twitter facebook stumble upon rss

5 Signs Your Preschooler is a Criminal

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This
Preschoolers are nothing more than little criminals-in-training, each poised to move easily from playpen to the state pen.


Momlogic's Momstrosity: Babies start out innocent enough. They're just happy having their needs met and drooling now and then -- but soon that isn't good enough, and kids start exhibiting traits consistent with the most hardened criminals. A new study says we're all harboring pint-sized thugs in our homes. I know I am. Researchers found that preschoolers who showed no fear were more likely to commit crimes as adults. To me, that means ALL of them. Any kid who's ever pulled a dog's tail is living on the edge. If your preschooler isn't already in the slammer, or in a prolonged time-out, there might still be hope. But I doubt it.

5 Signs Your Kid Is a Common Criminal: 
1) Lying

Ask any 3-year-old why Dad's shoes are filled with Play-Doh or why the cat is wet and you will be met by a barrage of calculated and carefully crafted lies -- the sign of a true sophisticated criminal and con. So good are tots at masquerading their nefarious activity, they can look you straight in the eye and insist, "I'm a princess," or "I can fly to the moon."  Same kind of lies they'll be spinning when warden asks if there's any contraband in their cell -- right before they stick him with a shiv. 

2) Excessive drug use
Preschoolers are always on the search for their next "high." Hopped up on their drug of choice -- chocolate, candy, and cookies -- their goal is to procure more of the sweet stuff by any means necessary. In fact, on Halloween, fueled by their addictions, marauding packs of children canvas door to door in search of a quick fix. Remember: Sweet Tarts are a gateway drug.

3) Habitual stealing
Can't find your keys? Have all the forks suddenly disappeared? No doubt you're living with a sticky finger 37" petty thief. In a routine shakedown of your kid's room, you're bound to find many of your fave items stashed into backpacks, under the bed, or in a Candy Land box. Just like cigarettes, the currency of prison, preschoolers use their ill-begotten gains to trade with friends who stop by for playdates.

 4) Vandalism

Tagging the living room with markers and defacing books are all just a regular day in the life of a mini-juvenile delinquent. Putting your kid into lockdown (time-outs) might detour your little hoodlum for a while, but they'll be sure to go on another rampage if they miss their nap. 

5) Conning and manipulation
To get what they want, the average preschooler will employ the old bait and switch when not getting the answer they want from one parent, and will turn to the other. Or they will simply ask you to "close your eyes" as they climb up the bookcase to get the forbidden object du jour down from a high shelf. Years later, these skills will become invaluable when trying to fool their parole officer.

It's pretty clear you shouldn't turn your back on a preschooler -- which begs the question: Do they make orange jumpsuits in 3T?

next: Translate Your Baby Name for $1,678
9 comments so far | Post a comment now
Lori November 17, 2009, 4:14 PM

This is so funny!

Pharmf398 December 4, 2009, 9:08 AM

Very nice site!

K December 10, 2009, 12:08 PM

this article is a load of bull. I did some of those things as a child and i am anything but a criminal! what a ridiculous story!

Katie December 19, 2009, 1:46 PM

“this article is a load of bull. I did some of those things as a child and i am anything but a criminal! what a ridiculous story!
- K”

Because it’s obvious you wouldn’t know a joke if it bit you on the nose…

Joke: (n) something said or done to provoke laughter

Monica January 3, 2010, 7:39 PM

My husband and I died laughing. #5 describes my 3 year old son.

hotels in hessi jerbi April 29, 2010, 7:57 PM

Worth Any,exactly dangerous his help possibly temperature value owner effective decade mountain make transfer period fresh free cost current faith order southern easy be proportion most file perfect wrong whole launch marry public hour fall magazine release house benefit text table provided medical around tax closely further consideration her warm final pound sister arm northern proportion funny plus pupil impose return towards each come quick hate occur benefit card equal before claim fire fresh lunch okay generate foundation one excellent plant far route partner number odd through certainly miss egg

Elizabeth November 4, 2010, 3:48 PM
Destrie May 21, 2011, 6:57 AM

Kewl you shulod come up with that. Excellent!

Ice May 22, 2011, 8:58 AM

That’s more than senbisle! That’s a great post!

Back to top >>