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I May Be Childless, But I'm Not a Disease

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Childless Bitch: Mommies, you've gone too far. I am utterly offended. This proves once and for all that you think human beings are uncivilized predators out to get you and your precious spawn.

childless without a disease

We're living in the age of paranoia. Not since the McCarthy era have we been so suspicious of our fellow man. We're convinced that every stranger's sneeze is a receptacle for H1N1, that the guy in line in front of you with the uncovered cough deserves corporal punishment. We've practically replaced our vanilla citrus shower gel with Costco-sized bottles of Purell. All for the fear of catching a little cold or flu that might ground us in bed eating soup and watching daytime TV while we moan to our significant others for a few days.

But this, this is f*@&ing ridiculous! How dare you assume that I am not clean enough to handle your child? That sign is so condescending and offensive that it actually makes me want to grab your baby, open its mouth, and sneeze into it. That's not right, I know. The baby is an innocent victim. I should really be sneezing into your mouth. Have we really reached the point where, because you have a child, you get to treat the rest of your peers like children? This sign says to me that you think I don't have enough common sense to realize that babies and children have weaker immune systems and are more prone to illness than we adults are. Basically, the sign says that you think I'm a dirty idiot.

What if I posted a sign on myself when I came into contact with your babies? "If your baby drools, poos itself, or is incapable of keeping its snot in its nose -- kindly back the hell up." After all, your baby is much more likely to be crawling with microscopic domestic terrorists than me.

I think it's pretty safe to say that unless you saw someone crawl out of a Jersey Shore hot tub, you can assume they're not going to spread disease onto your kid. And if you still think they (perhaps another child) are, then a simple verbal reminder -- "Hey, would you mind washing your hands, Carson's been sick lately?" -- is more than okay.

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56 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jerri December 21, 2009, 4:48 AM

Childeren do have weaker immune systems but the only way to strenghthen them to be exposed to the elements. Keeping them wrapped in purell doesn’t do them any good. I have two childeren and I agree with you, I hate that sign.

abbi December 21, 2009, 5:24 AM

“If your baby drools, poos itself, or is incapable of keeping its snot in its nose — kindly back the hell up.”
Awesome, hilarious, and I’d wear this on a t-shirt, or sing it from the mountaintops if i wasn’t afraid of uppity self-righteous, chubby sloppy moms going up in arms over their precious parasites.

Grandma December 21, 2009, 7:25 AM

Wear a mask…

MarMar December 21, 2009, 11:16 AM

I think this is in reaction to H1N1 but I agree, it’s a bit over-the-top. These parents do realize that as soon as these kids start school, they’ll be spending most of their day in a giant petri dish called a kindergarten classroom, don’t they? Also, is it so hard for Mom to say “No” to someone touching her kid? I try to be polite myself; if someone has their baby around and I’m feeling even the slightest bit under-the-weather, I stay away for baby’s sake. But Mom also has every right to say “Hey MarMar, sounds like you’ve been coughing quite a bit!” and not hand baby over to me either.

Krista December 21, 2009, 11:36 AM

You are absolutely out of your damn mind for posting this. If it bothers you that much, wear a mask or don’t go in public. Mothers protect THEMSELVES as well as their children. Do you know what it’s like to be sick as hell taking care of two kids who are also sick? IT SUCKS. So wash your damn hands, cover your cough AND sneeze and SHUT UP.

Yelena December 21, 2009, 11:39 AM

Funny though this is, and I totally understand your point of view… Most people forget to do things like wash their hands! You may be clean, but most people don’t even bother to wash after the bathroom and still assume they are clean. That sign is totally understandable and not meant as an insult to you… just .. most people are dirty, and that’s a fact.

Sane Person December 21, 2009, 11:47 AM
Joe December 21, 2009, 11:47 AM

I think everyone is overreacting here, just a little bit. I think i must be the only person that isn’t pissed off about this.

ELBSeattle December 21, 2009, 11:58 AM

I am constantly astonished at the way parents with babies behave. Not all of them, but a lot of them act as if their children have a Constitutional right to invade my space. The unwillingness, inability or downright cluelessness that some (okay, a lot) of parents seem to have over reining their kids in amazes me. “No, thank you, I really don’t want your child’s saliva on my hands. Or face. Or food.” But if I ever say anything like that I am looked upon as a monster just this side of Hannibal Lechter.
That said, I think everybody has a right - a responsibility - to stop spreading disease. Washing our hands is key to killing any number of pathogens. More people need to wash their hands more often.
So while I agree that some parents can be insufferably smug or demanding as far as their puling whelps are concerned, I think asking someone to wash her/his hands before sticking them in my face is kind of a good idea.
And let’s turn the tables a bit. I’m all for posting a sign that says, “Please wash your baby’s hands before you insist that it touch me.”

LO December 21, 2009, 12:05 PM

You know what is the funniest thing about this? Over 40,000 PEOPLE DIE EVERY YEAR FROM THE FLU….the regular plain old flu!!! All of this H1N1 crap is bullshit in an effort for the government to make more money. Not to mention, many of the vaccines for H1N1 are being recalled!!!!!! In addition…using purell or other antibacterial cleaner like it too often can be dangerous for you not only kills the bad bacteria, but the good bacteria too! Some people should do some research before they start flipping out…As for the sign on the baby carriage, you might as well have one saying “F*ck off!”

datkrak December 21, 2009, 12:13 PM

You can read a much more… thorough (and expletive-laden)… response on my blog. For now, just this: please don’t be stupid. Or quite so egocentric. Actually, both. Egocentrically stupid. Is your name on the sign, lady? I think and… you know, correct me if I’m off base here… but I think this is intended for just, you know, general strangers. Not, uh, you. I think we, as parents, tend to assume that people we don’t know aren’t going to be as careful around our children as we, the parents might be. So, uh… grow up?

Or, to put it another way: my kid, my rules, sweetheart. Wash your f@%&ing hands.

Terry December 21, 2009, 12:17 PM

Wow way to jump to conclusions. Are you sure the little girl doesn’t have an immune deficiency disease like HIV or cancer? Maybe they’re on their way to their redneck relatives house where they don’t believe soap actually does anything. I completely agree with you about snotty-nosed poopy kids and how irresponsible and lazy most parents are. However, when my son was an infant, every time we went to a public place some nasty, creepy, menopause driven old lady would come up and think it was ok to touch and kiss him. I had to yell, curse, and threaten to call the police in some instances for them to take me serious. I think the sign is nice and polite. A lot nicer than I was.

Jordan  December 21, 2009, 12:55 PM

After having a number of well-meaning but incredibly invasive strangers handle my son and lean into his stroller for a kiss I have also thought about getting a sign such as the one that set this post in motion. I’m not interested in keeping my son in a mommy-bubble but I am interested in keeping complete strangers out, and off, his face.

lwestin December 21, 2009, 1:00 PM

My personal theory on germs is that a kid can put about anything in his mouth without much consequence (developed that theory watching my kids eat dirt). Other peoples hands , however, still make me cringe.

I’m at a loss to understand the vitriol here, but maybe it’s a slow day for important things to care about?

Martha December 21, 2009, 1:07 PM

I agree, the sign seems silly and rude, however, I think the reality is that it might just be necessary. Here in Ontario, although we have had thousands of people sick with H1N1 flu and several people have died, you still see people out in public coughing into their hands and not sanitizing them afterwards. Look around the next time you are in the food court at your local mall. You will be amazed to see how often people touch their mouths and noses with their hands.

Cheapskate December 21, 2009, 1:20 PM

Again, people are missing the point here. It’s $8 for a sign, that as the poster put it “a simple verbal reminder”, could be a substitute. Wow. We have WAY too much money to deal with.

healthcareworker December 21, 2009, 1:53 PM

This is really a stupid post. Only someone with an ego larger than the continent would be offended by a mother trying to protect her baby. It smacks of the mind set: give me my epidural in the parking lot, give me a tummy tuck with the C-section, and who cares if I smoke during my pregnancy?

Clearly, you are uninformed, selfish, and driven by ego.

gbmonkey December 21, 2009, 2:56 PM

WOW until you have a child you will never realize how many crazy freakin people want to touch your child. Keep your dam+ hands off people this little sign just keeps you from having to say it over and over and over again. Or for those of you who might be afraid to say keep your dam= hands off my child hopefully those people can read. I think the sign is awesome you might have boundaries with other peoples kids but most do NOT!!

Mother Nature December 21, 2009, 4:03 PM

I see a couple of puling parasites on here, but they aren’t children. Do the childless really have nothing better to do, but troll parenting boards, groups and sites with no other purpose but to complain? As for the sign, I have to agree. It’s stupid. Kids (and adults) who are exposed to more naturally, get sick less. So put down that alcohol based gel and go play in some dirt!

Pamala December 21, 2009, 4:26 PM

Oddly enough no one ever touched or touches my child. I wonder where the heck all these people live where their children are touched all the time. Maybe I gave the “don’t freaking touch my kid” vibe or something. I just see the signs as unnecessary.

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