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The Affair That Wasn't

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What do you do when you can't stand to be without someone? Do what I did: Go for it!

man whispering to woman

Wife #2: Most people think Patrick and I had a torrid affair for months. They assume that because we left our spouses for each other. It's a reasonable assumption, since that's probably what most often happens. But not in our case: ours was the affair that wasn't.

Here's how it went:

We fell in love. We were both married with kids. 

Our first thought was, there's just no way -- too much hurt and disruption. We naively believed we could walk away. 

Patrick came up with the idea that we would wait until we were 60 years old, get the kids raised, then finally be together.

"Absurd," I told him. But we laughed over it -- then sadly resigned ourselves to continuing on as JUST friends. 

The truth was, we could barely stand to be apart for a few days, let alone another 25 years.  

Patrick called me at work one winter afternoon and asked to meet for coffee, insisting he had something important to tell me.

I proposed a beer instead. Seemed to me anything he had to say would be better uttered over a cold draft than a hot latte.

When we sat down, he looked at me with those piercing green eyes and said, "I love you. I can't stand it. I've never done this before, but I think we should have an affair."

I promptly spilled my beer all over his lap. In eight years of marriage, I had never so much as held another man's hand.

Once I regained my composure and summoned my inner smart-ass, I asked, "What do I get in this affair? Do I get jewelry, lingerie, what?" I wasn't actually looking for answers to those questions, just trying to defuse the moment.

(Readers who may be contemplating this yourselves -- let me pause for a footnote and give you the answers: You will get lingerie. You will get jewelry. You must prepare to lose EVERYTHING ELSE!)

I didn't respond to Patrick that night. Instead, I left and did what most sensible wives desperately in love with another man would do: I went home and threw myself at my husband. I hoped sleeping with him would somehow erase or at least stall what was happening. 

The affair started the very next day.

Patrick kept saying, "Five years. We'll do this for five years. Then we'll tell them."

Another week went by. "I will never make it five years. How about two years?" he said. 

Week three amounted to, "How about now? Does now work for you?" Because in week three, Patrick told his wife. And I told my husband.

Most people who leave their spouses for each other probably have a plan. They probably drain checking accounts, move assets, create intricate webs of double lives. 

We did none of that. There was no game plan. No contingency. We just loved each other, couldn't bear deceiving our spouses, and bumbled our way into blowing up our lives.  

I remember one close girlfriend suggested we just have the affair and never say a word -- scratch the itch and be done with it. The problem was, there was no being done. No matter how short or long our time together, it was never enough.

I know this doesn't make what we did honorable. But I have to ask: Would it be more honorable to live a lie? Would it be more honorable to let your children grow up witnesses to a crumbling but intact marriage? I don't see anything honorable in that.

next: Grown-Up Sleepovers?
37 comments so far | Post a comment now
Rachel December 1, 2009, 4:43 AM

Seriously? We just read a different version of a story that’s already been published twice on this site. “Wife #2” sure writes a lot - like she needs validation, when she’s previously indicated that she’s very comfortable with her new relationship. What’s the deal with the regurgitations, Momlogic? Budget cuts?

PlumbLucky December 1, 2009, 4:47 AM

Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, toots.

PlumbLucky December 1, 2009, 4:49 AM

Honorable? Would you quit looking for honor in what you did? Please? You and Patrick deserve each other. And kudos for not teaching your children to live a lie; you instead taught them that vows mean NOTHING when something better comes along. What, no mention of the “abusive bully” first husband here?

Helen December 1, 2009, 4:57 AM

again?! :\ i had to chuckle when i saw *another* post from you. agree with the the previous two posters.

Roxana December 1, 2009, 5:08 AM

“The affair that wasn’t” - Yeah right. Why have you spent so much time trying to convince us your affair was not an affair and somehow justified? Why does it seem like you are more concerned about what WE think and seem less concerned about how your children feel or what they think?! Your priorities and judgement are seriously out of whack. Although I must say I do get a good laugh from reading your delusional blog articles. So, keep writing but don’t ever expect me to take you seriously.

Anonymous December 1, 2009, 6:08 AM

thats fine that you got divoriced, whatever, children shouldn’t grow up in a loveless marriage, BUT you shouldn’t have cheated on your husband. at the point you decided to have an affair or at the point you decided that you didn’t love your husband you should have asked for a divorice. by having sex with another man (and not being separated or divoriced) you cheated…no matter how you cut the cheese, you CHEATED! it doesn’t matter that it was only for 3 weeks, you cheated. you should have told him before the affair started that you wanted a divorice. there was a better way around the situation. yeah, a divorice would hurt your husband and your family buta divorice because you couldn’t keep your legs closed is alot harder (even for the children) to get past. just remember, he (your new boyfriend/fiance) cheated with you, he’ll do it on you. and same for you. you say now that he is perfect and you are SO in love and that will never happen, but i bet 8 years ago when you married your now soon to be ex-husband you said the same thing, and look where you are now!

Anonymous December 1, 2009, 6:11 AM

the affair that wasn’t???? hello, you said the affair lasted 3 weeks! an affair is a affair is a affair!

chris December 1, 2009, 7:32 AM

I wish this woman would just STFU. No one on this site really cares to hear your stupid reasons for why you HAD to have an affair. No one falls in love in 3 weeks…maybe lust but not love. Are we gonna have to hear every week from you? You have now had your say so please just go away!!!

Katie December 1, 2009, 8:36 AM

If Wife #2 feels so justified in what she did, why doesn’t she post her real picture at the bottom like a lot of the bloggers do?
She keeps adding to her story to get sympathy, but yet, doesn’t want anyone to recognize her.

Barb December 1, 2009, 9:17 AM

Isn’t this story contradictory to the one we heard last time? And the time before that?

tennmom December 1, 2009, 9:37 AM

Perhaps the “author” thinks her man’s ex-wife reads this site.
It would have been honorable to wait until they were both legally seperated or divorced before laying a hand on each other. Adulterers, the both of them.

Anonymous December 1, 2009, 9:53 AM

i would love to hear from wife #1

GO AWAY!! December 1, 2009, 9:53 AM

Damn, just STFU already!! You may get a few people who validate what you did but for the most part, readers at this site will never validate your self-centered ego. Shame on Momlogic, for repeatably giving this woman a platform. I said it before and I will say it again, there are plenty of mom bloggers out there, that you should never have to repeat articles or put up trash like this one just to get comments.

Jen December 1, 2009, 9:58 AM

Yep. I liked the other two posts better. Don’t post your picture. Those posts are crazy. Your kids can’t end up reading this stuff. I’m worried about my husband from time to time, but I have to say ladies - I stay on top of it. I’m really aware of new women in his office etc. An acquaintance’s husband left her for the au pair. What a jerk! I mean who would want to keep that guy - on the other hand, I don’t have cute babysitters around. But from your posts I’m getting that you can’t be prepared for everything.

Gigohead  December 1, 2009, 10:05 AM

Why is this SAME story up again? Is it a a slow story day? If that’s the case, perhaps Momlogic can write about some of the clients in cancer and healthcare that I work for instead of hearing this utter garbage.

No one cares wife #2

Give it a rest.

Rhon December 1, 2009, 12:07 PM

Once a cheater always a cheater!! Write another story when it happens to you this time!!

samantha December 1, 2009, 1:08 PM

I wish you would go away. Nobody here feels that you have any honor. The affair that wasn’t-WAS. You hurt your spouses, children and extended families. Now deal with it. No woman will ever trust you and for good reason(yes, honor and character) and if you are smart you shouldn’t trust husband #2 either. He left a wife and children because the grass seemed greener but I give it 2 years tops before the sad realization of child support, step children and blending a family causes him to step out on you too. Write about that when it happens maybe we can offer you some slack then.

chris December 1, 2009, 1:08 PM

Right on Gigohead…how about stories that empower women, how about real stories about taking care of ourselves -mind, body and spirit. When I first came upon this site the post had more meaning to them. Now the post seem to lack a certain importance to motherhood and issues relating to motherhood and just being a woman. I would love more postitive posting.

Chrissy December 1, 2009, 1:58 PM

Wow. Talk about revising history.
Three blog post later and it’s now wasn’t an affair.
Second post you try to justify your affair by saying your husband was emotionally abuse - a fact, some would say an important fact, that you didn’t mention in the first blog.
Instead you stated that he and your Husband #2’s ex were being horrible to the both of you. (Imagine that! A woman finds out her “friend” -your word- screwing her husband and leaves is ACTUALLY upset over it.)
Please spot embarrassing herself.

tennmom December 1, 2009, 5:14 PM

If mom logic is running out of material worth reading, I will gladly post some material worth reading at a reduced rate. They can contact me any time ;)

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