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I Had No Choice But to Have an Affair

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OK -- so I touched a nerve!

woman tearing wedding picture

Wife #2: It's hard to resist the urge to respond to the dozens of comments posted about my story "Don't Call Me a Husband Stealer." I can't possibly address all of the nasty things said (some of them were quite creative by the way) so I'm just going to talk about a common theme: selfishness.

A lot of you accused me of being horribly, disgustingly selfish. And I was selfish. But I had no choice.

Let's look at what would have happened had I stayed in my marriage:

I would have been miserable, dying a bit each day because I had walked away from the man I was meant to be with. My husband would have looked at me each day, knowing I was only there to preserve the illusion of stability for our children. And our children would have grown up with a loveless, angry marriage as a relationship role model.

If I told you what my marriage was like for the last several years before I left, you'd probably cut me some slack. I lived with a bully who made sport of disparaging me in front of others. But that's as much as I'll say because it's still not his fault. How good or bad my marriage was is almost irrelevant. I met my soulmate. Even if my marriage had been better, I would have left it for him.

As for the exes, who in their right mind would want to stay married to someone who no longer loved them? That's what both of our spouses would have lived with and that's no life.

Some of you think we should have stayed for the children, at all costs. What would we teach our kids by doing that? Living a lie is acceptable. Love is not paramount. Follow convention like sheep -- because guess what kids -- that's what you're supposed to do!

Life is not made up of black and white decisions. What you seem to be saying is staying in lousy marriages makes us perfect parents, leaving those marriages makes us ax murderers. Our children know we love them. And they'll learn that we did our best as parents, but we're flawed like the rest of the human race.

I'll tell you this: if my child came to me as an adult in a situation similar to ours, I wouldn't judge. I'd support her decision to be true to herself. I certainly wouldn't tell her to suck it up and be miserable. I wouldn't want her to be flip or frivolous. But I'd be sure she heard this loud and clear: Choose happiness.

To those of who you charged me with middle school behavior -- running off with the first boy who talked to me in the lunch line -- grow up. That may be your experience, but it's not mine. I've had more opportunities over the years than I can count -- with rich men, powerful men, beautiful men. None of it tempted me for a moment, even in a cratering marriage. This wasn't some cute guy in Bennigan's tapping me on the shoulder and sending me into orbit. This was the love of my life.

I don't expect forgiveness or even understanding. But what I'm stunned at in the community I live in and in this digital community is the intolerance. Divorce may never be a popular choice, but it's still my choice to make.

And here's the last thing I'll say. I think a lot of you are just scared. Scared it will happen to you and scared it won't. Scared that if once-in-a-lifetime knocks at the door, you won't be brave enough to answer.

next: Who's Your Birth Daddy? Charles Manson!
98 comments so far | Post a comment now
anon December 19, 2009, 11:13 AM

Oh…and you’d better be sure to make that new man happy AT ALL TIMES if you feel that he could justify hopping into bed with someone else if he’s unhappy!

anonymous December 21, 2009, 1:55 AM

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok ok so i kind of understand where you’re comin from lady but i mean come on if you feel as though that guy was your soulmate why didn’t you just wait for a divorce first? yea it’s pointless to stay in an unhappy marriage and yea it’s not good to be that way in front of your kids but neither is cheating you odd odd woman. if you didn’t want to be judged there are three possible ways to fix that. A instead of saying i had no choice why not say ” it was my choice to make. it may not have been right but it was my own decision” which leads me to B own up to your actions. yes you cheated no it is never right and or logical and now you have dealt with the consequences and you understand why everyone reacted the way you did. which again leads me to C if you do not wish for people to judge and or criticize you maybe you shouldn’t have written the silly blog in the first place. maybe we should all grow up and leave the woman alone? and maybe in the future you shouldn’t write about something that may be taken out of context in the not too distant future? it’s a win win situation if we do that. she doesn’t get criticized and we don’t have to deal with stupidity any longer.

kathy December 22, 2009, 7:54 AM

You people who are judging have no clue. If it happened to you, you would be selfish as well. You are all selfish as well everyday.

Don’t cast stones based on ignorance!

anon January 8, 2010, 8:56 PM

you’re weak.

Janet February 5, 2010, 7:17 AM

I can understand this situation completely. I left my husband of 20 years for the love of my life. I had stuck it out as long as I could. People always seem to know what other be should do. What they would do if they were in the same situation etc. etc. There was a lot of crap in my marriage and if I told you, you would then think I was nuts to stay for so long. I am happy now, my children are adjusting, and I am no longer living a lie. You do what you need to do and I will do what I need to do.

giselle February 5, 2010, 6:38 PM

you know what,i totalllly SUPPORT u and what you did..and maybe its because i right now am living what you lived thru-a loveless marriage!! everyone deserves to be happy…and IF YOU DONT AGREE WITH HER ‘AFFAIR’ OR WHAT HAVE YOU, HOW BOUT U DONT READ HER BLOG!! she could write what ever the hell she feels like writing and shouldnt have to be judged by close minded people that obviously dont know what a marriage should be like, or why you should even stay in one—-because ill be damned if i have my kids watching a father figure bully me and belittle me and teach them that its okay!!! by her leaving she did so much more than just find TRUE love—-she did her kids a HUGE favor and im sure her husband too!! u people are so dumb!

and keep writing girl- b/c u have one person here u can count on!! i agree 100000% with u-

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