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Your Dog Grosses Me Out

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Jennifer Ginsberg: Last Saturday night, I was invited to the birthday party of a family friend. As much as I wanted to go, I hesitated when responding to the invitation because I knew that I would have to deal with Shlomo, their big, stinky dog.

dog humping woman's leg

Before you burn me at the stake for admitting that dogs gross me out, let me make myself clear. I respect animals. I do not wish them any harm. I have been practically vegan for years because I cannot stand the thought of animals getting tortured. But if I wanted to cohabit with them, I would live on a big farm out in the country -- not in a single family home in West Los Angeles. And I even hold the highly controversial belief that dogs are not equivalent to human beings and do not deserve the same rights and privileges that people do.

There is nothing that disgusts me more than walking into someone's house and having Fido run up to me and hump my leg and slobber all over me. And dogs always seem to sense that I am not a "dog person," so they work extra hard to win me over with super-aggressive humping and double-wet and sticky licking.

It is freaking annoying when I sit down on your fur-covered sofa with a plate of food and your dog stands one inch from me, panting his nasty doggy breath and whimpering as he begs for my crudites. My 2-year-old daughter didn't enjoy when Shlomo sucked on her toes while she was eating birthday cake, either!

Even worse was the other couple who brought their dog Fifi to the party, who wouldn't stop yapping the entire time. The nonstop barking made it nearly impossible to have any adult conversation ... but maybe I missed the point and I was invited to a Dog Party. No, I DO NOT like your hat!!!

The owners of the yappy dog seemed to think their wretched little beast was cute, and went so far as to rationalize her obnoxious behavior by telling the guests, "Forgive her barking -- she's blind."

"Ohhh ..." was the collective murmur heard around the room. Nothing can bring a crowd to near tears faster than talking about your dog's illness or disability. I restrained myself from asking the couple if they had signed a Living Will (i.e., a no-heroic-measures document) on Fifi's behalf.

Perhaps I am a fool for asking -- but why does being blind rationalize Fifi's ear-piercing, incessant yelping? Now, if she was walking into furniture or crashing into walls, I would have understood the excuse of blindness, and even been able to summon some sympathy for the pathetic creature.

But blaming barking on blindness is like using menstrual cramps to justify Tourette's syndrome. Actually, I am going to try that -- the next time I go to a party, I am going to repetitively shriek, "MOTHER F**KER C**K-SUCKERS," and my husband will sheepishly tell the guests, "Forgive her -- she has PMS." Let's see if I garner as much sympathy as the stinky, blind, heinous doggy.

If you choose to cohabit with dogs, then how about putting them outside for meals and parties? I know that you consider them to be a part of the family, but they are animals, not people, and it is not acceptable for them to infringe on the comfort of your guests.

Humanizing animals is a glaring example of our society's broken moral compass. It's easier for some people to feel frothy emotion about the imagined plight of an animal over actual human suffering. It's also simpler to have a relationship with a pet than a person -- there aren't any real emotional requirements, and you get to feel loved unconditionally for no good reason.

If these self-proclaimed dog lovers really cared about animals, perhaps they would strive to meet their genuine needs, rather than attempt to turn their dogs into submissive love slaves. These poor dogs are tools for people to get their narcissistic needs met, while they deserve to be respected for the animals they are. The truth is, dogs don't belong in houses -- their natural habitat is outdoors -- and they certainly don't belong at a party with young children running around.

Needless to say, even the most tamed and trained dog can get spooked and attack a child. But dog-worshippers are magical thinkers who believe that their pet operates from a place of human intellect rather than animal instinct, and will go so far as to say, "My precious Fifi would never bite anyone!"

Humanized dogs even seem miserable, which is evidenced by their hyperactivity and manic barking. I bet if they could talk, they would say something like, "Man this sucks! I'm a freaking dog, for God's sake! I really want to be outside chasing a squirrel and licking my ass in private -- not at this dumb-sh*t party with all these neurotic, creepy people doting on me!"

And please don't tell me that dog saliva is more sterile than human spit, as I have never seen a person lick their butt, then run up to me and lick my face!

next: What NOT To Do When Your Car Is Smooshed
82 comments so far | Post a comment now
A.C. November 10, 2009, 7:30 AM

I have to agree with D. Baby on this one. Just as you don’t want to come to my house because of my dog, I avoid yours because of your child. Just as you can’t stand it when my dog comes up to you and drools on you, I can’t stand it when your little “angel” comes up to me and puts her grimy, dirty hands all over me. Just as you are annoyed when my dog barks, I’m annoyed when your “precious” child is screaming her head off while you’re supplying some inane excuse for her. Get over yourself.

Shocked! November 10, 2009, 7:52 AM

Wow! It is scary and sad that you are raising children to think this way too! November 10, 2009, 8:05 AM

I aspire to be the person my dog thinks I am! Dogs are loving and loyal and definitely a party of my happy, loving, friend-filled family.

pet lover November 10, 2009, 9:55 AM

I’m going to write a similar blog post about children. I much prefer animals to obnoxious, dirty, screaming, selfish kids. Thanks for the inspiration.

Elaine November 10, 2009, 1:11 PM


I know if I’m invited to your house, knowing that I’ll be around your stinky kid and forced to listen to you brag about “Precious’” latest poopy, that’s what I’ll do.

baltimoregal November 10, 2009, 2:51 PM

As long as people like you believe that dogs belong chained up outdoors, we will continue to have a problem with dog bites in this society. Dogs are not security guards or lawn ornaments, they are family members.

Linda November 10, 2009, 5:46 PM

Wow! Such an angry, unhappy person. I feel sorry for you.

Ellie November 10, 2009, 6:54 PM

Wow, what a heartless, nasty person you are. Sure, I’ll crate my dog while we’re having dinner if she’s being a nuisance, but will YOU crate your kid when she’s screaming, slobbering and being a brat? I actually feel sorry for your kid, having such a b*tch of a mom.

Lynn November 10, 2009, 7:01 PM

D. Baby - You took the words right out of my mouth!!! Totally agree with you!!! :)

Max November 10, 2009, 7:20 PM

Ms. Ginsberg has obviously never met Nigel.

Ann November 10, 2009, 7:28 PM

Odd that a person who humanizes farm animals in her statement “I have been practically vegan for years because I cannot stand the thought of animals getting tortured” has such little regard for companion pets. Perhaps her education is lacking in the therapeutic value of pets.

Anne November 10, 2009, 7:49 PM

It is glaringly obvious that you have never experienced the joy of owning a dog, so how do you claim to have a clue what their “genuine needs” are? A dog’s natural habitat is NOT the outdoors. Please do some research before making these gross misstatements of fact.

These animals deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It’s a shame that you disagree.

Katie November 10, 2009, 8:13 PM

My dogs live in my house. It’s their house, too. On three occasions visitors have come into my house (two of them uninvited) and imperiously demanded that I put my dogs outside or lock them in another room. Every time this happens I point out that my dogs live here and they (the visitors) don’t, then show them the door. I just don’t understand why people would invite folks like you over in the first place.

Jake Collins November 10, 2009, 8:25 PM

Listening to my dog snore now … as I fight for space in the bed!

Karen Ibbotson November 10, 2009, 9:41 PM

My advice to you would be to stick to what you know and dogs aint it! Your article makes some very sweeping statements about pet owners and I actually found them very offensive. My dogs certainly do not smell, they are fed on a raw diet and if you came into my home you wouldn’t even know I had 2 large breeds living there! My animals are controlled and well mannered, can the same be said for some of the children we have to endure these days? I’d take a dog over a ill mannered squealing brat any day of the week and by the by I have 2 teenagers both controlled and well mannered. I have very little tolerance for lack of manners ;O)
“These poor dogs are tools for people to get their narcissistic needs met” I found this particularly offensive, I do not keep dogs to massage my ego. Have you any idea what goes into keeping a dog? The training that is required, the hours that need to be put in? My dogs are certainly not unhappy or mistreated.
About the only thing that I agree with in this entire sorry article is that human values should not be placed on dogs, they are dogs and should be respected for that and treated accordingly, this does not mean putting them outside in all weathers but recognising they are not children, but pack animals that should be well trained and respected for that fact, they can be potentially dangerous if mishandled and allowed to run riot. In the same vain people need to be educated in how to behave around animals and treat them with the respect they deserve!
If you don’t like the fur on my sofa, it is simple don’t come to my house! ;O)

Gloria November 10, 2009, 10:15 PM

Thank God for all the people who put you in your place. Your bad experience is the fault of the dog’s owner, not the dog.
Your story only reinforces my belief -that a college education does not make you smart —- it only makes you think you are.
Who ever paid you for that article is stupider than you are. You are not funny.

Heather November 10, 2009, 10:52 PM

Whoa, calm down ladies. The author never says she does not respect animals’ rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of bones. She just doesn’t like dogs. Why does that make her a “heartless, nasty person”? Because she doesn’t share your tastes and attitudes? She’s not hurting dogs in any way, just writing a humorous post about how she finds dogs annoying. So what’s it to ya?

Funny how people get worked up about dogs.

agilityjrts November 11, 2009, 4:20 AM

I can understand your anger - must come from hanging out with all those addicts for so many years.

You should try hanging out with dogs - they never lie, steal, or commit crimes. And as a bonus they’ll lower your blood pressure! Seems as you could use that!

Mary November 11, 2009, 6:34 AM

Too funny! :)

Janine November 11, 2009, 7:53 AM

People were not bred to be in houses either…they used to run free until apes were “domesticated” and we moved indoors to be civilized.

My dogs and I pity you. If you are that appalled: GO HOME! Maybe us dog-lovers are appalled by your insensitive and crude generalizations!

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