is this generation coming to? They must have evil, hypocritical parents. We don’t like having their kind of people in the neighborhood.

Honestly, weren’t you a child yourself once? Didn’t your parents let you eat candy and be noisy and dirty every now and then?

Leftist, feminist Christian SAHM who isn’t really very good at loving her enemies, but thinks we might all be able to get along with the people in our neighborhood with a little patience and tolerance.

Hellpig October 29, 2009, 11:17 AM

My god that was old-fartish boring display of vulgar opinion. Go hide under a rock instead… ;)

Jessica October 29, 2009, 11:19 AM

I can see your childless for a reason. You were a child once and looked foward to this day im sure. You were probably a mischievous teenager also, give the kids a break your only young once. Go out for the night if you don’t like it but that probably wont happen because all your friends will be dressing up going to halloween parties having a good time, they probably wouldn’t want your negative self there anyway.

Jack October 29, 2009, 11:22 AM

First off @ Jennifer, are you assuming that all who celebrate holloween are christian? Cause if so you’re horribly mistaken. What a vauge generalization. Second, you have to be the winest person I’ve heard! It’s a celebration of the time when demons were HEAVILY believed in, well, in all technicality it started in Ireland were they don masks to scare off the demons when it was still inhabited by the Cult of the Dead. But it is still ongoing, grow up, and get laid, get that stick removed from your a*s.

Anonymous October 29, 2009, 11:27 AM

“And those homemade costume thingies? No. Get a real one”

Excuse me?
So you want all parents to be completely un-creative , typical consumers?

I make costumes and there is nothing wrong with it!


angie October 29, 2009, 12:27 PM

WOW! Why don’t you just go out for the evening? I mean, how hard is it to buy a bag of candy and hand it out for an hour or two? Even before I had kids I enjoyed Halloween. Take a deep breath and have a glass of wine. In other words…chill.

mercaties October 29, 2009, 10:14 PM

I actually feel sorry for this woman. She has got to be the most miserable person on earth. If you are so annoyed with everyones children like you always seem to be maybe you should try and move into a retirement center.

Linnie! October 30, 2009, 6:57 AM

GO JACK! that was an awesome response!

seriously October 30, 2009, 9:07 AM

why does MOM logic keep posting this rude trash by this childless (and bitter sounding)person.


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