twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Don't Call Me a Husband Stealer

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

Many of you will assume, before you even reach the end of this sentence, that I'm the villain. And you won't be alone. But you won't be right either.

Don't call me a husband stealer

Wife #2: I fell in love with another man. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

The simple part: we had to be together.

The complicated part: everything else.

We met at our children's school. Our kids were friends. Our families were friends, and yes, I was friends with his wife.

How did it happen? 

At first, we were just acquaintances. But there was a simmering electricity, a lingering look across the pre-K classroom. Every day, I found myself swiping on some extra lip gloss, just in case he'd be at school. When the year ended, I was filled with an unfamiliar ache because I knew I wouldn't see him. 

The next year, our children became closer, and so did our families. We started spending more time together, hanging out at each other's homes. There were some innocently delicious moments in those early days. Like the Christmas party, where, after one champagne too many, he grinned and said, "There are things about you, Caroline ..."

These moments became less innocent over time. One night, a group of us went to a neighborhood pub. We were the last two left. He kissed me. 

Of course, we had the typical "that was a mistake, it will never happen again" conversation the next day. We tried desperately to stick to it, but we were done for.

Here's the strange thing: we never had much of an affair. We snuck around for about three weeks. I'm not proud of that, but we get points for brevity. We just weren't affair material.

I'll never forget the morning it all broke open. I was shopping with my kids when I got a voicemail from him.

"I can't take it anymore. I'm 99% sure I'm going to tell her today. Now I'm turning off my phone so you can't try to convince me not to. I love you."

There was plenty of torture to follow for all of us. But in the end, we left our spouses for each other. We're getting married and raising our five children (my three and his two) as a family. Our ex-spouses hate us on a good day. 

We have only two priorities: our children and our relationship. Some of you are probably ranting about the "damage" we've done to our kids. There has been hurt. We don't deny it. But we'll spend the rest of our years making it right. Our children will have big, noisy, rich lives. And they'll grow up with parents so devoted to each other that they'd risk everything.

As for the exes, I wish they'd have revenge sex. Anything to ease the bitterness. We want them to be happy, but staying married to them would have only guaranteed unhappiness. 

So did I steal him? His ex and the hens she clucks around with accuse me of that. But I don't believe anyone can really steal another person. 

I think of it this way: if you were offered the chance to be truly happy, to live out your days with your soulmate, would you have the guts to jump? That's what we did. We held hands and jumped.



next: Message to Military Mom Fighting Deployment
157 comments so far | Post a comment now
Natasha @ BecomingSomething November 17, 2009, 11:40 PM

You cannot steal another person, this is true. It seems to me that you’ve taken one truth and made it your foundation thinking that if the foundation was strong that all the lies you piled on top of it would hold. It’s logical to think this way because a strong foundation is the most important part of a building. However, even a building with the strongest foundation will crumble when it’s made of paper because it will rain; storms will come.

There was a time when I thought I couldn’t bear to stay in my marriage one more day. I knew I could be happy elsewhere. I knew I could find twenty other soul mates who would make me happier.

Not a very long time later, I am happier than I’ve ever been. But I’m married to the same man. Soon it will be eleven years.

Had I left and pursued other dreams, I know I would have been happier than I was then. That’s easy to conclude and anyone who knew how I felt at the time agreed with me. But while a new life would have granted me vividly coloured happiness, I know that would have eventually faded away with the infatuation and the novelty.

Instead I chose temporary unhappiness for later joy.

Because we worked so very hard, because we gave over our pride, because we were unfailingly honest, and because we believed in our family— marriage IS the foundation of a family, rarely ground unto itself— we transformed ourselves and our marriage.

At the time, I had only a grain of belief that this was possible. That grain came from friends whose marriage I envied telling me their own story of misery-turned-joy.

I let that belief grow because I remembered how we started, how madly I loved him, how I thought he was perfect, how I endured two years of heartbreaking mere friendship because I knew we’d marry each other, how I’d do anything for him, and then I looked at what we’d become. And I recognised that no matter who I chose to fill his place, the same was possible unless I changed myself, and since I had to change anyway, I might as well change with the person I was with.

I now have the marriage that people envy. I have a husband that people think is fiction: He couldn’t possibly be so generous and funny and honourable and successful and intelligent and damn sexy. And he has a wife he thinks is heaven. We will always choose us.

And I have the peace of conscience of knowing that my children will grow up believing in marriage, believing in honesty, believing in commitment, believing in unconditional love.

If we don’t believe in our own abilities to change our perceptions, to love what we have, then where does this effort to bend the world to our submission end? How lucky for us that you were only unhappy in your marriage and not, say, unhappy with the world, lest we’d all fallen prey to your wrath. How many people would have wiped out the world if only it were possible, if only they knew how? You might call that a stretch but didn’t you at one time think an affair and divorce was a stretch? Look at the second comment: “I have to say, that a year ago, I would have thought the worst of you. Now, after my own marital problems, and reconnecting with my first love, I can completely understand where you are coming from.”

Every bad choice and evil act begins with the thought that turns to desire and when given a little nourishment, it quickly takes over until we can’t remember ever feeling differently and then because we can’t remember ever feeling differently, it seems there’s nowhere to go but forward into the reality that we created, starting inside our heads.

How easily and quickly we can change, for worse or for good, if we but choose.

You could have changed your entire future if you stopped your fantasising in the beginning before you really knew who you were fantasising about, before the sacrifice of that momentary pleasure became too painful. Instead, you took little steps that brought you to the point where you could have made an easy choice, or an excruciatingly difficult choice. You chose the easy choice: your own happiness over everyone else’s.

What you did was not bold. The very fact that so many women will silently relate to your story demonstrates how very unbold it was.

It would have been bold for you to step backwards, recognise that you could change your reality, and then set about changing it, though it would require more faith than you thought possible and numberless tears upon your pillow and your best friend’s shoulders.

According to your story here, you simply found a shinier toy and you wanted it. Maybe your old toy needed some oiling and polishing and it was easier to just buy a new one with your birthday money. Or maybe you’d set it aside so long that you forgot how to use it and you didn’t want to embarrass yourself by having to ask someone to show you how to use it again.

Unlike some other comments I’ve read offsite, this story doesn’t make me angry. I don’t despise you (woman I don’t know). I can very much understand your plight and I’m familiar with that sort of longing.

No, I feel sorry for you knowing that you have hurt yourself more than anyone else. You will be held accountable.

Not only that, but when your children are older, chances are that they will experience great heartaches that will be directly related to their family being torn apart, their loyalties being divided, their faith and security being destroyed. It’s almost impossible to endure such childhood trauma and not carry significant wounds that will last well into adulthood. Studies show that it is easier for children to cope from the loss of a parent than divorce. You admitted that it would take the rest of your lives to make it right to your children. It would take that long, and yet you would do it.

You give yourself points for only cheating and deceiving for 3 weeks. Had it been a hundred years it would be no worse. The dice were cast, the deception carried out, the hearts broken.

I’m not judging you, I am judging your actions according to the information you’ve given us. Some things are simply wrong. Your story is really no different from many. It’s simply universal truth that we reap what we sow and that we have the power to change our circumstances but we so often choose the path that seems easiest.

Imagine a world where we all chose our own happiness no matter the consequences to those we’ve vowed to love most, to those we’ve even created from our own flesh. Imagine such a world.

It’s people like me who are holding this world together. It hurts like hell but oh, the ecstasy after.

Natasha @ BecomingSomething November 17, 2009, 11:46 PM

and funny and honourable and successful and intelligent and damn sexy. And he has a wife he thinks is heaven. We will always choose us.

And I have the peace of conscience of knowing that my children will grow up believing in marriage, believing in honesty, believing in commitment, believing in unconditional love.

If we don’t believe in our own abilities to change our perceptions, to love what we have, then where does this effort to bend the world to our submission end? How lucky for us that you were only unhappy in your marriage and not, say, unhappy with the world, lest we’d all fallen prey to your wrath. How many people would have wiped out the world if only it were possible, if only they knew how? You might call that a stretch but didn’t you at one time think an affair and divorce was a stretch? Look at the second comment: “I have to say, that a year ago, I would have thought the worst of you. Now, after my own marital problems, and reconnecting with my first love, I can completely understand where you are coming from.”

Every bad choice and evil act begins with the thought that turns to desire and when given a little nourishment, it quickly takes over until we can’t remember ever feeling differently and then because we can’t remember ever feeling differently, it seems there’s nowhere to go but forward into the reality that we created, starting inside our heads.

How easily and quickly we can change, for worse or for good, if we but choose.

You could have changed your entire future if you stopped your fantasising in the beginning before you really knew who you were fantasising about, before the sacrifice of that momentary pleasure became too painful. Instead, you took little steps that brought you to the point where you could have made an easy choice, or an excruciatingly difficult choice. You chose the easy choice: your own happiness over everyone else’s.

What you did was not bold. The very fact that so many women will silently relate to your story demonstrates how very unbold it was.

It would have been bold for you to step backwards, recognise that you could change your reality, and then set about changing it, though it would require more faith than you thought possible and numberless tears upon your pillow and your best friend’s shoulders.

According to your story here, you simply found a shinier toy and you wanted it. Maybe your old toy needed some oiling and polishing and it was easier to just buy a new one with your birthday money. Or maybe you’d set it aside so long that you forgot how to use it and you didn’t want to embarrass yourself by having to ask someone to show you how to use it again.

Unlike some other comments I’ve read offsite, this story doesn’t make me angry. I don’t despise you (woman I don’t know). I can very much understand your plight and I’m familiar with that sort of longing.

No, I feel sorry for you knowing that you have hurt yourself more than anyone else. You will be held accountable.

Not only that, but when your children are older, chances are that they will experience great heartaches that will be directly related to their family being torn apart, their loyalties being divided, their faith and security being destroyed. It’s almost impossible to endure such childhood trauma and not carry significant wounds that will last well into adulthood. Studies show that it is easier for children to cope from the loss of a parent than divorce. You admitted that it would take the rest of your lives to make it right to your children. It would take that long, and yet you would do it.

You give yourself points for only cheating and deceiving for 3 weeks. Had it been a hundred years it would be no worse. The dice were cast, the deception carried out, the hearts broken.

I’m not judging you, I am judging your actions according to the information you’ve given us. Some things are simply wrong. Your story is really no different from many. It’s simply universal truth that we reap what we sow and that we have the power to change our circumstances but we so often choose the path that seems easiest.

Imagine a world where we all chose our own happiness no matter the consequences to those we’ve vowed to love most, to those we’ve even created from our own flesh. Imagine such a world.

It’s people like me who are holding this world together. It hurts like hell but oh, the ecstasy after.

Natasha @ BecomingSomething November 17, 2009, 11:48 PM

best friend’s shoulders.

According to your story here, you simply found a shinier toy and you wanted it. Maybe your old toy needed some oiling and polishing and it was easier to just buy a new one with your birthday money. Or maybe you’d set it aside so long that you forgot how to use it and you didn’t want to embarrass yourself by having to ask someone to show you how to use it again.

I feel sorry for you knowing that you have hurt yourself more than anyone else. You will be held accountable.

Not only that, but when your children are older, chances are that they will experience great heartaches that will be directly related to their family being torn apart, their loyalties being divided, their faith and security being destroyed. It’s almost impossible to endure such childhood trauma and not carry significant wounds that will last well into adulthood. Studies show that it is easier for children to cope from the loss of a parent than divorce. You admitted that it would take the rest of your lives to make it right to your children. It would take that long, and yet you would do it.

You give yourself points for only cheating and deceiving for 3 weeks. Had it been a hundred years it would be no worse. The dice were cast, the deception carried out, the hearts broken.

Imagine a world where we all chose our own happiness no matter the consequences to those we’ve vowed to love most, to those we’ve even created from our own flesh. Imagine such a world.

It’s people like me who are holding this world together. It hurts like hell but oh, the ecstasy after.

Anna November 18, 2009, 12:58 AM

no i agree your not a husband stealer, but what you are is not much better

name witheld November 18, 2009, 1:22 PM

Yes, you are a husbands stealer. No, you are not the only guilty one, so is the husband you stole. Now, my guess is, if you were the wife of the husband that left with one of your friends you wouldn’t have any problem what so ever, calling her a “Husband stealer!” You just gotta love narcissitic people like yourself.

Chrissy November 18, 2009, 7:45 PM

As the saying goes - “if he does it with you, he’ll do it to you”.
Good luck with your “soulmate” and happily ever after. It would last.
He once had these feeling for his wife - all the giddiness and love …why else would he had married her?
BTW - your happiness should be built on other people’s pain.

tennmom November 18, 2009, 8:53 PM

I agree with the other posters that she and he should have divorced their spouses before ever laying hands and/or lips on one another and taken more time before letting their children know about their relationship.
That man kissed her while married to another woman, the mother of his children. She is cocky enough to think that she is just special, that he would never dare to do it again to another man’s wife? Yeah, right. A man willing to betray his wife is NO PRIZE, he is the gag gift behind curtain #3.
I am friends with a couple who cheated on their spouses together, divorced the first spouses, married each other. They are both so paranoid that the other will cheat, they can’t trust the other as far as they could throw them. Her child destests her, his children detest him.

Jenna November 19, 2009, 11:45 AM

Just remember - if they will cheat for you, they’ll cheat on you. I wonder what will happen with you and your “soulmate” when one of you gets you next “shock of electricity”? Hope you’re looking forward to your next divorce since that’s where you are both headed.

I also hope, for their sake, that your children aren’t under your custody.

Ms. K November 19, 2009, 11:51 AM

If this relationship works out, it will be nothing shorter than a miracle. What goes around comes back around 3 times and especially in these last and evil days. I hate it for you because as soon as you say I do, it will all blow up in your face and his. Nothing good can come to the both of you, I’m sorry but the bible don’t lie. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery is like in the top ten. Heaven and earth will pass away before God’s word fails. I will give it 6 months to a year because thats just how things work out………

MissCdee November 19, 2009, 2:43 PM

In the bible it says an adultress comes like a theif in the night. When you make a vow in front of God that you will be with someone for the rest of your like I guess you didn’t take that seriously. It also says that an adulterer will not go unpunished. So you will reap what you sow. I am not the one to judge you that position is Gods. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I feel that what goes around comes around. Have you thought about the example that you are showing your kids. Hey kids it is ok to get involved with a married man, all that matters is you are happy, forget about the promises you made with your current partner. Only think about yourself.

Anonymous November 21, 2009, 3:29 PM

I don’t know which is worse bitterness or delusion.

KM November 22, 2009, 8:42 AM


ASK YOUR KIDS?

Divorce forever changes “who they are” and no sugar coating makes any difference to them.

THEY WILL NEVER HAVE A NORMAL LIFE! EVER!!

O’h but mom is “happy”…2 cheaters never make it right!

Sherrie November 23, 2009, 7:08 AM

I’ve been “victim” of someone like you who justifies everything. My EX-husband left me and my 2 little girls and they were especially hurt that their daddy was living with someone else and her children (who were friends of theirs), when they could only see their daddy every other weekend (his choice, uncontested in the divorce). If he will do it with you, he will do it to you! Or, wait…if YOU will do it with HIM, YOU will do it to HIM!

Carla Williams November 24, 2009, 2:19 AM

I could not finish your story as it OUTRAGED me!!! You put yourself in the situation for him to want you and you wanted him YOU HELPED BREAK UP A MARRIAGE PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!!!!!!!! And you say you didn’t steal another woman’s husband!!!!!OH PLEASE!!!! Do you feel good about yourself??? Does he feel good about his self??? How are you going to feel when both of your children go through the same thing?? Because that is what the 2 of you have taught them!! It is okay to fool around on your spouses!!!!!!

Jewel November 24, 2009, 2:51 AM

So what part of your marriage vows are you going to leave out this time? Because you certainly didn’t honor them with your current husband. You promised to love and cherish your husband, you did neither. You promised until death do you part, you skimped on that one too. Just want part of the marriage vows did you honor. Or your new boyfriend his? What makes you think either of you will on this new marriage?

Everyone sees something yummy on the other side of the fence. Maturity is knowing that part of the allure is that it IS on the other side of the fence. Maturity is also knowing when to walk away and walk back towards the lawn that you promised to grow and nurture.

So, you’re selfish, a liar, and not someone who upolds their word. What part of this is right?

You’re so selfish that you’ll now have “your” kids so the existing kids will have to deal with that. Yes, you’ve damaged them. The HONORABLE thing would have been to divorce and THEN start dating. What you did is despicable and your kids will know about it and you’ll never have honor in their eyes.

Do I know what I’m talking about? YES! I’ve been married 26 years. Were they all perfect? No. Did I once or twice think about someone else? Yes. Did I WORK to make my marriage happy? YES!

I pity you and your children and when you come back her to tell us you’re on marriage #3 I’ll tell you the same thing as now. Get some counseling to find out why you’re so immature and selfish.

Jewel

catherine copeland November 24, 2009, 3:22 AM

Just curious. What if your husband had a brief affair with one of your friends. someone you had as a guest in your house. would that be OK?

I was on the receiving end of something like this. The big difference was that my husband would beat me because I had found the evidence, he called me crazy for accusing him, and testified in court that he was not having sex with his mistress while two sentences later said that we had to consider his child that she was carrying.

A lie is a lie and your relationship was founded on a lie. Then again I guess it’s human nature to excuse ourselves for the hurt we have done others.

Try not to hate his ex. She made this mistake of believing him when he pledged to love, honor, and cherish her, until death do us part. I’m not quite certain if you are expecting her to celebrate that the two of you have found happiness at the expense of her and her children.

Get real

Amber November 24, 2009, 4:05 AM

We all feel attraction for another person acting on it is a whole different level. It seems like the writer is saying, “I know it isn’t right but I deserved it.” This was your friend and your husband and then you expect them to get over the hurt the both of you induced. Good luck with the marriage because if your first one can break over something like this then how will the 2nd one do built on lies. “The Grass is always Greener” my friend. Yes, I agree why in the world does momlogic print stories like this, I person’s story and how they only cared about their happiness and who cares how anyone else feels including their children. This is not a very uplifting story and I find the writer to have a huge ego and no conscious.

Janet November 24, 2009, 4:08 AM

I just celebrated my 26th anniversary. We have been together since hight school, so althogether we have been together for 31 years. Marriage is something you have to work on, not something you just throw away because someone makes eyes at you. I have had lots of guys try to pick me up and my husband has had girls or women try to pick him up, but we never went for it. You just don’t throw a marriage away because of eyes or feelings, you don’t put your kids thru a divorce that is the worst thing you can do. The lady that wrote this story needs to grow up and so does the guy she is now married to. They both need to grow up and stop being so selfish and only thinking about themselves. The exes should have the kids because these people will leave them out. So sad for the kids.

Tony November 24, 2009, 4:29 AM

Its the man leaves its the WIFES fault. If the wife is good and exciting in bed having sex she will keep her man. BUT if shes boring she can plan on sooner or later her hubby will be else where getting great sex..
Its amazing how many women have no idea how to be a good lover. They think laying there and touching alittle is wonderful sex. Get with it.
Jewish women are the worst. There not even worth unziping my pants…
So ladies if your man leaves or so call cheats on you look in a mirror and you will see whos at fault.

Deb November 24, 2009, 4:38 AM

I have been there, but he was divorced first. It didn’t matter, I was still called a husband stealer by her family who always thought he would go back to her. Anyone who disagrees with you, apparently has never been there. You CANNOT steal a husband unless he wants to be stolen. That’s a fact. I wish you the best, we have been married for over 20 years and the kids are just fine.


Back to top >>
advertisement