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Don't Call Me a Husband Stealer

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Many of you will assume, before you even reach the end of this sentence, that I'm the villain. And you won't be alone. But you won't be right either.

Don't call me a husband stealer

Wife #2: I fell in love with another man. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

The simple part: we had to be together.

The complicated part: everything else.

We met at our children's school. Our kids were friends. Our families were friends, and yes, I was friends with his wife.

How did it happen? 

At first, we were just acquaintances. But there was a simmering electricity, a lingering look across the pre-K classroom. Every day, I found myself swiping on some extra lip gloss, just in case he'd be at school. When the year ended, I was filled with an unfamiliar ache because I knew I wouldn't see him. 

The next year, our children became closer, and so did our families. We started spending more time together, hanging out at each other's homes. There were some innocently delicious moments in those early days. Like the Christmas party, where, after one champagne too many, he grinned and said, "There are things about you, Caroline ..."

These moments became less innocent over time. One night, a group of us went to a neighborhood pub. We were the last two left. He kissed me. 

Of course, we had the typical "that was a mistake, it will never happen again" conversation the next day. We tried desperately to stick to it, but we were done for.

Here's the strange thing: we never had much of an affair. We snuck around for about three weeks. I'm not proud of that, but we get points for brevity. We just weren't affair material.

I'll never forget the morning it all broke open. I was shopping with my kids when I got a voicemail from him.

"I can't take it anymore. I'm 99% sure I'm going to tell her today. Now I'm turning off my phone so you can't try to convince me not to. I love you."

There was plenty of torture to follow for all of us. But in the end, we left our spouses for each other. We're getting married and raising our five children (my three and his two) as a family. Our ex-spouses hate us on a good day. 

We have only two priorities: our children and our relationship. Some of you are probably ranting about the "damage" we've done to our kids. There has been hurt. We don't deny it. But we'll spend the rest of our years making it right. Our children will have big, noisy, rich lives. And they'll grow up with parents so devoted to each other that they'd risk everything.

As for the exes, I wish they'd have revenge sex. Anything to ease the bitterness. We want them to be happy, but staying married to them would have only guaranteed unhappiness. 

So did I steal him? His ex and the hens she clucks around with accuse me of that. But I don't believe anyone can really steal another person. 

I think of it this way: if you were offered the chance to be truly happy, to live out your days with your soulmate, would you have the guts to jump? That's what we did. We held hands and jumped.

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157 comments so far | Post a comment now
Joy November 24, 2009, 6:56 AM

Oops. My comment got chopped up. Here is the rest…
And then I got smart and found my current husband whom I also feel is my soulmate. While we didn’t meet while I was still married it was only 6 weeks after I left that I met him. He was right there under my nose the whole time. I just had to open my eyes. I was only married for 1-1/2 to my first before I realized that I had settled for the first one to come along, not MY number one. If it wasn’t for watching my parents be unhappy for so many years I would probably have had children with that man and would have stayed stuck for many, many years. Instead I met the right man the second time around and can tell in my heart of hearts that we are meant to be. I learned from my parents mistakes and so will your kids. Maybe they will do it right the first time for themselves. Or not. But at least they might recognize the signs early on like I did and not torture themselves in a loveless marriage for too long. So I say BRAVO! It took MAJOR guts to do what you did. And even though there are the others out there that want to tell you how to live your life and how awful you are as a parent, you did what was right for you and your children. I believe that. They aren’t living in your shoes, you are, and you are the only one that will know what is the right thing to do.

Christel November 24, 2009, 6:56 AM

My ex-husband cheated and just walked away over 2 1/2 years ago. Don’t fool yourself by thinking that your love is enough for your children. They’ve been hurt, regardless of whether you think so or not. My advise for your ex spouses would be to love their children more than ever, and don’t let 2 lousy human beings steal your God-given joy! You, and your new spouse, are selfish, horrible people and you will reap what you’ve sown. As adults, you have the ability and the responsibility to act as such. I have no sympathy for you. I won’t call you what you deserve to be called, but you KNEW he was married (and he likewise) and you PROUDLY admit it like it’s a victory you’ve won! It’s sick! May God (and your ex-spouses) forgive you, though you don’t really deserve it.

Joy November 24, 2009, 7:08 AM

One more thing BTW, here is MY personal opinion on all the comments/darts that are being thrown at you. Have you noticed yet that most of the worst, most bitter comments are from those who start out their thoughts with… “my husband did this…” “or I was left…” ? Please find it in your heart to forgive those that can’t see outside of their own locked hearts to see that it’s possible to choose to be happy and not just settle for the hand that is dealt you. There is so much obvious personal bitterness floating around in most of these comments that I wanted to say that please ignore them all and keep listening to your heart. I’m sure most of the worst commenters are seeing you as the devil in their own bad relationships. They are obviously still hurting inside and lashing out at you. Please don’t become the victim to their bitter black hate. You shared your soul for us and they are trying to rip it up to make themselves feel better.

Laura November 24, 2009, 7:10 AM

I’m disappointed that Momlogic would think a subscriber would be interested in this story of selfishness and lack of parental concern.

V November 24, 2009, 7:11 AM

Discussing whether or not you are a husband stealer misses the true point. Whether he went willingly or not you and your “soulmate” destroyed 2 families and your childrens worlds all for the sake your precious happiness. What happened to making choices based on what is right versus what makes us happy? Way to make this all about you!

Jillian November 24, 2009, 7:14 AM

I too, am a husband “stealer.” I had been divorced 17 years when I met him. It was his birthday, and I gave him a birthday kiss. His “wife” hadn’t kissed him for years. His “wife” never supported him in anything. She spent her days reading catalogs, eating cookies, and collecting hudreds of cats while HE worked, golfed, went to sports events, and even took her friends with him so he’d have someone to events. She canceled at the last minute at social events, even when they were at his home. It was no surprise to anyone when he left her for me.

Their divorce is pending. He lives with me now. We are a happy couple with many friends, and we golf, play poker, go to sporting events, and he loves my cooking and family. It’s not ideal, but it works for us. I didn’t “steal” him. She gave him away! He wore a sign “Free for the taking.” Watch out ladies. Take care of your man and learn to like his interests if you want to keep him!

LIsa @ Finalscoreboys3girls2 November 24, 2009, 7:16 AM

Absolutely disgusting. Try getting divorced first and then do what you want. Great lesson you taught your kids, and he his. I seriously hope you two our raising your family of 5 kids on the every other weekend basis….

Revenge sex??? that’s your level of thinking??? Wow. I hope you set enough of your “Rich Lives” aside for all the therapy you need and your kids.

“life is to damn short to be miserable” - it sure is, but do it the right way. How miserable are those kids??? and when they are older and know all of the story….. Wow

Wife#2 parenting= fail.

Momlogic- you promote this crap… bubuy.

Logical Citizen November 24, 2009, 7:19 AM

After reading your story & all of the comments it provoked…wow! To everyone involved & those commenting - I invite you to consider something. A couple married for 15 years, 2 kids, lovely home, good income, seems great, huh? Well, he’s been verbally, emotionally and then physically abusive for years. What advice is she getting - divorce will damage your kids for the rest of their lives” - Since my kids welfare come before my own, I make the best of things. We go to counseling, I think we’ve kept it hidden from the kids - they are so young. I don’t scream…Finally, he starts on the kids, first emotionally & verbally - I don’t let it go any farther, I leave - period. No money, no food - just get out. Why am I giving you this story? Well, fast forward 15 years. The kids are now grown…what caused them the most pain & harm? Bitterness! Whether it’s from staying in a loveless marriage or staying bitter because it ended in divorce - it’s the bitterness, the hurt, the hatred - that’s what harms kids! Blaming one side or the other doesn’t fix anything. Acknowledging that sometimes things go crazy; apologizing for any hurt either party caused; then forgiving ourself,then the others involved and moving on to joy is possible and is necessary. Teach kids - by example- that we all make mistakes, big ones. Tough, really tough, times happen to all of us. It’s not what happens to us, it’s how we choose to respond that counts. Show them that in life no matter what happens, each of us can get back up, brush the dust from our britches, take responsibilty for our actions (right or wrong), and choose to find and spread happiness. That is my advice to the author and the other 3 adults invovled. Sounds like there is enough bitterness to go around - it doesn’t matter if it is justifiable or not. The same advice goes to those that were jilted and those that did the jilting. It’s the bitterness of all involved that will leave scars - choose love, forgiveness & joy. Be open and honest with yourselves and the kids (as age appropriateness allows) It isn’t easy, but forgiveness, love & time will heal all wounds. Good luck!

Super Mom November 24, 2009, 7:23 AM

I really want to know if marriage is a joke to some people. I think it’s time to be responsible enough to not get married if you feel that person is not your soulmate. You took the time to promise this man and God that you will love him forever no matter what. Rich, Poor, Sickness, Health until Death. Why? Why put someone through the pain of a life full of lies if your just going to bounce around from man to man. Next female i see getting all glossy lipped and my husband is in the room; i’m letting her have it!

Kristie Burns November 24, 2009, 7:40 AM

I’d like to hear this story in 5 years. It always seems so lovely in the beginning. But all marriages have challenges and one day you will find yourself in the same situation with him as you were with your ex…and you may even catch the eye of someone else. It is natural. It happens. The point is to move beyond those moments and keep what is real, work on relationships and realize you can cultivate friendships with people and they don’t have to involve intimacy beyond a hug.

Ciera November 24, 2009, 7:56 AM

The fact of the world is people cheat, it’s not right, but it happens. Think about it ladies, maybe your husbands are cheating on you and you don’t even know it or maybe you are bitter because you aren’t happy with your own life choices, yet you stay for the happiness of the children. Guess what, if you aren’t happy, your kids will know it and it affects them. I grew up with both my parents until I was 15 and when they finally got divorced, I was relieved. I had a good life, my parents loved me, I couldn’t have asked for anything better, but my dad treated my mom like crap and although I didn’t see it often, I witnessed it on a couple occasions. If you are actually happy it makes things easier on the kids, how you got to happiness doesn’t matter, the kids will accept it eventually. Another case scenario, you can try to put on a happy face for your kids and then they don’t even speak to you when they grow up. Your kids can’t be sheltered from reality forever, do you people not realize how many marriages end in divorce, do you curse everyone who can’t make it work?? I don’t cheat, if I have feelings for someone else, I will break off my relationship before something happens and that pretty much sounds like what they did other than flirting and kissing. Some people live double lives for years, I’ve seen it plenty of times in my short life and what happened here does not compare to that..I’m sure the exes would rather have it this way then to have caught them having sex and realize it had been going on for 5 years or something. Come on people look how effed up this world is! This isn’t that big of a deal, come out of your bubble and face reality. There are a lot more damaging things you can do to your children.

Amanda November 24, 2009, 8:02 AM

This absolutely disgusts me, as well as some of the comments displayed. I understand that the story is different according to what each person is going through, like abuse, etc. But this woman did not say she came from a home with an abusive spouse. They just decided to act on their feel good emotions. I am sure when she married her first husband she felt the same way about him. Yes, some time and a few kids later can make the excitement die down, but that’s when agape love is most important- when you love someone no matter what. And it’s also important to take the time to focus on your marriage and your spouse so that temptation from anyone else can be avoided. Its obvious that the other guy was giving her attention and compliments that she craved. But as a wife if she wasn’t getting them from her husband it was her duty to talk with her husband to let him know she needed a little more attention. Not just leaving him clueless until you break the news to him that you found someone else. Communication is key, people!

Cher November 24, 2009, 8:06 AM

Wow, honesty! How refreshing! Let people judge as they will…..many of those people are stuck in loveless marriages and working it out for the kids, which does more damage than they can fathom. Good luck to you!

Liza November 24, 2009, 8:09 AM

You’re a joke and are obviously trying to convince yourself that what you said is true. My dad started dating another woman 2 weeks after my mom died, it’s 6 years later and I’m still dealing with the fact that my dad chose her over us… I love my dad but will always have a deep pain that won’t ever heal. You just did the same to your kids, and you also just showed them that cheating is O.K.

Yan November 24, 2009, 8:17 AM

You are an adult and decide what to do with your life….My mother left my father (with 5 children) for another man and it lasted less than 5 years. BUT my father left his first wife (with 3 children) for my mom. So I guess it’s karma, fell out of love you name it. And yes the children gets hurt, you have no idea how many lies I said to my friends at school to explain why my mom was not home anymore (I was 9 yo). Now as an adult I can understand that is hard to live with a person you don’t love but my children comes first and would not risk their own well being just to follow my “soulmate”.

Been there November 24, 2009, 9:03 AM

You are Scum!

Christine November 24, 2009, 9:04 AM

Holy God in heaven you guys. Do you think you could be anymore harsh? First off my husband had a first marriage. His first wife left him three times for other men but came back. After going through 8 accusations of domestic abuse (which were thrown out btw.) and being left so many times he put his foot down when she left for the last time. Nothing he could do could make the marriage better no matter how much he changed. The kids were miserable because of the marriage. He met me during his divorce. I was told I was the reason why the marriage broke up and that I was against God. If you saw the families now….we are much happier because of the divorce. I never thought I would marry someone who was previously married. Sometimes life doesn’t fit a cookie cutter. Sometimes staying together is what is best for the kids. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you judge.

Me November 24, 2009, 9:05 AM

You both are home wreckers that’s what you are!

Deb November 24, 2009, 9:05 AM

It makes for a good story. I think my Ex Husband’s wife would have written that herself. The sad part is, he now left her for yet another “love” and the kids involved (both ours and hers) are all suffering. You were selfish. He was selfish. When does morality and decency come into the picture? Karma has a way, believe me, and my ex is feeling it now. His kids, don’t have much to do with him. Maybe if he would have divorced me first, spent some time being on his own, then introducing the kids to the new woman, later so they didn’t think he left all of us for her. But he didn’t and he no longer has any of what he had before. Once a cheat, always a cheat. 99.9% of the time.

c.g. November 24, 2009, 9:11 AM

both of you exercised free will. you know he was married whether he came to you or not- you are a husband stealer plain and simple.

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