twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Don't Call Me a Husband Stealer

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

Many of you will assume, before you even reach the end of this sentence, that I'm the villain. And you won't be alone. But you won't be right either.

Don't call me a husband stealer

Wife #2: I fell in love with another man. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

The simple part: we had to be together.

The complicated part: everything else.

We met at our children's school. Our kids were friends. Our families were friends, and yes, I was friends with his wife.

How did it happen? 

At first, we were just acquaintances. But there was a simmering electricity, a lingering look across the pre-K classroom. Every day, I found myself swiping on some extra lip gloss, just in case he'd be at school. When the year ended, I was filled with an unfamiliar ache because I knew I wouldn't see him. 

The next year, our children became closer, and so did our families. We started spending more time together, hanging out at each other's homes. There were some innocently delicious moments in those early days. Like the Christmas party, where, after one champagne too many, he grinned and said, "There are things about you, Caroline ..."

These moments became less innocent over time. One night, a group of us went to a neighborhood pub. We were the last two left. He kissed me. 

Of course, we had the typical "that was a mistake, it will never happen again" conversation the next day. We tried desperately to stick to it, but we were done for.

Here's the strange thing: we never had much of an affair. We snuck around for about three weeks. I'm not proud of that, but we get points for brevity. We just weren't affair material.

I'll never forget the morning it all broke open. I was shopping with my kids when I got a voicemail from him.

"I can't take it anymore. I'm 99% sure I'm going to tell her today. Now I'm turning off my phone so you can't try to convince me not to. I love you."

There was plenty of torture to follow for all of us. But in the end, we left our spouses for each other. We're getting married and raising our five children (my three and his two) as a family. Our ex-spouses hate us on a good day. 

We have only two priorities: our children and our relationship. Some of you are probably ranting about the "damage" we've done to our kids. There has been hurt. We don't deny it. But we'll spend the rest of our years making it right. Our children will have big, noisy, rich lives. And they'll grow up with parents so devoted to each other that they'd risk everything.

As for the exes, I wish they'd have revenge sex. Anything to ease the bitterness. We want them to be happy, but staying married to them would have only guaranteed unhappiness. 

So did I steal him? His ex and the hens she clucks around with accuse me of that. But I don't believe anyone can really steal another person. 

I think of it this way: if you were offered the chance to be truly happy, to live out your days with your soulmate, would you have the guts to jump? That's what we did. We held hands and jumped.



next: Message to Military Mom Fighting Deployment
157 comments so far | Post a comment now
melissa November 24, 2009, 4:39 AM

no, you aren’t a husband stealer because he was just as “guilty”. the way you both went about it wasn’t exactly top shelf material. but. divorce happens. people fall in love. and they get remarried. you both just did it in a different type of order.

Laurie November 24, 2009, 4:50 AM

Pfft…who exactly are you trying to convince with this tripe? Must be yourself, because none of us give a rat’s patoot about some anonymous post from you.

Print this out and when this man cheats on you with someone else he had major electricity with you will be able to say “she isn’t a husband stealer…it was fate…yada yada”

zMuffin November 24, 2009, 4:50 AM

Great article. Just because you get married and have kids doesn’t make you stop being human. Adults/parents/husbands/wives want happiness too. While it may not be right in societies eyes and through its open doors, it happens more than people care to admit, and its usually behind closed doors. They chose to own their happiness and they chose to accept the burden of their children’s pain.

It’s better to live in a household with two loving adults vs. the alternative. More than anything I think it taught their children that sometimes life isnt what you planned and sometimes you have to take risks. that’s life. that’s reality.

Caroline November 24, 2009, 4:53 AM

I appreciate you for sharing your story openly with so many people who are, of course, going to condemn you. That takes chutzpah.

HEYRIGHT November 24, 2009, 4:59 AM

HEY RIGHT……
YOU BOTH DESTROYED YOUR FAMILIES…AND FOR WHAT????
IN THE END HE’S NOT GOING TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER EITHER ONCE A CHEAT ALWAYS A CHEAT AND THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO…SOON YOU’LL BE PUTTING LIPSTICK ON FOR ANOTHER OF YOUR KIDS FRIENDS DADS..WHAT A JOKE YOU ARE.

LaLa Land November 24, 2009, 5:26 AM

As “one of those hens she clucks around with” I am disgusted with your behavior. One of my best friends is going through this now and the other woman doesn’t think she “stole” a husband either. The good news is, my friend is now free to find someone who loves her, and the other pair can go to bed every night knowing in their hearts that what they did was truly wrong.
I gleefully wait to hear your update about how it didn’t work out for you.

Kelli November 24, 2009, 5:32 AM

Wow. All I have to say is people like you and your electrifying boy toy are the reason why marriages are failing today. You made a commitment to forsake all others when you married your first husband. You do understand what forsake means right?

The institution of marriage is a joke these days and your new marriage will be exactly that. A joke! Good luck with that.

Maria November 24, 2009, 5:32 AM

After 3 weeks he “loves you”. What fantasy world are you living in. That’s called lust and I’m sure if you were thinking with your brain you would realize that.

Mary Ellen November 24, 2009, 5:54 AM

Someone close to me is going through a similar scenario so excuse me for getting a little upset at your brash, “I can do no wrong” attitude. Someone who is capable of doing this to someone else is extremely selfish and cowardly in my book. You fell in love with someone else’s husband because you were unhappy with your own. The adult thing to do here would have been to dissolve your own marriages (if need be) and then be together. Being with another woman’s husband in any capacity for any length of time is wrong on so many levels. But my judgement really doesn’t matter. Your judgement will come.

Rosanne  November 24, 2009, 6:02 AM

Enjoy your “rich” life until the next women smiles across the room at him. How can you base your happiness on many other people’s unhappiness? I’m not just alking abubt the ex spouses but your children and their children will feel this for years to come. I’m old enough to have seen this scenario too many times.

Anon November 24, 2009, 6:24 AM

You are selfish and he will do the same thing to you and when he does you will find out what its like.

Feel sorry for the kids November 24, 2009, 6:29 AM

I never understand how anybody could be so proud to have found love knowing that they have hurt so many people in the process and the people that stand behind and uplift these people. I am sure that the vows that you say on your wedding day felt wonderful knowing that your spouse had said the same things with some one else. I feel terribly sorry for the children and I know the pain that your spouses must feel, the betrayal that you both put out there is heartwrenching. I have been there and I could not imagine a so called “friend” doing this to me. You both deserve each other and you are not “good people”. You will reap what you sow and I am sure your children will eventually lose all respect for the both of you. Why MomLogic posted this article, I have no idea. Oh one last thing, not only are you a Husband Stealer, you are also a Children Stealer, you have stolen precious time their mother now has with HER children, not yours!!!! You have lessened time that that lady now gets to spend with her precious children. She will have to now either see her children Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, every other Birthday she misses out on, every other weekend she now misses seeing her children, all because two people decided to not live up to their vows. You have no idea the pain you have caused!!!!

UrbanRube November 24, 2009, 6:36 AM

>> And they’ll grow up with parents so devoted to each other that they’d risk everything.

Including the happiness and stability of their kids.

Married2SomeoneWhoWentThroughThisAsAChild November 24, 2009, 6:37 AM

I think it’s natural to sometimes be attracted to others whether you’re married or not. Whether you act on it or not is what shows the kind of person you are.

I met my husband in high school and have since very early on seen what an affair like this does to the children. That whole situation was so disgustingly selfish and my husband saw and heard so much that a child so young should not have heard. He’s got deep scars from his parents divorce and his father’s affair. You may not see it now but your children will eventually begin to ask deeper questions. Your children may end up hating the step father and his children may hate you. Blame will be passed all around but it all comes back to a very selfish decision and a lack of control on both your parts. I’m certainly not blaming you for being a husband stealer because he obviously didn’t care about his marriage that much and you could have been anyone.

Happy is something we choose to be. We can choose to be happy with whomever we want. But you made promises when you made your vows and in the end all you really have is your word.

Can you really trust the person you cheated with?

Joy November 24, 2009, 6:45 AM

I’m guessing by only skimming the first page of comments that you’ve already been condemned to hell by everyone who has an opinion. But I salute you. It’s not like you were the only one in this. So no, you’re not a husband thief. And I believe sometimes God has a bad sense of humor and as a human you just have to fix the problem. Otherwise why would God have given us the brains to figure out what we need and the overwhelming drive and strength to make things right? He made us like this so he must support it. So there’s your God reply. Now lets get down to the human part. It’s not selfish or wrong in anyway to desire the green on the other side of the fence. Its very natural, especially when it comes to human love and emotions. And sometimes you just have to take a chance. Is it human to never stick your neck out and give fate a taste? No, it’s not. So bravo for being human. And brave.

As for your kids. I’m sure they had a rough go at first but if things weren’t good in their first homes it wasn’t an easy life anyways. Kids pick up on things like that. Underlying emotions between mom and dad. I’ve watched my dad since I was small child be unhappy with my mother. I’ve asked him many times why he didn’t just divorce her and find happiness. In a way, giving him my blessing to move on. He always replied with an “I don’t know”. He comes from old school beliefs so I’m sure that’s the reason but for me, as the child in that marriage, I would have been uprooted and life would have been crazy for a while, but I would have been happier in the long run. No more uncomfortable silence and arguments. No more knowing and feeling pain in your heart for your parents because they aren’t happy. That’s not a good way to grow up either. You’ve given your kids an opportunity to see that it’s ok not to settle for less. Now you’re giving your kids the opportunity to see what they should strive for. A real, loving relationship where you will go to the ends of the earth for each other.

I was married previously. And then I got smart and found my current husband whom I also feel is my soulmate. While we didn’t meet while I was still married it was only 6 weeks after I left that I met him. He was right there under my nose the whole time. I just had to open my eyes. I was only married for 1-1/2 to my first before I realized that I had settled for the first one to come along, not MY number one. If it wasn’t for watching my parents be unhappy for so many years I would probably have had children with that man and would have stayed stuck for many, many years. Instead I met the right man the second time around and can tell in my heart of hearts that we are meant to be. I learned from my parents mistakes and so will your kids. Maybe they will do it right the first time for themselves. Or not. But at least they might recognize the signs early on like I did and not torture themselves in a loveless marriage for too long.

So I say BRAVO! It took MAJOR guts to do what you did. And even though there are the others out there that want to tell you how to live your life and how awful you are as a parent, you did what was right for you and your children. I believe that. They aren’t living in your shoes, you are, and you are the only one that will know what is the right thing to do.

Audrey November 24, 2009, 6:48 AM

Here is what I think. Life is too short to live it unhappy.

While your children may be hurting now, I firmly believe it’s better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one.

You already fell in love with someone else. Your marriage would have never been the same after that and you would have hurt your husband and kids anyways.

I say be happy.

anne November 24, 2009, 6:50 AM

It’s unpopular for sure, but I can’t help but think about others who may not have been married with children, but were in relationships and found their ‘soulmate’ and pursued them {Tim McGraw & Faith Hill anyone?}. The heart wants what the heart wants and we get caught up in the til death us do part. I find that was incredibly brave and while it may not work out, it may also turn out to be the greatest thing in your life. If your other relationships were meant to be, then this never would have happened. Good luck to you and your family.

christina November 24, 2009, 6:52 AM

I do see your point however, saying that his ex-wife was clucking around with her hens is wrong. You did destroy her life and that was a total low blow on your part.

Joy November 24, 2009, 6:53 AM

I’m guessing by only skimming the first page of comments that you’ve already been condemned to hell by everyone who has an opinion. But I salute you. It’s not like you were the only one in this. So no, you’re not a husband thief. And I believe sometimes God has a bad sense of humor and as a human you just have to fix the problem. Otherwise why would God have given us the brains to figure out what we need and the overwhelming drive and strength to make things right? He made us like this so he must support it. So there’s your God reply. Now lets get down to the human part. It’s not selfish or wrong in anyway to desire the green on the other side of the fence. Its very natural, especially when it comes to human love and emotions. And sometimes you just have to take a chance. Is it human to never stick your neck out and give fate a taste? No, it’s not. So bravo for being human. And brave.

As for your kids. I’m sure they had a rough go at first but if things weren’t good in their first homes it wasn’t an easy life anyways. Kids pick up on things like that. Underlying emotions between mom and dad. I’ve watched my dad since I was small child be unhappy with my mother. I’ve asked him many times why he didn’t just divorce her and find happiness. In a way, giving him my blessing to move on. He always replied with an “I don’t know”. He comes from old school beliefs so I’m sure that’s the reason but for me, as the child in that marriage, I would have been uprooted and life would have been crazy for a while, but I would have been happier in the long run. No more uncomfortable silence and arguments. No more knowing and feeling pain in your heart for your parents because they aren’t happy. That’s not a good way to grow up either. You’ve given your kids an opportunity to see that it’s ok not to settle for less. Now you’re giving your kids the opportunity to see what they should strive for. A real, loving relationship where you will go to the ends of the earth for each other.

I was married previously. And then I got smart and found my current husband whom I also feel is my soulmate. While we didn’t meet while I was still married it was only 6 weeks after I left that I met him. He was right there under my nose the whole time. I just had to open my eyes. I was only married for 1-1/2 to my first before I realized that I had settled for the first one to come along, not MY number one. If it wasn’t for watching my parents be unhappy for so many years I would probably have had children with that man and would have stayed stuck for many, many years. Instead I met the right man the second time around and can tell in my heart of hearts that we are meant to be. I learned from my parents mistakes and so will your kids. Maybe they will do it right the first time for themselves. Or not. But at least they might recognize the signs early on like I did and not torture themselves in a loveless marriage for too long.

So I say BRAVO! It took MAJOR guts to do what you did. And even though there are the others out there that want to tell you how to live your life and how awful you are as a parent, you did what was right for you and your children. I believe that. They aren’t living in your shoes, you are, and you are the only one that will know what is the right thing to do.

Bobbie Jo November 24, 2009, 6:56 AM

I give you both alot of credit!I dont buy into the whole ” It will ruin the kids” bit. I think living a lie, living unhappily will ruin the kids. Living in a home watching two people adore and love each other is the most healing important lesson you can teach them. We only have one life to live, I say live it to its happiest. Someday the EX’s will thank you, when they too meet the right person!


Leave a reply:



(not displayed)

     




Avoid clicking "Post" more than once
Back to top >>
advertisement