Marital Mess: Our sex life had been in hibernation for years. He was always "too tired" or too angry or too silent. I'm 36 years old and my hormones were raging like a caged animal. No way was I going to spend my sexual prime sitting on the sidelines with a vibrator.
After our separation, I felt a huge awakening. A total high. I was glowing. I was unafraid and empowered. I think I lost my mind for a minute. I dated. I had sex. I found a friend in a similar situation and we bonded over our unsuccessful marriages and found comfort in one another's bodies.
My energy shifted monumentally. Work flourished like never before. Parenting felt like a joy and a privilege. The change from the life I had been leading in my marriage, which can only be described as living with the volume turned waaay down, was clear. I felt alive and liberated and hopeful. Our 2-year-old son adjusted to the separation better than anyone and would never remember Mommy and Daddy together. This rocked!
Fast forward three months. I'm not glowing anymore. Work is still good. I've chosen to stop seeing other people to focus on ending my marriage. I've gone from the glow of the Big O to the sobering reality of the Big D. I cry a lot. The thought of extricating our lives from one another is completely overwhelming and incredibly sad. Just figuring out how to have separate households without shackling ourselves with debt is enough to bring on an ulcer. Not to mention child support, lawyers, our house, how to handle the holidays ... I haven't been 10 feet from the toilet this morning because my intestines are in knots.
Wouldn't it just be easier to avoid all this and stay married? Can I go back? I wasn't happy in our marriage, but let's just be honest here, who really is? Was it unrealistic to expect that we could still love and desire each other after a decade together, a 2-year-old, and his recovery from alcohol and drug abuse? It wasn't working, but maybe if I just tried harder ...
Oh hell no. Life is messy. I am finally acknowledging my own needs. I don't regret the choices I made to have sex during our separation. I needed to be reminded that I am sexy, that I am a woman and that there's nothing wrong with desiring sex and being desired. My needs weren't getting fulfilled in our marriage, no matter how many times I asked or how hard I worked on it. I've come to accept this: I'd rather be lonely alone than lonely in my marriage.
If I could go back and do it over again, would I have made the same choices? Ideally, I should have waited until we were divorced to explore other options, but I didn't. And so I'm dealing with the fallout the best I can in the hopes that I'll find my glOw again and live my life with the volume turned waaay up.