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144 Ounces of Holiday Cheer

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Need a fun last-minute gift for the humorous set?

beer tree

Brett Berk: Wondering what to get that special parent in your life for the holidays? Well, if you gave them one of those easy-to-install childproof deadbolts for the outside of their kid's room last year, and they've got nightstand drawers full of earplugs and sleeping pills, and you've already purchased a copy of "The Gay Uncle's Guide to Parenting," you could do worse than to make them one of these. What the hell is it (besides a waste of $4.99 and a trip to 7-11?) Well, it's apparently what's known in parts of the Middle West as "A Singing Christmas Tree," and it's as easy to make as marinated cheese.

Alls you do is cover a round piece of cardboard -- like from an old pizza box -- in tin foil, take the 12-pack out of its bird-asphyxiating plastic holsters, and put it all in a pretty sack (along with some holiday cheer). Then you trail the whole kit over to the recipient's house, barge in, and let them know you've gotten them a gift. When they ask what it is, you place the silvery disc on their kitchen counter, and tell them, it's "A Singing Christmas Tree."

You then remove the cheap swill from your bag one can at a time, forming a diminishing pyramidimical trio of round beer tiers atop the silvery disc, all the while murdering some jolly tune like "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," "Good King Wencelaus," or "I Don't Know How to Love Him." The best part? When you're done crooning, and you've recovered from the ball-peen hammer injuries your hosts are likely to inflict, you can immediately begin chugging. It's a gift that gives itself.

next: Craziest Holiday Houses
4 comments so far | Post a comment now
abbi December 23, 2009, 4:20 PM

this is probably the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard.
i guess if i had uneducated, beer-swilling, low-class rednecks for a family this would go over well.
but my family is large, educated, and under the impression a good time with loved ones doesn’t have to end in getting drunk.

but again, if the aforementioned “singing christmas tree” boors were part of my family, i’d probably feel the overwhelming need to toss one back every 20 minutes or so.


Anonymous December 23, 2009, 9:17 PM

Thank you for your opinion! I’m certain it’ll be filed to the appropriate department (/dev/null/) as soon as someone can be arsed to care.

augi December 23, 2009, 9:26 PM

I didn’t get this at first, but then I saw it was on And those motherfu0=ers need a good laugh. So well done, despite how crude and unfunny it was.

Kelly December 23, 2009, 10:07 PM

if this is suppose to be funny - it’s lame.
If it’s serious - it’s even lamer.

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