1. Please don't frighten my children. As a parent, I vigilantly protect my child from scary and unpleasant imagery. I don't want her to have nightmares of angry, embittered women skulking through malls in hot pursuit of the latest lip plumper they read about in "Cosmo."
2. Zip it. Those impatient cartoon noises you make while I'm trying to get my kid out of your self-entitled way aren't going to make us move any faster. What's your hurry, anyway? The bars stay open 'til 2:00 -- plenty of time for you to get sh*t-faced with your other childfree friends and throw up in your purse.3. Smokey the B*tch: And hey, I know you've had a hard night of partying and you reek of cigarette smoke, but please don't get too near my child. Secondhand smoke kills, not to mention secondhand smoke on trendy secondhand clothes.
4. GrinchGirls need not apply. The holidays are a time for family and togetherness, not for sad lonely women who hate children and probably their own families -- assuming someone in your clan has procreated. If you can't handle the normal hustle and bustle of the Season of Giving -- get out of the mall.
5. Don't Bogart the tables. When you're alone in the crowded food court (which is probably often), don't sit yourself down at a table meant for four. If there are no seats available, then please, feel free to eat your meal on the go. That way, you can hightail it out of the mall that much faster.
Oh, and last, but not least, follow your own advice: It's called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.
And, if you ever change your mind and have children (Honey, believe it or not, the odds are good), those of us with children wish upon you a colicky baby and a temper tantrum-prone toddler -- you'll love them just as we love our children, but then you can endure the heartless comments of women just like you.
But for now, please be warned: Me, my kids and my stroller are at the mall to kick some shopping ass -- so get outta our way."