twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Don't Call Me a Husband Stealer

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

Many of you will assume, before you even reach the end of this sentence, that I'm the villain. And you won't be alone. But you won't be right either.

Don't call me a husband stealer

Wife #2: I fell in love with another man. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

The simple part: we had to be together.

The complicated part: everything else.

We met at our children's school. Our kids were friends. Our families were friends, and yes, I was friends with his wife.

How did it happen? 

At first, we were just acquaintances. But there was a simmering electricity, a lingering look across the pre-K classroom. Every day, I found myself swiping on some extra lip gloss, just in case he'd be at school. When the year ended, I was filled with an unfamiliar ache because I knew I wouldn't see him. 

The next year, our children became closer, and so did our families. We started spending more time together, hanging out at each other's homes. There were some innocently delicious moments in those early days. Like the Christmas party, where, after one champagne too many, he grinned and said, "There are things about you, Caroline ..."

These moments became less innocent over time. One night, a group of us went to a neighborhood pub. We were the last two left. He kissed me. 

Of course, we had the typical "that was a mistake, it will never happen again" conversation the next day. We tried desperately to stick to it, but we were done for.

Here's the strange thing: we never had much of an affair. We snuck around for about three weeks. I'm not proud of that, but we get points for brevity. We just weren't affair material.

I'll never forget the morning it all broke open. I was shopping with my kids when I got a voicemail from him.

"I can't take it anymore. I'm 99% sure I'm going to tell her today. Now I'm turning off my phone so you can't try to convince me not to. I love you."

There was plenty of torture to follow for all of us. But in the end, we left our spouses for each other. We're getting married and raising our five children (my three and his two) as a family. Our ex-spouses hate us on a good day. 

We have only two priorities: our children and our relationship. Some of you are probably ranting about the "damage" we've done to our kids. There has been hurt. We don't deny it. But we'll spend the rest of our years making it right. Our children will have big, noisy, rich lives. And they'll grow up with parents so devoted to each other that they'd risk everything.

As for the exes, I wish they'd have revenge sex. Anything to ease the bitterness. We want them to be happy, but staying married to them would have only guaranteed unhappiness. 

So did I steal him? His ex and the hens she clucks around with accuse me of that. But I don't believe anyone can really steal another person. 

I think of it this way: if you were offered the chance to be truly happy, to live out your days with your soulmate, would you have the guts to jump? That's what we did. We held hands and jumped.

next: Message to Military Mom Fighting Deployment
157 comments so far | Post a comment now
Divorcee November 24, 2009, 9:33 AM

I had mixed feelings about this story. They should have ended their first marriages before cheating. I don’t think kids or anything can make two people that don’t want to be together be happy. All around, I think most people are too selfish to do the right thing when it comes to marriage. It’s a never-ending commitment & must be maintained by both parties.

brownie3 November 24, 2009, 9:52 AM

Really…..easy for you to say. Spend a day in the ex-wifes shoes. Sounds like you can justify just about anything. Good Luck to you when your husband says
to another woman “”There are things about you, …”

Mary November 24, 2009, 9:53 AM

Let me say only this; it is NOT fun for any side of the family. But let’s not throw “stones” at this woman. There are ALWAYS a LOT of regrets / remorse on both sides. Yes, she sounds “proud” and should not have written about the affair. Rest assured, she is thinking about what transpired, otherwise she would not have written this story. So sad … . I, myself, would NEVER boast about such an affair.

TexAngel November 24, 2009, 10:52 AM

i wonder whether this is not a totally bogus post to stir up controversy and blog hits. Irrespective of that …

i think that this what really amazes so many people about this post: the unmitigated self-centeredness illustrated by every word. Everything is about YOU and YOUR NEW HUSBAND’S feelings not about your families’ needs.

You are correct: you not a husband stealer but you DID betray the trust your own (first) husband placed in you. You DID betray the trust that your friend placed in you. And you DID betray the trust that your children placed in you. You HAVE stolen precious time that children spend with their parents by choosing your desires over others needs. And it can never be restored. You have wronged all of them. You betrayed their trust and to expect other to “just get over it” is unrealistic, callous, and uncaring.

You HAVE severely shaken the foundations of these children’s lives. They WILL find it even more difficult than other children to trust and to maintain their relationships to their spouses.

The truth is, marriage takes WORK! (I have been married 29 years. Any accusation of “bitterness” does not apply.) It is not a fairy tale! I have had good years and not-so-good years with my husband; but we never gave ourselves an “out”; so we had the choice of making it better or being miserable for the rest of our lives: we chose to WORK at it. In giving oneself the “out” of divorce it makes it very likely that when push comes to shove, it will be the first option considered because it is the easiest and most attractive option.

I have felt the “sizzle” of attraction and have always chosen RUN in the other direction for the very reason that it would lead to broken vows. Vows are not something to be given lightly; they are eternally binding promises. The fact that we are human does not change this fact.

In the best outcome, marriage should last a lifetime through hard work on both parts. But if it does not, and you choose NOT to honor the vows that you have freely made, the honorable thing to do is to break off one relationship PRIOR to embarking on another.

The truth is, you chose to do the wrong thing because it pleased you to do so, and all the rationalizing in the world will not make it right. But that does not mean that you should be reviled or that you cannot be forgiven. WE ALL make mistakes and fall short of ideal. The important thing is to recognize one’s mistakes, faults, and wrong-doing, and decide that they will not be repeated. I wish you and all your families the best and hope that the future will not repeat itself.

Anonymous November 24, 2009, 11:03 AM

rationalizing in the world will not make it right. But that does not mean that you are to be reviled or that you cannot be forgiven. We all make mistakes and fall short of ideal. The important thing is to be willing to look at yourself and your faults and decide that it will not happen again. I wish the best for you and your families and i hope that history will not repeat itself. God Bless.

Karen November 24, 2009, 11:08 AM

Personally, I don’t know how you can justify what you and your new husband did as all fine and dandy. You destroyed two other people’s lives of who you both supposedly loved; and your children, I can’t even image what they must be thinking. Hey, but as long as you two are happy that’s all that matters isn’t it?

irma November 24, 2009, 11:23 AM

You can say wathever you have to say so can be able to sleep at night!
lie to yourself!!
yes you did wrong right from the beginning,flirting around whit another dad, putting on the lip gloss and looking around for him, and you know it! you knew he was married, you hipocrite you even got close to his wife just so you can be close to him.

And you still have the guts to call your self innocent.

lest just see wen the next ladie that fix up for him, and flirts whit him and suddenly he goes whit another women lets see if you wont call her a husband stealer wen someone else takes him from you!.
he is discusting! cant belive he dint respect his wife!

whit time youll both see!

Kaitie November 24, 2009, 11:53 AM

Sounds like you two deserve each other. If you can live happily knowing you’ve destroyed the lives of other people, then go for it. You feel you are justified in your actions AND in slamming the spouses you left behind (the line about revenge sex—clucking hens?) Wow. You may be raising kids, but you’re not a family.

Amanda November 24, 2009, 12:04 PM

it amazes me that you say live out your life with your soulmate cause you see isn’t that what you did when you married your first husband?? thought it was your soul mate right???funny. and you both had a choice to do whats right but you chose whats wrong and then tried to justify it or make it seem right, its kind of pathetic. No matter how much the two of you now claim to love one another know that the choice you made was wrong and will always be. And to say it wasn’t an affair you know you feel guilty to even try to say that. I don’t wish any unhappiness your way but i do feel like when we do wrong we need to not live in denial.

Annie November 24, 2009, 12:09 PM

I do think its such a sad thing to do.How would you like it,if it was done to you.They do it with you they do it to you.No trust in the relationship.

Bobbie  November 24, 2009, 12:57 PM

If he’s really your soulmate then why did you have to sneak around and have sex behind your ex’s backs? You should have openly split from you ex’s first then joined each other in your “righteous bliss”.

You just showed all 5 of your kids how it is to behave as adults so be prepared to watch them do it too.

vix November 24, 2009, 2:11 PM

You were married and he was married, you shouldn’t even look at someone in that sense when you are in a committed relationship. Whine gripe and cry all you want to you are a husband ‘stealer’ in that sense. NO you can not ‘steal’ a person from another, and by her gossiping that to everyone shows her maturity—-but obviously your maturity isn’t any better. You guys entered into a relationship while you were already in relationships——once cheaters always cheaters. When this hot early new relationship shine wears off one or both of you will find new people to ‘fall in love’ with. Grow up and play your violin for someone else.

whatever November 24, 2009, 3:18 PM

Im in the sanme kind of situation and what people dont understand is THAT You really didnt tried to break up a home, and as far as the kids go they do move on, and beside no one know your situation at home nor his, So to the people that talking about Karma I think alot of them or just scare it will happen to them, and people do meet the love of thier life and go on to happy

Kristina November 24, 2009, 4:16 PM

No, you can’t “steal” someone who doesn’t want to be “stolen” But if you think this is the beginning to your happy ending you could be sadly mistaken. What makes either of you think that say someone more interesting sparks his interest or yours for that matter and that what you’ve two just done won’t do it again? I know …you’re in love yadda yadda but think about it …you supposedly loved the ones you were married to at one point right? Anyway …I don’ think this is your wonderful happy ending and yes Im gonna say it ….Women just shouldn’t do this to one another. We can’t control what men do but we can control what we do and can’t we say look you’re involved …you solve your issues at home and if Im still available then we’ll talk …just a thought.

Anonymous November 24, 2009, 6:14 PM

Ok every man or woman has the right to be with twho they want. but i believe if the man is taken and coming on to you to let him know that you dont want to interfere in his marriage and tell him to get ahold of you when the divorce is final.

dn6511 November 24, 2009, 7:20 PM

You try and justify your actions in your first sentence. You can’t convince others, have fun trying to convince yourself. How convenient to jump from your current relationship to this new one. What do you do when the next one comes along?? Assume it will never happen. I will bet you would have assumed that this one would never have happened either.
I love those who say that cheating and lying is wrong, unless of course it is you who is doing the cheating and lying.
Be a grown up. Own up to your responsibilities.
One question: Why do you think that you two will be more devoted to each other than with your exes?

Anonymous November 24, 2009, 7:45 PM

I think this is pretty pathetic that you both think you will stay loyal to each other! Once a cheater always a cheater its a sick cycle that never ends! It’s only interesting now because it’s a sinful challenge but once the divorces are finalized and you remarry it will no longer be a challenge so you both will get tired of each other as you did your other spouses and will eventually start looking for the next victims or the next sinful pleasure!! It’s just sad that there are children involved because ultimately they are the ones who will reap the consequences of your actions! Selfish doesn’t even describe it! May God have mercy on you all!

Laura November 24, 2009, 8:05 PM

I have a huge problem with your complaints regarding the exes and how bitter they are and that they should just have revenge sex. Wow. Sanctimonious much? You and your husband tore apart marriages to be with each other and you have the NERVE to poopoo the feelings of the hur spouses? Calling them bitter? You want us to think that aren’t a villian? If you were a nice person, you would have at least shown some remorse for hurting the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, and also hurting someone you claimed was your friend. You are a heartless, selfish person and I think you and your new husband truly deserve each other.

Marsi November 24, 2009, 8:09 PM

I don’t judge you because I can’t ever say for sure that I will never be in your shoes. That said, it does feel like your article is a plea for validation or even absolution for your actions. You think that if your exes have “revenge sex” that it will make everything better, but it won’t. Most nights you probably go home to your new Brady Bunch lifestyle and they go home to empty houses. Doesn’t seem fair. They didn’t ask for this and probably didn’t see it coming (as your article doesn’t indicate that either of you were in unhappy marriages). If you are seeking atonement, this isn’t the forum. You’ll need to find it within yourself or with a higher power. In the meantime, watch out for the grenades. Can’t say for sure if they’re not warranted.

Alicia November 24, 2009, 8:40 PM

You did not steal her husband, you dishonored you wedding vows. Neither of you respect marriage and should probably not marry as it is clear you don’t know value the union. You call it love I call it lust. I bet you don’t have woman friends over, nor does he like for other guys to hang around. You two will never be able to trust each other because you will always remember how you met and ended up together.

Back to top >>