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PiscesMy Heartbreaking Choice
The choice to end your dearly wanted pregnancy is so heartbreaking. It is very personal; it is never a "black or white" choice.
Guest blogger Ayliea Holl: I've been asked to write "our side" of the story for terminating a pregnancy due to T-21 with known health issues. This is my story in much abbreviated form.
I was 39 when I found out I had severe endometriosis, and I underwent a laparoscopy and six months of Lupron treatment to combat it. After completing my treatment, I found myself pregnant at the age of 40. Due to my age, I planned to have prenatal testing, and knew ahead of time if there were severe problems with our child, we would consider termination. We knew this because my niece is severely mentally handicapped; we knew the struggles and health issues she faced, and did not want to put our child through that.
We were building a vacation home in Belize, and planned to go there one day after my amnio. I never thought there would be any problems with my amnio -- I only expected to learn the sex of my child, whom I thought would be a boy. I was wrong on both counts.
When we returned from Belize, I anxiously awaited the call from my doctor's office. The call came, and it was terrible news. My baby, my daughter, had T-21. The doctor also confirmed that during the amnio's sonogram, they saw signs of heart and digestive problems. Ultimately, I was told by three doctors that there was very little chance that my daughter would make it full term, and if she did, she would need heart surgery and surgery to repair her digestive tract. Even then, there were no guarantees she would survive. We researched her chances and ultimately chose to spare her a life filled with pain and surgery. We chose to offer her peace. We chose to terminate the pregnancy.
The choice to end your dearly wanted pregnancy is so heartbreaking. It is very personal; it is never a "black or white" choice. It is based on the knowledge of the severity of the health issues; resources and family support available long-term; and impact on the entire family, in addition to grave concerns over the quality of life of the resulting child. No one can know what choice they will make until they are faced with it. No one can judge the person making that choice because they don't know until they are faced with it exactly what they will do. Walk a mile in our shoes. You may decide differently than you think you would. I know I did.
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What you mean to say is that you were unwilling to support your baby in utero and still form a loving bond with her. You felt that it was in your hands to kill her. God’s love for you blessed your family with life. Instead of doing all that could be done and letting the Lord take if He felt it was necessary, you took life into your own hands. I am sorry that she was ill, but she still deserved a chance. She didn’t ask for this problem and she certainly didn’t ask to be killed. I’m sorry you were faced with this and I’m sorry you chose to terminate her life.
@Nicole - WOW - you think you could show a little compassion? a little less judgment? i’m sure you are perfect and make all the right choices!
Oh Nicole—since you obviously have God in your life, let me leave you with these words…
Judge not, lest ye be judged. Matthew 7:1
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. John 8:7
Think before you open your mouth (or start typing). Me
I agree with Nicole I have people in my family that have kids with disabilities and it’s a long road but they deserve a chance just as much as the next and hopefully this person doesn’t have anymore kids because it sounds like if they are not perfect then she will probley kill them to.
I am so sorry you went through such a horrile ordeal. It had to be unbelievably heartbreaking to make such a decision. Personally, I don’t believe in terminating regardless of situation but I certainly feel sorry for the pain you’ll always hold in your heart for your little girl.
Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I were in your same position and know the deep horrible sadness and pain involved in your decision. I have always believed I mothered Ozzie (our son) in the best and only way I could.
Love and Light to you and your family.
I would have done the exact same thing if I were in your shoes. I had amnios on my two children due to a chromosome switch I have and they have the samething but this switch of chromosomes does nothing but make it hard to get pregnant and not miscarry. You did the right thing by not burdening the state with another T-21 baby that no ones wants to take care of once they get older and have to be put into a home.
I’m sorry for what you were faced with. I do wonder though… if you were somehow able to predict that your child would end up with cancer, go through chemo, surgeries, etc and ultimately there was no guarantee for surviving through the cancer then would you terminate that baby? Would you feel that child didn’t deserve a chance at life because of what they’d face? What if your child someday gets hit by a car and needs to face surgeries to repair the injuries and would even have impaired mental functions because of the trauma faced in the car accident? Would you wish you’d terminated that child early on versus facing what you will now with a child who has special needs? I don’t see much of a difference between that and a baby who is born with problems that they may or may not survive through. None of us have a guarantee on our child’s health but I don’t think that child deserves any less of a chance in life because of it. I also find it extremely sad that you went into the pregnancy with the plan to have prenatal testing done and knowing that you’d considering killing that child if there were severe problems. It is you who had the advanced age that made complications more likely. It wasn’t your child’s fault, but that’s exactly who paid the price the most. At that age given the higher chances of problems that you obviously weren’t willing to accept you should have adopted instead. Going into a pregnancy knowing you may kill your baby is very sad. Adopt instead. At least then you know the health of the child you are getting… of course like with any child there is no guarantee on the future of their health….
While I think a child should have a chance at life regardless I would at least be more understanding if the child had zero chance of surviving or were to be born with no brain or some of these absolutely tragic things that some parents face. Down Syndrome? I have known many wonderful children with Down Syndrome, often who have had surgeries like the one your daughter would have faced, and they are wonderful, lively and adorable children. The idea that they could have been killed without a chance is very sad.
I didn’t write this story to be judged. I wrote it to show the other side of the “where have all the Down syndrome babies gone.” I am one of the 92% that DID terminate for T-21. Not because my daughter wasn’t perfect, but because we knew she had very little chance of living through multiple surgeries - IF I had even been able to carry her to term. The FACT is that MANY pregnancies that are diagnosed as T-21, do have additional health issues. It wasn’t just the fact that my daughter would have Down syndrome, it was the fact that IF she lived to birth, she would most likely die during one of the many surgeries that was in store for her. As her parent, how could I put her through so much pain and suffering? It was a choice to either let her suffer and most likely die at or shortly after birth, or give her peace. I chose to give her peace. It is NOT for ANY of you to judge me. That is NOT your right. I wrote this to give a voice to the THOUSANDS of women who go through making a “Heartbreaking Choice” every year. If you don’t like my choice, you don’t have to make it. But please, keep your judgment to yourself. Unless you are faced with this choice, you can NEVER say what you would do.
Writing this story obviously opens you up to criticism. The hand you were dealt was hard, and either path would be heartbreaking. Many people though do not believe in ending a life regardless of the reason so sharing your story, while you will get people who have gone through it and appreciate the story, you are also going to get those who have strong feelings about ending the life of a child. If you don’t feel up to the criticism (I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it) then I suggest you request Mom Logic to take down your story. The story will just cause comments based on strong feelings either way. Feelings that people have every right to share but naturally are hard on you. If it were me, I’d take the story down and spare myself the criticism, or perhaps make the choice not to read the comments as hard as that would be. I think for most it would be too hard to open yourself up to those comments. If you can, good for you, but I know I would want to be spared the varying opinions of others since your heart is naturally already breaking. I don’t personally agree with you but hugs to you for the breaking heart you will always have.
There but for the grace of God go I. Thank you for sharing your story. I think I would make the same decision you did, and feel blessed that I haven’t had to make that call. I am not judging you at all, and hopefully your story will bring comfort to those who’ve made the same decision.
Me, while of course I don’t like the criticism (no one would) I chose to make my story public so that others would know the side of the 92% that DO choose to terminate for T-21, and for other severe or fatal prenatal diagnoses. I can handle the criticism, but I don’t approve of judging ANYONE. I don’t judge those who choose to carry ANY pregnancy diagnosed as severe or fatal to term - that is the choice of the individual parent. Each parent must make their own decisions and no one, absolutely NO ONE has the right to judge another human being unless they have walked in their shoes.
Nicole is right. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the right decision has the hardest road to travel. Sometimes we have to reach outside of our own strength and depend on God. Sometimes life isn’t easy. And everytime you choose to publish your story, people will comment and judge.
I am not perfect and do not make all the right decisions. I, too, have had an abortion. It took a long time for me to heal from the emotional and mental affects of that decision. I know now that no matter what, abortion is never the right choice. I have a lot of compassion for her and I feel deeply sorry for her. I know that she must be going through a lot mentally and emotionally.
I read your article with some dismay. You don’t seem to feel your niece’s life is worth living which is sad enough but you should always bear in mind that Down Syndrome is a mild to moderate learning difficulty so your child would NOT have been severely handicapped.
I truly hope that you researched the bowel and possible heart conditions that the doctors said your daughter had - as many many many of them are totally fixable. Just because your surgeon said they were life threatening does not mean that anything like that was likely to have happened - often surgeons are told to give you the worst case scenario because they do not want babies with Down Syndrome born- simple as that - its eugenics by the back door.
Of course terminating if your daughter really did have no chance of life was the right thing to do, but what I’m trying to say is NEVER EVER take one professional’s word for it - they often have their own agendas. Go out and do your own research - speak to parents whose children have had the conditions - find out for yourself.
There is NOTHING more important in this world than life itself - so these decisions to terminate should never ever be taken lightly.
Whether you decide to terminate or not - neither is the “easy” option and you will be living with your decision for the rest of your life.
Jenny, if you had really read my story you would see that I DID get three opinions. As for my niece, my brother-in-law supported our decision 100% and said that if he had known prenatally that his daughter would be as severely physically and mentally handicapped as she is, he would have made the same choice. The right choice for me is not going to be the right choice for everyone. Period. I published my story so that the other 92% of those that DO choose to terminate for Down syndrome will have a voice. It isn’t just for those who have chosen to terminate for Down syndrome. What about the babies that have anencephaly, or severe hydrocephalus? These children don’t have ANY chance at life - even less than my daughter had. Sometimes, the truth is that terminating a much wanted pregnancy IS the kindest thing a parent can do for their child. Truth is that not EVERY human on this planet can handle what “God” gives them. That is why we have free will and that is why we have choice. Don’t hate me or those who have made this choice because it is not the choice you would make - rather, find a way to have compassion for those that find themselves in the position of having to make this kind of choice. Believe me, I NEVER thought I would have an abortion until I was faced with this decision. Until YOU are faced with it, you will never, NEVER understand. I don’t regret my decision - I only regret that I had to make a decision. Like I have said, until you have walked in my shoes, or the shoes of the woman who has been in this position, you can NOT say what choice you would make. Unless YOU experience it for yourself, no matter what you say,you can not possibly know what you would do.
Thanks so much for posting your article. Carrying a pregnancy to term or choosing to end a pregnancy are both huge challenges. I hate that any Mum stands at such a crossroads. I wish people could respect and learn from their differences here at mom logic but it is hard for some to listen. I am glad you shared your story because we don’t hear this side.
You know people who post the “You’re playing God” crap of just that, full of it. Frankly who are they to even post that stuff? If in fact these actions are wrong and bad (not like the technology isn’t a gift from God Himself) then isn’t it up to God to be the judge in the end? Are we to sit here and tell people how this or that is wrong, is that our job? Or is it God’s? Me thinks it’s God’s.
I happen to believe that these tests, technologies, and procedures are all blessings given to us by the Lord. To limit the Lord is to limit His greatness. I’m surprised people do it.
As far as I can tell, the dissenting comments haven’t been that judgemental. No one has said you’re going to hell, or that you’re a bad person or mother. Any assumptions or conclusions you draw from the comments are just that - assumptions that YOU make. Everyone has been pretty respectful thus far. ?
I will NOT judge you.