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Don't Call Me a Husband Stealer

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Many of you will assume, before you even reach the end of this sentence, that I'm the villain. And you won't be alone. But you won't be right either.

Don't call me a husband stealer

Wife #2: I fell in love with another man. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

The simple part: we had to be together.

The complicated part: everything else.

We met at our children's school. Our kids were friends. Our families were friends, and yes, I was friends with his wife.

How did it happen? 

At first, we were just acquaintances. But there was a simmering electricity, a lingering look across the pre-K classroom. Every day, I found myself swiping on some extra lip gloss, just in case he'd be at school. When the year ended, I was filled with an unfamiliar ache because I knew I wouldn't see him. 

The next year, our children became closer, and so did our families. We started spending more time together, hanging out at each other's homes. There were some innocently delicious moments in those early days. Like the Christmas party, where, after one champagne too many, he grinned and said, "There are things about you, Caroline ..."

These moments became less innocent over time. One night, a group of us went to a neighborhood pub. We were the last two left. He kissed me. 

Of course, we had the typical "that was a mistake, it will never happen again" conversation the next day. We tried desperately to stick to it, but we were done for.

Here's the strange thing: we never had much of an affair. We snuck around for about three weeks. I'm not proud of that, but we get points for brevity. We just weren't affair material.

I'll never forget the morning it all broke open. I was shopping with my kids when I got a voicemail from him.

"I can't take it anymore. I'm 99% sure I'm going to tell her today. Now I'm turning off my phone so you can't try to convince me not to. I love you."

There was plenty of torture to follow for all of us. But in the end, we left our spouses for each other. We're getting married and raising our five children (my three and his two) as a family. Our ex-spouses hate us on a good day. 

We have only two priorities: our children and our relationship. Some of you are probably ranting about the "damage" we've done to our kids. There has been hurt. We don't deny it. But we'll spend the rest of our years making it right. Our children will have big, noisy, rich lives. And they'll grow up with parents so devoted to each other that they'd risk everything.

As for the exes, I wish they'd have revenge sex. Anything to ease the bitterness. We want them to be happy, but staying married to them would have only guaranteed unhappiness. 

So did I steal him? His ex and the hens she clucks around with accuse me of that. But I don't believe anyone can really steal another person. 

I think of it this way: if you were offered the chance to be truly happy, to live out your days with your soulmate, would you have the guts to jump? That's what we did. We held hands and jumped.

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157 comments so far | Post a comment now
PlumbLucky November 17, 2009, 4:48 AM

Nope, you aren’t a husband stealer, as he willingly came to you.

I’ll just politely agree to disagree with you as far as whether what was done was right or not. I don’t think it is, but its NOMB either.

Lucy November 17, 2009, 4:56 AM

I have to say, that a year ago, I would have thought the worst of you. Now, after my own marital problems, and reconnecting with my first love, I can completely understand where you are coming from. I can almost say that I admire you for being so bold. I haven’t made the move myself because of my concern for the both our spouses and our children who would be hurt. I do hope that you and your entire extended family end up healthy, happy, and at peace.

Roxana November 17, 2009, 5:38 AM

wow. i feel sorry for your kids. watch out for karma.

Roxana November 17, 2009, 5:41 AM

and yeah, you *are* a husband stealer. so there.

Anonymous November 17, 2009, 5:49 AM

I agree that you can’t “steal” another person against their will, but I don’t agree with almost everything else you’ve said. For one thing, while attractions aren’t something we always control, it definitely is up to us whether to act on them or walk away.

Also I feel that as a mom my kids needs and happiness have to come first. Even if you try for the rest of your life there are some things that you just can’t “make up” to your kids. You’ll never get them back what they’ve lost. And as far as having a parent that is so devoted to their step-parent that they’re willing to risk everything (even the happiness of their children), I haven’t found that kids are much impressed with that type of consolation prize.

Rachel November 17, 2009, 5:52 AM

Maybe you’re not a husband stealer, but it’s obvious that you and your “new” husband are both disgustingly selfish. You can’t tell me you were thinking about your kids when this happened - oh wait, you did, but it didn’t matter as much as your own wants and needs. Your new “love” was at a price - years of discomfort on the part of your children, being torn between two parents, etc., all because of “electricity.” GMAFB. You sound as though you have the maturity of a 16 year old - whatever feels good in the moment.

As Roxana said, kharma will follow. As much as you rag on your exes for “bitterness” and that they should have “revenge sex,” children aren’t stupid. The only thing you’re guaranteeing is your own loneliness in about 10 years, when you realize this “electricity” has fizzled, your exes have better lives, and your children recognize your selfishness and decide they’d be better off without you. Good luck with that.

Kelly November 17, 2009, 6:07 AM

I hope you realize that statistically relationships/marriages that begin as yours did , usually end the same way- with someone cheating and leaving. I guess you reap what you sow…

Gigohead  November 17, 2009, 6:32 AM

Not sure why Momlogic posts such awful stories. There was nothing REDEEMING about this story.

I feel that it only serves to stoke to ego of this selfish and unscrupulous writer.

Perhaps when she develops a conscious and gains some morals, it may make her a better writer.

For now, all she seems to write is pure garbage.

Black Iris November 17, 2009, 6:32 AM

If your children were your priority, you would have stopped yourself when you started putting lip gloss on for him. You would have avoided this guy. You would have realized this was a wake-up call and started working on your marriage.

You decided that what you want is more important than what other people want. Your husband and his wife are unhappy. You once were in love with your husband. You made promises to him.

I don’t think name-calling is helpful, but I think people who did bad things should admit that they did them. You committed adultery and broke up two homes. You hurt your ex-spouses. They certainly have the right to be angry and insult you.

maeby November 17, 2009, 6:49 AM

Chances are your husband was cheating on you too. It just happens. I dont believe in forever. I think people fall out of love. Why not find someone else to love? How is it ruining your child when they still get to see their mother be happy and still get to see their father (possibly be happy, soon). twice the family! I’m married and we’re not in love anymore. we’re staying together and being civil and friendly with one another, but keeping our options open for love that might come our way. our kids wont be all messed up because we havent pretended that marriage is some fairy tale that people live forever and ever. wake up people. this is reality.

samantha November 17, 2009, 6:52 AM

If he’ll cheat with you he’ll cheat on you! Im sure you believe that won’t happen as your spouses believed also but it’ll come. Deep down you know that he might feel a spark for someone else and maybe the blended family won’t be quite as peachy when the kids realize that you guys tossed aside their biological parent for each other. You say you didn’t steal him away maybe not but you certainly lured him away. Any man that will walk away from his first wife and mother of his kids will walk away from the mistress and her 3 children when the harsh reality sets in. Write back 5 years from now Im willing to bet you won’t be with this man anymore.

chris November 17, 2009, 6:56 AM

For a woman so proud of herself and her decisions…I noticed you didn’t post a picture of yourself. Maybe you’re not as proud as you say. Remember, relationships that start on a lie when end on a lie.

Gail Cooke November 17, 2009, 7:11 AM

Hey whatever helps you sleep at night.

Hope he gets nailed for a huge support payment.

Jill November 17, 2009, 7:24 AM

“And they’ll grow up with parents so devoted to each other that they’d risk everything.” So devoted to each other, but not their children. Selfish all the way.

Ruben November 17, 2009, 8:25 AM

I was a child when this happened to my family - almost exactly as you described. The families vacationed together, lived in the same neighborhood, etc. And I do hope you’re happy now, because you’ve put your children in a horrible position. You have shown them that *your* happiness is supreme and now they have to deal with the mess you have made of their lives. If you were unhappy with your marriage, you should have dealt with that situation before jumping into a new relationship that was so explosive to so many people. I don’t begrudge you your feelings, but the way you handled them was selfish and insensitive to your spouses and children. It’s been over 20 years since this happened to me and this day, I have the scars. It may be sweetness and light today, but you’ll see the damage you’ve inflicted on the kids before it’s all over. Good luck with that.

Anonymous November 17, 2009, 8:34 AM

People do fall in and out of love but as a responsible adult you should have handled it better. You should have desolved your marriage first and then moved on. No good comes from being a liar and a cheater.

Anonymous November 17, 2009, 9:39 AM

Im sure you felt the same about your first husband when you met him. How long is it going to take for you two become sick of eachother as well and turn your head to the next guy that pays attention to you. There is a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things it doesnt take a genius to figure out what path you chose. No matter what Im sure your first husband would have been hurt if you ended the marriage before you chose to have an affair but Im sure he would have alot more respect for you and not have this bitterness you say he has. Also what kind of examlpe are you setting for your children? Basically your teaching them when your marriage gets stale sex it up with the next guy who pays attention to you. The fact that you chose a man who was already married makes it even worse. Are you a villan? No Did you make some horrible choice? Definetly!!

buck November 17, 2009, 10:00 AM

It’ll get really interesting when the next soulmate comes along.

anon November 17, 2009, 10:07 AM

Kids never forget when you don’t put them first. Be prepared. You might have done what is best for you but at what cost and at what example for your children who are unlikely to trust any relationship. Good luck.

Big Mama November 17, 2009, 10:32 AM

Who is to say that the same exact thing won’t happen in your current marriage? You’re both cheaters. There is no guarantee that this marriage is sacred, either.

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