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Sexting Your Spouse and Other Fun Things!

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Try these fun tips to spice up your sex life.

couple in bed kissing

Dr. Michelle Golland: In my private practice, I work with couples that are struggling with many issues -- whether a conflict-filled marriage, a sexless one, or both. As you can imagine, they do often go together. There is the rare conflict-filled but totally passionate marriage, and the sexless marriage that seems otherwise fairly healthy. However, to have a fully connected and conscious couplehood, you need emotional safety and connection as well as a mutually satisfying sexual life. Many couples who have been together for many years and who have children are most likely simply exhausted, have entered a sexual rut, or both.

When we first meet our partner, we are excited. Our heart can race, love hormones are released in our blood stream, and juices start flowing -- literally. All of this is wonderful and exciting -- and let's face it, it feels really good emotionally and physically. This is a biological response that is intended to bond us to our partner and will last only for a certain period of time. This is that "Romantic Stage" of love that many couples make the mistake of trying to get back to rather than create a more mature, solid relationship. You see, we are not supposed to stay in Romantic Love, but are hopefully moving toward a more honest and deeper love, filled with mutual purpose and respect. When he used to shave and leave his hair in the sink, you thought, "Oh look, how cute his hair is!" Now we just want to kick him as we wash that disgusting hair down the sink.

Our sexual relationship can be really impacted by transitioning into a long-term marriage -- and often couples are embarrassed to actually discuss their needs sexually with their partner. The couples that see me realize I quickly focus on the matter at hand when it comes to sex. When, where, and are you happy? We talk about masturbation and other fun topics that seem to make them blush. I find it is key to discuss couples' expectations and desires to get at what each is really missing sexually. I explain that our sexual lives as a couple need to be addressed honestly and directly, just like other issues. As married couples, we need date night and good communication, which help increase the emotional connection that will hopefully lead to sexual intimacy.

I realized that what many of the couples miss is the "flirting" and "playful" experience sexual intimacy used to provide in their lives. I discuss ways to build a warm, connected anticipation for sex in fun and creative ways. Our sexual appetites evolve and change as we age, just as other parts of ourselves do. Feeling sexually desired by our partner is very important, and wanting our husband sexually can't be underestimated. I have found a few ways to help jump-start your sexual life. These things will hopefully ignite some heat!

1) Sexting your spouse: This is a fun and exciting way to tweak your sexual side. You may get tingly all over! Simply start sexting your spouse and see what happens. When I asked couples to do this, they laughed at first -- but I explained that they should text their spouse an erotic message once or twice a day. It can be quick and to the point, or a little longer -- whatever you think would turn on your partner. After giving this assignment, each couple had a sexual encounter, which of course was the goal!

2) Toys and other fun stuff: If you have never used a vibrator, ladies, you need to try it. It is quick and fun. Many partners think it is sexy too. Also, getting a variety of gels and oils to help things along is key when re-invigorating your sexual relationship.

3) Erotica: If you or your spouse is a visual person and could be stimulated by watching erotica, I say go for it. Not all erotica is distasteful or hardcore. It can be very helpful to help heat up the sheets in your bedroom. Shop together for what you think would be fun or exciting.

4) Flirt:
Simply flirt with your partner. C'mon, you remember, don't you? Grab his butt, tickle his hand or earlobe, and rub up his leg while he is driving. Try to sneak and say sexy and erotic things to each other without the kids catching you. Make it a secret game!

If you or your spouse is not happy with your sexual relationship, I believe it is time to act quickly -- because one of the things we find with sex is that the more you have it, the more you want it, and the less you have it, the less you want it. It really is a situation of use it or lose it. Many couples may live long sexless marriages or marriages where multiple affairs are going on. Either way, it is no way I want to live with my partner and husband of 20 years.

Be fun, free, and flirty! Get in touch with your own erotic side -- you just may be surprised how much fun you can have again. Also, print this out for your husband so he can get with the program too. Aren't you curious how he would flirt with you? Excuse me, but I need to send a text!

So start sexting your spouse and tell me what comes of it.

next: Trick-or-Treating Is Hazardous to Your Health
5 comments so far | Post a comment now
Lara October 19, 2009, 3:06 PM

I believe there are many roads to Rome and to multiple orgasms, says Dr Patti Britton. By freeing ourselves of inhibitions, jettisoning old beliefs about our sexual capacities and learning the necessary skills, we can all reach sexual ecstasy again and again, all in the same night. This may be helpful “Techniques For Real Sex”

Paula S October 19, 2009, 11:01 PM

I love this article! I do ladies’ pleasure parties so I am always encouraging women to try new things sexually in order to keep their love alive. Isn’t it great that technology opens up new pathways to do just that? Sexy texting is so fun and can build anticipation throughout the day and lead to a very steamy evening filled with fun and passion.

gina July 27, 2010, 8:07 AM

Ok, I was totally on board until it got to the erotica thing. I say this because I know! Put a side the fact that its a sin and that the actors both male and female our putting there health at risk (statistics for porn actors are startling it has been said by some of the biggest stars in the porn industry that if you are in the business you have stds and that is by there own admission.) But still put all of that a side and this is what happened to me. My now husband and I were just teenagers when we met and I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive so I thought it would help if we watched erotica and it did in one way but it became a problem for him. My husband is now a recovering porn addict. It got to where soft porn wasn’t enough so he moved to harder and harder unknown to me my only clue was that he changed personality wise. He didn’t want me etc. It got so bad that he made arrangements for me to spend a weekend with his mom while he made plans to meet a prostitute. He cowered out and I found the emails to her setting up money, time, and place but how far could this have gone. NO! I promise you erotica will not help the health of your marriage! I am scared for life wondering if he is doing that again if I’m sexy enough I have done things of my own choosing in the bedroom that I didn’t feel comfortable with because I don’t want him to feel the need to do that again. Please hear me. stay away from porn. Let’s call it what it is, its PORN. That girl is some guys baby, that guy is some mammas little boy and most likely the person watching will become an addict. Check out she is an x porn star who has quite a story to tell.

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