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The Childless Bitch on Holiday Shopping

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It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

woman shopping with her kids

It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

That's right, us single, childless gals are rockin' a hangover from a kick-ass post-Thanksgiving party (how was yours?) and will gladly give this bizarre American middle class holiday to you. You can meet at Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning. I am more than happy to let you have the quesadilla maker at 20% off. My gift to you.

But for all the other days I will be in a mall or super-chain megastore, I think it's important to address the mother/child shopping etiquette that needs to take place this holiday season.

First and foremost, leave your child at home!

Shopping is intended to be an enjoyable activity. Why would you want to ruin this experience for yourself, the loved one you've dragged along and - oh, did I mention, every other human being trying to simply buy a gift card?! Listen, we may smile politely but in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Why is that thing in here?"

I get it. You strap your kid in because you think you're making a quick stop at Target, but it never works out. So, since you choose to bring little Jimmy into the hell that is consumer shopping, below are a few rules that should be followed.

1. Those dying bird and abused animal noises you're hearing are coming from your child. Do something about it or I will.

2. No splitting the line. We see you putting your kid in one check-out line and yourself in another to 'beat the system.' This is not clever or original. Let's play by the rules.

3. Dressing rooms are not anatomy class for your children. If your little Tommy peeps his head under my door, I have every right to notify mall security.

4. If you find yourself saying, "Honey, we're almost done here" - you should have left the mall 30 minutes ago. You and your child have already broken at least 3 rules on this list.

5. Aisle 9 - dog leashes. I'm just sayin'.

6. Because you are trying on shoes does not grant your child the right to occupy a seat. This is the one time I will allow her to play on the floor.

7. Leave the doublewide stroller at home. Your marching band of children are taking up the entire aisle and setting the world record for slowest walkers of all time. Get in. Get out. Go home.

8. Do not fuel A.D.D. with Cinnabon.

9. Congratulations! As a parent, you have earned an all-access VIP pass to three hot mall locations - The Child Plastic Playing Area, The Food Court, and Santa's Holiday Village. Enjoy!

10. And last but not least, it's called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.

Read the rebutta to this postl:  "I Saw the Childless Bitch Shopping!"

44 comments so far | Post a comment now
Pharme364 November 27, 2009, 2:54 AM

Very nice site!

Anonymous November 27, 2009, 5:07 AM

um, didn’t we see this article last year?

Ash November 27, 2009, 6:37 AM

yes Anonymous she does that all the time.

kelly November 27, 2009, 7:58 AM


Anonymous November 27, 2009, 8:41 AM

I agree about the double sroller. I hate when women bring them into the bathroom. They take up all the space by the sinks and hand dryers.

Jennifer November 27, 2009, 3:53 PM

Wow she is really losing her touch isn’t she? Maybe the reason we are seeing repeat posts are because she got drunk and got herself knocked up at one of those rockin post Thanksgiving parties. She is no longer Childless B*&^@, she is just a B@$&@ and has no new material because she has crossed over to the dark side.

hillary November 27, 2009, 8:02 PM

lol. i am like the mom she is describing to some degree and i think it’s funny but mostly true :) I don’t usually do much mall shopping with my two young ones just for my sanity but more to those who do!!

Monica November 27, 2009, 10:45 PM

I like #10. Sanity is very important for a mother. But when I am doing serious shopping I just don’t take my son.

Anonymous November 30, 2009, 5:49 AM

another recycled article???

Abby November 30, 2009, 6:43 AM

Good call … same exact article as last year. Why bother posting it?

Tabby November 30, 2009, 3:20 PM

Sorry, don’t take a double stroller??? But I have twins (not planned IVF ones either, totally natural), and I meant to leave them home alone or just carry them around in my arms all day? Or should I just stay home and not do any shopping and they will starve and never see the outside world? Not take them into the bathroom either? Should I leave them unattended outside? And then wait for the same people who complain about them being in the bathroom to complain to social services for leaving them alone? Or maybe I should just pee myself in the mall? Would that be nice? No, didn’t think so.

Good god, woman, get real.

Don’t worry girls, one day she will go to one of her glamorous parties, have one Liebfraumilch too many, cop off with some jerk and get herself knocked up and find herself in exactly the same position as us (except her poor kid won’t even be wanted).

So save your vitriol dear. Or at least be funny.

Rebecca November 30, 2009, 3:21 PM

some of it i understand like the double wide stroller and doing something about your kid screaming and crying instead of ignoring him/her but the rest is just crap, like leaving your kid at home or do online shopping. some don’t have babysitters especially if it is a short notice type of outing, some need to get out of the house why do people expect moms to be hermit crabs? and also some don’t even have a computer let alone an internet connection.

SingleMom November 30, 2009, 6:22 PM

Hello, i’d like to say i agree with the screaming child part..but, people with kids shouldnt be in public? Really? Because I thought that the holidays were for families. Must be mistaken.

Rebecca December 1, 2009, 9:30 PM

Wow you name yourself correctly. MY kids want to use their $$ and buy gifts for their family members. Not everyone can afford the sitter and the gifts too. This post has just made me angry. I have sons, so if I’m by myself with them and OMG have to pee then what should I do with them>> I cant even write anymore this post has made me so mad.

Lisa December 2, 2009, 9:06 PM

OMG, this is crazy. Lady, u need a reality check. Holiday’s is for everyone. Thats including kids. I myself dont have kids, but i love kids. It just wouldnt be the same going to a store/mall with out hearing some kids laughing, screaming, crying or waving hi to me!! How about trying the big sister/little sister thing and taking her our shopping then leave her home while u tell her your shopping and see the expression on her face. GET A LIFE!!

Katie December 4, 2009, 5:01 PM

When you realize you are pregnant, invest some time in finding a babysitter.

In regards to screaming kids in the stores, if you yourself wouldn’t do it then don’t allow your kid to do it. Just because you are under the age of ten doesn’t make it cute or ok.

Kimberly December 19, 2009, 11:41 AM

Okay, this is crazy. I understand everything is hard to understand when you are not a mom, but you thing I am going to recluse me to my house, and not take my child into the world and teach him how to be a civil human being because you mught get irritated? Pshh, sorry lady. The one I especially do agree with is the splitting up the aisles with a shopping cart, if I ever saw that I would definitely say something. I think his article is pretty unrealistic, whiny and harsh, but I guess that is what ignorance usually brings.

anon December 22, 2009, 10:31 PM

I am single and childless and i do not believe this woman to be someone I relate to. How sad… what kind of dark childhood did you have that caused you to become such a bitter B*%#H?

Angela January 22, 2010, 2:24 PM

I believe in reading this article there is a reason she does not have kids. Thank god for that anyway

gabriel phillips February 16, 2010, 8:16 PM

This is a great post with helpful info! One more online resource for readers that can help is from - the Holiday Savings Center is monitoring and posting the best Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals and the editorial team is working through the Thanksgiving weekend to make sure the information is up to date.

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