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I Saw the Childless Bitch Shopping!

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Don't like kids? Stay out of the mall.

childless bitch holiday shopping
Momlogic's Momstrosity: Yesterday, I was doing some holiday shopping at the mall with my kid, and I bumped into the Childless Bitch! You know, the one who writes all those nasty posts like "The Childless Bitch on Holiday Shopping" and other diatribes of venom. I'm pretty sure it was her, because she kept muttering "goddamn breeder" and "crotch fruit" under her breath while glaring at my 3-year-old, who immediately started to cry: "Mommy, that lady is sooo mean!" Gee, kids really do say the darndest things. The truth is, the CB turned my pleasant shopping experience into a real drag. So, here are a few tips for you "SexLESS in the City" gals who decide to venture out to the malls during the holiday rush. I realize my post is going to sound harsh, but seriously, this woman has it coming.

1. Please don't frighten my children. As a parent, I vigilantly protect my child from scary and unpleasant imagery. I don't want her to have nightmares of angry, embittered women skulking through malls in hot pursuit of the latest lip plumper they read about in "Cosmo."

2. Zip it. Those impatient cartoon noises you make while I'm trying to get my kid out of your self-entitled way aren't going to make us move any faster. What's your hurry, anyway? The bars stay open 'til 2:00 -- plenty of time for you to get sh*t-faced with your other childfree friends and throw up in your purse.

3. Smokey the B*tch: And hey, I know you've had a hard night of partying and you reek of cigarette smoke, but please don't get too near my child. Secondhand smoke kills, not to mention secondhand smoke on trendy secondhand clothes.

4. GrinchGirls need not apply. The holidays are a time for family and togetherness, not for sad lonely women who hate children and probably their own families -- assuming someone in your clan has procreated. If you can't handle the normal hustle and bustle of the Season of Giving -- get out of the mall.

5. Don't Bogart the tables. When you're alone in the crowded food court (which is probably often), don't sit yourself down at a table meant for four. If there are no seats available, then please, feel free to eat your meal on the go. That way, you can hightail it out of the mall that much faster.

Oh, and last, but not least, follow your own advice: It's called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.

And, if you ever change your mind and have children (Honey, believe it or not, the odds are good), those of us with children wish upon you a colicky baby and a temper tantrum-prone toddler -- you'll love them just as we love our children, but then you can endure the heartless comments of women just like you.

But for now, please be warned: Me, my kids and my stroller are at the mall to kick some shopping ass -- so get outta our way."

next: Go Ask Alice -- and Save Money!
36 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous November 30, 2009, 8:05 AM


Ash November 30, 2009, 8:56 AM

AMEN! This is what so many wanted to say!! LOVE IT!! HAHAHA

Jenny November 30, 2009, 9:33 AM

you rock!

Queen Bee November 30, 2009, 9:33 AM

I see that Momlogic is recycling old articles. Still funny the 2nd time around reading it though =)

LIssalou November 30, 2009, 9:53 AM


Anonymous November 30, 2009, 10:21 AM

looks like momlogic is going green by recycling articles.

Bored November 30, 2009, 10:28 AM

There is absolutely no reason to recycle since there are plenty of bloggers out there to get new material from. Yawn, STOP RECYCLING ARTICLES!!

Karen November 30, 2009, 11:00 AM

I still side with C.B.

Kristin November 30, 2009, 1:05 PM

Yay! Thanks, I needed that

cari November 30, 2009, 2:48 PM

bitter much?

Childless For Now November 30, 2009, 3:09 PM

While I agree that mean people shouldn’t be nasty to children, the mall isn’t just for parents. Me and my fiance take tables for four all the time.

I find this article needlessly nasty.

ugh November 30, 2009, 3:09 PM

please. it’s great that you like having kids, but if you claim they’re not noisy and smelly and annoying, you’re in major denial.

quit contributing to overpopulation.

ilovemylife November 30, 2009, 3:10 PM

Then you’d best keep your kids under control. There’s nothing worse than being near a mother and (child)ren who are totally out of control (likely your idea of that and mine differs, but it’s not as acceptable as you think it is) and who she has almost zero control over. You don’t bargain with a 3 year old.

I feel sad for you.

Robert November 30, 2009, 3:20 PM

Wow, lady. If you’re that accepting of irresponsible parenting, and hateful toward anyone else trying to live THEIR lives… I feel bad for your husband if he decided to stick with you. I (and all those kidless chicks you can’t stand) would appreciate it if you stop having children now.

Anonymous November 30, 2009, 3:20 PM

Are you serious? If I had a kid that wasnt old enough to behave themself in public, I wouldnt bring them along. last thing i want when I’m in public is to see/hear whiny kids thats should be left at home.

Jeanie November 30, 2009, 3:22 PM

She and those like her are the reason so many women are childless, and most of stay away from malls whenever possible.
I have two sons who misbehaved in public just once, didn’t like the consequences, and didn’t do it again.
I guess they are what Momligic would call “childless bastards” if she met them in the mall, although they have (Well-behaved) daughters, because they have little patience for what they call “misguided monsters and their spawn.”

BBmG November 30, 2009, 3:33 PM

Woah, whoever wrote this is a very bitter, jealous person! This comes off sounding incredibly bigoted and gives the illusion that, unless you’re a family woman, you’re some kind of harlot - It’s like being back in the 1800’s, oh boy! If I didn’t know better, I would think this had been written by a sexist man who still thinks that women should always be saddled with hordes of children and not aspire to do more with their lives other than cooking and cleaning. While you’re at it, go make me a sandwich.

Here I am, a happy, childless adult who does not smoke or drink (except on a few occasions), who spends her free time reading and hiking. When I go shopping, I keep to myself and I hold the utmost curtsy for my fellow shoppers and their children. That does not mean the little people-spawn fail to bother me, rather, they drive me up the wall. Their incessant nagging, flailing arms, and amazing ability to run out before me when I’ve a armful of merchandise never ceases to amaze me. I fail to see how dragging a child to a store where, “I wanna go home” or “I want that! *incoherent screaming*” is all that will be coming out of their mouths the entire trip. It is unessisarly stressfull for the entire shopping community. I know mothers love their kids - I love my dogs, but that doesn’t mean I take them shopping with me when it is clearly a very bad idea.

The only exception to this are children over the age of 12, or children who have a very healthy fear of their parents and who will actually be still and quiet when told to. Sadly, these are a minority in the modern world.

And lastly, those “CB” kinds of people are normally 1/1000 except on days like Black Friday (when everyone is in a bitchy mood, childless or not). And we all know that taking a child shopping with you on BF is one of the most idiotic moves a person could make… Right?

your face November 30, 2009, 3:38 PM

What I love is when some parent, I don’t care which one, uses their obnoxious double-wide stroller as a battering ram to get through the crowd to get to their overweight, oversized and overpriced Stupid Unfortunate Vehicle and then is confused when us, the walking are annoyed when we get hit in the ankle and give US a dirty look like we just kicked their kid.

I also love it when some negligent parent lets their beast loose in the store for them to “oh-so-cutely” touch every glass countertop and knock over piles of merchandise, only to smile an idiotic grin to the clerk, expecting THEM to clean it up.

My FAVORITE is when I come home after a day’s work and parents are all posted out in my neighborhood taking up all of the street parking waiting for their kids instead of parking in front of or next to or even on the block next to the school, which ALWAYS has parking, let ALONE in the actual PARKING LOT… I suppose that would just make too much sense.

Just go on blaming the teachers and the media for your childs’ failures, you have nothing to do with it.

Anonymous November 30, 2009, 3:42 PM

Don’t worry about the haters. You and your kid can come to my mall anytime. Love it!!!

Pamala November 30, 2009, 4:53 PM

What’s hilarious is this mirrors exactly what CB writes all the time and look it gets the same reaction. I just find that funny in general.

Perhaps the moral of the stories to both this blogger and CB is that generalizations just shouldn’t be made and that the world doesn’t revolve around you.

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