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Halloween Fallout: The Candy Carnage

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It started with a miniature Mr. Goodbar on Halloween night.

woman with choccolate on her face

Jennifer Ginsberg: I mean, Mr. Goodbar is a nostalgic candy -- it reminds me of my childhood (circa 1983), walking down to 7-11 with my brother Jeff on warm summer nights. How could I resist perfectly roasted peanuts in creamy Hershey's milk chocolate?

Then I moved on to the cute little Krackel in the shiny red wrapper. How many calories can a few of those tiny bars have, right?

Then I tore through the Fun Size Kit Kats, Sour Apple Nerds, and Lemonheads. I love, love, love Lemonheads. Oh yes ... how could I forget about the Hershey's Special Dark, Almond Joy, 3 Musketeers, and Milky Way bars I inhaled in under 30 seconds flat?

No, I am not a stoner (anymore) -- though if I was, at least I would have a good excuse. I am an out-of-control mommy who has ransacked my 4-year-old son's trick-or-treat bag.

After Halloween night, I allow him to have one candy a day, because I want him to be disciplined and learn self-control. I also don't want him to eat tons of refined sugar and rot his teeth out. OK ... enough sanctimonious bullsh*t. I enforce this rule so there is MORE FOR ME!

This is a blatant case of "Do as I say, not as I do," because after he begrudgingly selects his one meager treat, I sneak off to my room, hide in a corner, tear through the bag, and furiously rip open the wrappers with my teeth like a wild animal. I pray that no one walks in on the sugar orgy I am indulging in.

This. Has. Got. To. Stop.

As I write this, I am trying to ignore the pile of wrappers beside me. Reese's F*cking Peanut Butter Cups. Peanut butter is the other man in my life. And who the hell am I to deny that chocolate and peanut butter are two great tastes that taste great together? I will not admit how many I've devoured today because then I would have to face the fact that in the span of five minutes, I consumed my recommended daily allowance of fat grams for the month.

Why is it that the rest of the year I am barely tempted when I walk down the candy aisle, but come Halloween, those Fun Size candies seduce me to the point of reckless abandon? How can I be such a hypocrite by allowing my son only one candy per day while I am consuming my body weight in fat and sugar?

The good news -- there are only a few desperate Now and Laters and Tootsie Rolls left.
Even I, an official Candy Whore, have standards. And I am not yet desperate enough to resort to Tootsie Rolls.

I am seriously considering a Master Cleanse, starting tomorrow! But for now, I could have sworn there was a Mounds bar in the bottom of that bag!

next: Wall Street Gets Swine Flu Vaccine Before Kids
3 comments so far | Post a comment now
Kelly November 5, 2009, 4:11 PM

I laughed the entire time I was reading this post! Thanks for beightening my day!

Heather November 5, 2009, 7:13 PM

I remember those Halloweens of yore, too. We all ate plenty of Three Musketeers (you forgot to mention those!) Reese’s peanut butter cups, etc. Personally, I say replace the treats in Shane’s pumpkin and let him have some more! A little sugar won’t hurt any more than a little peanut butter will. Thanks for the fun piece.

Ming Woo November 5, 2009, 7:15 PM

Very funny stuff…anyone that has kids can relate to this. They say Halloween is for the kids - not true. It’s for the parents who can’t wait to eat all the candy they kids get. That’s our reward for trick or treating with our children. Love this article!

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