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Just a Guy, His Wife, and SEX

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Last week's blog was about one of the other three common couples' argument topics -- money -- so I thought I'd take on the easier one with this blog: sex. Yeah, very easy.

couple smiling at each other in bed

Bruce Sallan: While I declared that sex isn't a big issue in our household (and it isn't), I also have to admit it is an issue. There's a movie quote -- don't ask me from which movie -- that goes something like this: "He wants, she doesn't, he wants, she doesn't," which sums up the stereotypical thinking on sex between couples.

Truth is, I suspect it may be a bit more weighted toward the "she wants" in our house. There are a host of reasons for this that are just too personal to go into, and the differential isn't that disparate. I'd say our only ongoing issues with sex are timing, the kids' presence, and menopause.

I like the evening, she likes the morning. An honest difference of feeling. They're my kids, now her beloved stepkids, so the noise and their presence has a negligible effect on me -- maybe a little more with her (I'm going to ask right now).

As for the menopause, I will only get myself in trouble with that one, so suffice it to say, I've only known my wife "in menopause," so I really have no idea who I married, a comment she doesn't appreciate, and one I use too often (you know how men use the same ol' jokes all the time -- I'm just as guilty as any other man of doing that).

So, as far as sex goes, I guess I'd have to just say -- what do I know? I'm just a guy.


next: Middle School Students Tried to Poison Teacher
16 comments so far | Post a comment now
Erin November 28, 2009, 7:36 AM

Who doesn’t argue about sex? Or money, especially nowadays! We solved “the kids” one by not having any…lol…just kidding. But, since they’re now grown we have the pleasure and I mean pleasure of just dealing with our grandkids. Much nicer than the daily routines of raising them. Thanks for so much variety with your blog, Bruce! I can’t imagine what your house is like but I’d sure like to be a fly on the wall!

stephanie November 28, 2009, 12:03 PM

wow, if my husband bagged on me like that on the internet, it would be a big turn-off for me as well. I hope she cheats on you, because you deserve it.

Bruce Sallan November 28, 2009, 12:41 PM

Wow, Stephanie, if that is your idea of being “bagged on” I really feel sorry for you husband. My wife and I are open with each other and learning how to communicate better all the time. Plus, ANYTIME I post something sensitive, like this blog, I run it by her first, as I did with all three of the blogs in this series! I got her approval and/or implemented changes she requested. Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

tennmom November 28, 2009, 12:49 PM

Evidently, many of you men know enough about it to have kept our species going ;)
I’m an evening gal myself. My husband is usually up for it (ha!) except on Monday evenings.
I don’t, however, likes it when he wakes me & climbs aboard without so much as a howdy-do. Waking me for sex is never going to get a positive response.

Denise November 28, 2009, 4:43 PM

Wow, Bruce, you sure put it out there. I wonder how your wife really feels about your candor (in public)? I suspect you would be in the dog house if you didn’t do what you said you do in your comment to Stephanie (who, btw, should GET A LIFE!). Thanks for taking the risks you do with your blogs. Most of us really appreciate it!

Loren November 28, 2009, 5:08 PM

After reading the comments there sure a lot of different opinions out there on sex in relationships which only validates the fact that it is one of the top three issues in relationships. Let’s face it, men and women are different, their needs are different, their timing is different. There is no right or wrong as long as both people remain open and sensitive to each others needs. But kudos to you Bruce, for daring to bring the subject into the open on your blog!

Dr. Stephanie Buehler November 28, 2009, 6:26 PM

Many women actually feel sexier after menopause. No more PMS, no more periods. If a woman takes good care of herself and is open about what she needs at this stage of her life, it shouldn’t be a problem. Menopause isn’t a disease, it’s a stage of life.

All of the things that you mention in your article are solvable. It takes communication. It is interesting that you say you are “open.” Most couples have sex but rarely discuss it, or if they do, it is barely goes below the surface of, “I want it, you don’t.”

Bruce Sallan November 28, 2009, 6:54 PM

Dr. Buehler - Thank you for your thoughtful comment. My wife is definitely as sexy as ever and while her menopause causes discomfort for her, it hasn’t diminished her libido at all, from my perspective, and she still dresses beautifully and turns heads whenever she enters a room. I remember when I was a kid and my mom was going through it and they told me about it the way they discussed sex back in the 50’s. Women are so much better informed, conscious and aware of their bodies, and my wife is no exception. I wish I could “fix it” as all guys want to fix problems, but I know it’s best to just be understanding and hold her, care for her, and love her.

jay November 28, 2009, 8:37 PM

Woody Allen movie Annie Hall?-
Diane Keaton, to her therapist,-We have sex all the time, three times a week.

Woody Allen, to his therapist,- We never have sex, only 3 times a week.
Work on quality, not quantity.

Jeff November 28, 2009, 10:07 PM

Wow, Stephanie, that’s pretty harsh and based on what? Seems like you may be projecting some stuff from your own bedroom. Anyway, such hostility seems very misplaced. I find Bruce’s honesty refreshing and, for most guys, really taking a risk. I suggest you consider re-reading his blog and others of his and also take a look inside.

Emma November 30, 2009, 10:16 PM

I’m glad to hear that you are running your articles by your wife before publishing. Your openness is what makes your column both interesting and useful. I think that she is a great wife for supporting you in writing it.

beth December 3, 2009, 2:34 PM

Wow. You call this “taking on” sex? Let’s see, what astute observations have you made. Well, you both want sex at different times. The kids are a distracition. She’s menopausal. That’s absolutely brilliant. And how brave of you to be so open.

Brad December 4, 2009, 5:01 AM

Beth, having the guts to come on a public forum and discuss some of the more intimate details of ones life(including sexual issues) IS taking it on. It’s certainly not bottling up the issue, which is the root cause of the problems only getting worse, and eventually leading to either infidelity, divorce, or both.

Remember this. IF the fastest way to a mans heart was through his stomach, then Victorias “secret” would be a cookbook. Needless to say, I don’t see many frying pans in that store, and for good reason.

Mel December 19, 2009, 7:45 PM

I agree with all the positive comments on here. I myself find it hard to try for sex at the right “time”. My husband is a morning or middle of the night kinda guy..and i’m a night person. I normally always get the “i’m to tired” line. Which I hope is really the case. Which I intend to talk with him more about. But, yes, I agree with Brad, if you aren’t open, then it will lead to all the things you never want to happen in a marriage. I myself need and ask for any advice I can recieve in how to approach my husband about sex, goodtiming..etc without him feeling like i’m attacking him. Any ideas?


David January 21, 2010, 10:19 AM

I am curious about what other men experience at my age (57) in terms of declining performance capabilities. I do have a strong libido, in terms of thinking about sex more or less as much as ever, and only slightly less often as ever wanting to have sex. Yet I experience various limitations on my performance … in a sense, my capacity to perform lags behind my almost-as-strong-as ever interest in having/encountering/arranging opportunities to perform, or attempt to perform!

Susan April 18, 2010, 3:31 PM

Ah, menopause… I, for one, feel so much healthier & happier & well-adjusted since I hit menopause in many, many ways. But sex is not one of them. Before menopause, I wanted it ALL the time, ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT, ALL THE TIME. Since menopause, I went from just simply not having any desire whatsoever to eventually actually hating sex. Which really sucks for my partner, because before menopause, we were absolutely perfectly matched in every way sexually. Right now, I am on bio-identical hormone replacement, which is tailored to the individual, which has relieved many of my menopause symptoms, but unfortunately, not that one.


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