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Your Dog Grosses Me Out

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Jennifer Ginsberg: Last Saturday night, I was invited to the birthday party of a family friend. As much as I wanted to go, I hesitated when responding to the invitation because I knew that I would have to deal with Shlomo, their big, stinky dog.

dog humping woman's leg

Before you burn me at the stake for admitting that dogs gross me out, let me make myself clear. I respect animals. I do not wish them any harm. I have been practically vegan for years because I cannot stand the thought of animals getting tortured. But if I wanted to cohabit with them, I would live on a big farm out in the country -- not in a single family home in West Los Angeles. And I even hold the highly controversial belief that dogs are not equivalent to human beings and do not deserve the same rights and privileges that people do.

There is nothing that disgusts me more than walking into someone's house and having Fido run up to me and hump my leg and slobber all over me. And dogs always seem to sense that I am not a "dog person," so they work extra hard to win me over with super-aggressive humping and double-wet and sticky licking.

It is freaking annoying when I sit down on your fur-covered sofa with a plate of food and your dog stands one inch from me, panting his nasty doggy breath and whimpering as he begs for my crudites. My 2-year-old daughter didn't enjoy when Shlomo sucked on her toes while she was eating birthday cake, either!

Even worse was the other couple who brought their dog Fifi to the party, who wouldn't stop yapping the entire time. The nonstop barking made it nearly impossible to have any adult conversation ... but maybe I missed the point and I was invited to a Dog Party. No, I DO NOT like your hat!!!

The owners of the yappy dog seemed to think their wretched little beast was cute, and went so far as to rationalize her obnoxious behavior by telling the guests, "Forgive her barking -- she's blind."

"Ohhh ..." was the collective murmur heard around the room. Nothing can bring a crowd to near tears faster than talking about your dog's illness or disability. I restrained myself from asking the couple if they had signed a Living Will (i.e., a no-heroic-measures document) on Fifi's behalf.

Perhaps I am a fool for asking -- but why does being blind rationalize Fifi's ear-piercing, incessant yelping? Now, if she was walking into furniture or crashing into walls, I would have understood the excuse of blindness, and even been able to summon some sympathy for the pathetic creature.

But blaming barking on blindness is like using menstrual cramps to justify Tourette's syndrome. Actually, I am going to try that -- the next time I go to a party, I am going to repetitively shriek, "MOTHER F**KER C**K-SUCKERS," and my husband will sheepishly tell the guests, "Forgive her -- she has PMS." Let's see if I garner as much sympathy as the stinky, blind, heinous doggy.

If you choose to cohabit with dogs, then how about putting them outside for meals and parties? I know that you consider them to be a part of the family, but they are animals, not people, and it is not acceptable for them to infringe on the comfort of your guests.

Humanizing animals is a glaring example of our society's broken moral compass. It's easier for some people to feel frothy emotion about the imagined plight of an animal over actual human suffering. It's also simpler to have a relationship with a pet than a person -- there aren't any real emotional requirements, and you get to feel loved unconditionally for no good reason.

If these self-proclaimed dog lovers really cared about animals, perhaps they would strive to meet their genuine needs, rather than attempt to turn their dogs into submissive love slaves. These poor dogs are tools for people to get their narcissistic needs met, while they deserve to be respected for the animals they are. The truth is, dogs don't belong in houses -- their natural habitat is outdoors -- and they certainly don't belong at a party with young children running around.

Needless to say, even the most tamed and trained dog can get spooked and attack a child. But dog-worshippers are magical thinkers who believe that their pet operates from a place of human intellect rather than animal instinct, and will go so far as to say, "My precious Fifi would never bite anyone!"

Humanized dogs even seem miserable, which is evidenced by their hyperactivity and manic barking. I bet if they could talk, they would say something like, "Man this sucks! I'm a freaking dog, for God's sake! I really want to be outside chasing a squirrel and licking my ass in private -- not at this dumb-sh*t party with all these neurotic, creepy people doting on me!"

And please don't tell me that dog saliva is more sterile than human spit, as I have never seen a person lick their butt, then run up to me and lick my face!


next: What NOT To Do When Your Car Is Smooshed
82 comments so far | Post a comment now
Houndstooth November 11, 2009, 8:44 AM

Well, my dogs have never bitten or humped anyone. I wonder what the author smells like to provoke such a response. Through the toughest times in my life, canine companionship has been one of the greatest rewards I’ve ever experienced and my dogs never told me how I should feel or act. My dogs have also never made a restaurant, theatre or store miserable with screaming tantrums like most children I’ve encountered in public. Enjoy your sanitized life!

dog friendly November 11, 2009, 8:46 AM

Because my home is their home they live here and my visitors do not. I do keep mine put up during meals, they do not have access to all of my home, but how DARE you expect someone else to put their pets up because YOU don’t like them. You’ve got a lot of nerve and a lack of heart.

Correct, and unlike with human ANIMALS they always are up front with their feelings. If they don’t like you, they snarl or try to dominate you (leg humping - guess all your friends’ dogs are trying to show you that you are below them). Human animals lie. hmmm pretty apparent why so many of us love dogs and share our lives with them over human animals that share your thinking.

Wow you really do have a holier than thou “I am the be all” importance trip don’t you? YOU go into someone else’s home and expect to have YOUR needs/desires put above those who live in said home? I’m amazed that anyone wants you to visit THEIR home. Pity you’re a mother, but one can hope that your child grows up and learns the love of all things living without such biased influence from you.

And yes, I prefer animals over other people’s children. Too many parents refuse to really parent and raise ill behaved disrespectful socially unacceptable beings. Keep your kid at home next time, I’m sure the dogs would be much happier without you or it around.

luna November 11, 2009, 8:51 AM

interestingly, i feel this exact way about people’s smelly, sticky, obnoxious children. yet, if i were to post about it on my blog, i would surely be vilified by those of you who think it’s “perfectly ok” to allow your disgusting children to annoy me.

Lesa November 11, 2009, 11:27 AM

You need to stick to your own field of work and stop publishing your own biased opinions for which you have no expertise in, and not try to sterotype people that have pets, I feel the same about bad kids, that are not well behaved. I have 3 dogs 2 cats and my house is clean, my mom has 3 dogs her house is imaculate, I have seen people with kids and no pets and they live in filth, so before you say something research it and or act like you know what your are talking about.

HL November 11, 2009, 12:21 PM

Dog person, not a dog person, to each his own. I personally own 2 dogs. They are part of the family. My kids (yes, I have those too) love our animals. But I understand that dog ownership is a big responsibility and is not for everyone. I also understand that there are irresponsible pet owners, much like there are irresponsible parents of human children. However, I would have definitely hoped that a woman who was supposed to be educated and responsible as this woman is supposed to be, would have been careful to make sure that the information she presented for everyone to read was at least accurate. Yes…some dogs need space and should live in a home with enough land to satisfy their size and need for exercise. However, my dogs weigh about 12 pounds each. They were not bred to be work dogs. They have hair which continuously grows, and they require consistent grooming and care. If left to “run in the wild”, their hair would matte up to the point that they would not be able to see, and sores would develop where hair was pulling itself out of the skin from the tangles. So, they are indoor pets. Animals can be great tools for teaching people with emotional walls to start learning to love and trust. Dogs help the blind “see.” They make people with epilepsy more able to have fulfilling lives. Research has shown that older people with pets have happier and healthier lives. If you want to present your biased opinion, that is fine. However, please don’t state your misinformation and gross false assumptions as fact.

HL November 11, 2009, 12:42 PM

On a side note, if I were to put my dogs outside under the notion it was for “for their own good,” I think they would have a lot more obscenities to utter my way. My dogs don’t shed (Lhasa’s don’t)so most of the hair on my furniture is my own (long curly hair….I find it everywhere). Of the mess in my living room right now, not a single part of it is from my dogs…but my toddler and my fiance. No “stinky dog” smell in here, but thanks to my 2-year-old and an upset stomach last night, well, you get the idea. (Fabreze does not work as well as the commercials claim by the way). My point is, the mess in my house has nothing to do with my dogs….it is the people. And if my dogs did make a mess, I would clean it up, much like I clean up after my 2-year-old. My dogs get bathed…just like my kids. For the record, my dogs have never humped anyone’s leg. As a dog owner, I would be appalled at myself if I had ever allowed this behavior to happen. Shame on the owner, not the dog.

Harry November 11, 2009, 1:29 PM

I like dogs, especially withthe right sauce. Pets are spare food

Cheri Spain November 11, 2009, 1:53 PM

It is true that dogs know when someone DESERVES to be treated a certain way. The dog is only reciprocating the feelings they get from her. If she doesn’t like it she should take a look into her attitude and adjust that! As I see from her tone (Miss Almighty) etc. she is definitely in need of an attitude adjustment.

What she doesn’t realize is that the dog and their owners don’t want her to come over! But because they are family they feel obligated to ask.

Enjoy your lonely solitary future!

Leah November 11, 2009, 9:08 PM

I feel the same way about dirty little children whose parents allow them to scream and run around while I try to enjoy a meal or a movie or shopping. I live with my animals. It’s as much their house as it is mine. If you don’t like dogs don’t come to my house.

Sheila November 11, 2009, 10:18 PM

I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard…this article is absolutely hysterical. First of all, anyone that says their dog is domesticated and would NEVER bite anyone, here’s a reality check…dogs are animals and animals can bite anyone at anytime. Second, I have really bad asthma so most I get the luxury of avoiding most homes that have dogs (or cats) simply because I have serious allergic reactions when I’m around them. With that said, when I get the displeasure of encountering a dog at a dog party (big dog party, little dog party, any dog party is too much of a dog party), I find it offensive when the owner can’t put the dog outside. Why? Because I was invited to the house with the knowledge that I have serious pet allergies. If you know this - and you’re going to invite me anyone - be respectful and put the dog outside. And for those of you who say “don’t go if you don’t want to subject yourself to the dog” - in most cases I simply decline the invitation. However, when I’m BEGGED to attend then put the dog outside. Quite frankly, I don’t care if you choose the dog over me - I’d rather not hang out with people who have a weird, incenstuous relationship with their dog. But, if you feel your party would be miserable without me then put the dog outside. Really people, get a grip and put your priorities in check. Finally, I’m really happy that this author share her experience. We’ve all had this happen - thanks for sharing it in a way that still has be laughing hysterically.

PEGGY November 12, 2009, 8:44 AM

KRISTEN, AND ALL YOU “I HATE DOGS” CAN GO TO HELL!!! OBVIOUSLY ALL OF YOU ARE VERY INSECURE AS WELL AS A PERSON I WOULD NOT BE FRIENDS WITH. THERE IS THAT CLICHE’ ABOUT PEOPLE THAT ARE ANIMAL LOVERS AND THOSE THAT ARE NOT. THE “NOT” ARE THE ONES WHO WILL STAB YOU IN THE BACK, AND ARE NOT VERY NICE PEOPLE. A PROVEN FACT. THE ONLY REASON A DOG “STINKS” IS BECAUSE THE OWNER IS NOT TAKING PROPER CARE. IF YOU DIDNT TAKE A SHOWER FOR MONTHS, YOU WOULD ALSO STINK!!! I HAVE FOUR, AND THEY ARE VERY CLEAN,AND WELL-BEHAVED. AND NO, THEY DO NOT POTTY INSIDE. A WELL-TRAINED DOG IS THE ALMOST PERFECT DOG. AN UNRULY DOG IS THE PRODUCT OF A MAJOR LAZY OWNER!!! WE HAVE BARBECUES HERE, ETC; AND MINE DO NOT JUMP, HUMP, ETC ON PEOPLE. NOR DO THEY BEG FOR FOOD. POSITIVE CORRECTIONS WILL SOLVE THAT PROBLEM. OUR DOGS ARE OUR “CHILDREN”, EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE KIDS. AND THESE 4 LEGGED KIDS COME FIRST!!! DOGS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO COMFORT KIDS WITH CANCER, HOSPITAL STAYS, WELCOMED IN OLD-FOLKS HOME….IT IS ENDLESS. YOU PEOPLE WHO HATE/DISLIKE DOGS NEED TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR. I SEE A VERY SELFISH PERSON, AND NARROW MINDED AS WELL. I PERSONALLY WOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH AN “ANTI-DOG-PERSON”. THERE IS A GOOD REASON WHY PEOPLE ARE THIS WAY. AS I MENTIONED ABOVE. MY DOGS REFLECT MY PERSONALITY AND MY OVERALL PERSONA. WHICH IS KIND, WARM-HEARTED, GENEROUS, LIKEABLE, ALL GOOD THINGS. AND TO THOSE THAT ARE POSTING POSITIVE, GOOD FOR YOU! THERE ARE MORE ANIMAL LOVERS IN THIS COUNTRY THAN THE MORONS WHO THINK THEY ARE NASTY…WHAT A SHALLOW LIFE YOU HAVE….

Kelly (MOM to Sophie, Dixie and Harley) November 18, 2009, 6:19 PM

As a MOM to three beautiful pugs, I am disgusted. Pugs cannot survive outside. While it’s great that you are “practically” vegan (which is “practically” admirable) dogs can be like children to some people. Someone likes chocolate, others like vanilla. Some some people enjoy pets, others don’t. You may not like my dogs around at a dinner party… but your kid could be the most annoying, gross creep on the block. It’s all about knowing their limit and teaching/training them as they grow.

You are such a sad, cold, angry person.

morgan in pittsburgh November 19, 2009, 6:51 PM

Geez,Lady, you better hope the DWB’s “power of the paw” never descends upon you.
your pal, Morgan

Anonymous December 8, 2009, 5:03 PM

I know it has been a month since this was post but anyways not everybody like dogs, I personally hate that some people think we all need to love their dogs and stink,

If they only knew how different their home would smell if they din’t have one.

Anonymous December 8, 2009, 5:07 PM

PS: hurray to you for telling all those dog lovers the truth. We dont need to like them things. its funny how they “are children” to some people. They need to get a life and a head doc.

sam December 9, 2009, 12:25 PM

I am a dog lover but I have the same qualms as you about other people’s dogs. My dogs are not allowed to beg for food. My dogs are super friendly so when my non-doggy lover friends come over they go upstairs or outside. I also would never let my dog jump or hump my guest. I have a friend who has very poorly behaved animals and when we get invited over we sometimes say no because we honestly don’t want to eat our food with their dog jumping on our lap and trying to steal our food. People who have dogs that are so poorly behaved probably shouldn’t own dogs.

Bob January 1, 2010, 9:07 PM

Jennifer—I appreciate your post and echo your feelings completely. I love all animals but feel strongly that humans should be given first consideration, particularly at a party. I find the overly sensitive pet worshippers to be quite amusing.

Sam February 2, 2010, 12:05 PM

Bob -I completely agree. If I invite people over then they come first. period! People before pets. I love my dogs but they are well behaved. It’s most dog owners in America that have terribly behaved dogs. I lived in Germany for 5 years and they are kind to their animals but understand that their dogs are not people.

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