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The Childless Bitch on Holiday Travel

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I am about to get on a plane to travel cross-country. To plan for this painstaking day, I thought it would be appropriate to speak to the mothers of the world who will be joining me, along with their screaming, coughing, drooling children.

woman on a plane

Childless Bitch: Listen, I get it -- it's hard being a mom ... blah blah blah. Working down the hall from the momlogic offices, I hear it all the time. Fine. I get it. I definitely get that traveling has got to be the worst of all mommy duties. But face it -- you chose to have children, and now you are choosing to transport them.

I am just an innocent, single, non-disturbing airline passenger who, like you, had to pay a ridiculous price for an airline ticket. And let me be clear: I am not choosing to go on an exotic vacation with my three hot Italian boyfriends during this holiday time (a false sense of reality mommies often construct about life as a single person). Instead, I am being forced to join my quasi-loved ones in a small town on the opposite side of the country.

All I'm asking for is a little courtesy. None of us want to be trapped in an airport, stuck on a train, or tortured in traffic on the road. To make it a little easier on all of us, I have devised a quick list of Single Person-Friendly Traveling Rules for moms to keep in mind while traveling this weekend.

1. If you end up sitting next to me on the plane, you owe me a drink and/or an Ambien. Both are preferred.

2. Just because the terminal waiting area is carpeted does not mean this is your child's play room.

3. While you are on your cell phone and cannot hear your child, I can.

4. It's great that you find your child hilarious but ... no one else does.

5. Knowing you have to go through airport security with a gang of children, plan ahead. Don't look surprised to find out you have to remove all five pairs of shoes on all 10 of your children's feet. I manage to take my jewelry and belt off before getting to the front of the line. All I ask is, work it out.

6. If your son is over the age of 2, I don't want to see him leaving a women's restroom stall -- one which I surely will have to use.

7. Starbucks is a special place. The airport Starbucks, in particular, is no place for a child. Move it to McDonald's.

8. Just because you have a child in a middle seat does not grant you the right to take over my aisle seat.

9. Diapers should not be changed in places where I can watch it happen.

10. Last, but not least, please remember the Chili's To Go at the airport is a bar before anything else -- please be respectful.

next: Spread Budget-Friendly Holiday Cheer
26 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jenny December 22, 2009, 4:37 AM

*sigh* same as last year…can we get some new material please?

Anonymous December 22, 2009, 5:42 AM

#6 - are you suggesting that i let my 3 year old got to the men’s room by himself?

Anonymous December 22, 2009, 9:29 AM

A child writing about children; how ironic.

Anony Mouse December 22, 2009, 9:33 AM

“…I am being forced to join my quasi-loved ones in a small town on the opposite side of the country.”

Forced? No no no, you chose to move away from them to the other side of the country and you are now choosing to fly back there.

Anonymous December 22, 2009, 9:35 AM


Anonymous December 22, 2009, 9:35 AM


Anon December 22, 2009, 9:35 AM

to be fair, it’s an honest fear that a young child can be attacked while in the bathroom by himself. Traveling is a stressful time for everyone and airports are busy places. No one wants to worry about their young children’s safety on top of that.

Anonymous December 22, 2009, 9:44 AM

#2. When you’re waiting for a plane, kids get restless and they’ll start to fidget, run, scream, cry etc. If they want to play on the floor and that keeps them happy and quiet, then I’m going to let them play on the floor.

#6. Yeah, let’s let the three-year-old go into the men’s room by himself so he can be molested and kidnapped. Good idea.

If there’s a single-mother situation, you can expect to see boys up to age six or seven using the women’s restroom. Get over it.

#7. Moms need coffee, too.

#9. When it’s only pee just get over it. Taking an infant into the bathroom just to change a wet diaper, especially with other kids in tow, can be more trouble than it’s worth.

Rod December 22, 2009, 9:44 AM

Sad, I am a father. I have traveled with young children and will older children and with b!tch3s like you. Give me a young child anyday.

#1. you knew children would be on the plane as well plan ahead and get a drink and take the damn pill.
#2. It is better to let them work off some steam while they can. If you let them play they might sleep on the plane. I am sure you would appreciate that.
#3. Agreed.
#4. Actually most people find children vary hilarious. Perhaps you should try to look at the world through their eyes. It might give you a new perspective.
#5. Have you ever by chance tried pushing rope or herding cats? Give it a try once. Mom’s who can handle 5 children. Wow! my praise to them. Of course I am a Dad I can handle 5 children.
#6. There is no way on God’s green earth that any self respecting mother would ever allow her child under age 6 go into the men’s bath alone. and even from 6 till 15 will be worried sick about them. I am the same way about my daughters. Get over it. Not at all open for discussion.
#7. Oh just shut up. Seriously???
#8 and #9 I agree with you. Especially 9. Diapers need to be changed in the bathroom. period. Not on the floor, not on a seat. Not on your lap or anywhere near anyone else.
#10. See #7.

None December 22, 2009, 9:55 AM

Lots of people were offended by this I guess…

Kids are not naturally crazy - believe it or not - this is a new, cultural phenomenon.

If yal can’t handle your children in a civilized manner, you shouldn’t be bringing them through public places.

And if you have to leash your children, you just plain should not have any.

Charlotte December 22, 2009, 12:56 PM

so boaring can we get someone new…. same old same old from the uneducated.

tennmom December 22, 2009, 1:56 PM

I suppose this post does “boar” ? into the minds of some parents, but I see her point and agree with most of it.
No one should be subjected to the ill behavior of our children besides us.
I have an almost 12 year old daughter and an almost 10 year old daughter. Either by luck, the Grace of God, or good parenting my daughters have NEVER annoyed other people in public. I feel blessed! On the other hand, even though I am a parent, I have little patience for the “little darlings” (using the term VERY loosly) of doting parents who either ignore the behavior of their demon offspring or consider it to be oh-so-precious. gag. If your children can’t behave, keep them HOME where YOU can enjoy EVERY SECOND of their preciousness without subjecting other people to it. Gah!

tanyetta December 22, 2009, 6:43 PM

you are funny! surely this is meant for comedy relief! LOL

Charlotte December 22, 2009, 7:31 PM

tennmom…oh never mind just not worth it!!!!!

Anonymous December 22, 2009, 7:42 PM

I wish for you in the upcoming year, triplets. Happy Holidays and safe travels.

Tori December 22, 2009, 10:22 PM

Please lady grow up. I myself am 18 years old and was not raised in some family where there were 20 kids running around and I deal with children on a daily basis being that I work as a nanny. It is cold, bitter people like yourself that have made this world what it is… pity. You were a child once, get over it!

Annoyed December 23, 2009, 3:36 AM

It’s kind of funny but she presents herself as “I am just an innocent, single, non-disturbing airline passenger…” but she’s talking about kids. I think she’s just bitter because once a man gets to know ‘the REAL her’ no one wants to stay with her. She so self absorbed in her little world that she actually had to sit down (wasting her precious time) to complain about a few hours on a plane.

And she’s right, she’s not on her way to an exotic vacation- because if she was there WOULD BE NO KIDS. (hint hint) If you don’t like the ride and the destination why the heck are YOU going then? But I suppose it would be asking too much for a very SIMPLE SINGLETON to think past her horrible little existence and have some compassion for others. Good luck being a spinster!

Anonymous December 23, 2009, 5:30 AM

You think because you’ve had kids it gives you the right of way in all situations, you can do what you want because hey it’s kids and everyone should love them, and there’s something wrong with anyone who doesn’t. Well I do like kids, the problem is with parents like you, I feel sorry for your children because with you as role models they’ll turn into the same small minded parasites, as will their children after them. You’re a bunch of selfish t**ts, in the same category as dog owners who let their pets s**t in the streets and leave it for some other unfortunate to deal with. Me me me me me, even your children are there just for you, happily ignoring them when it suits you and screw anyone who is inconvenienced by their resulting boredom. Your kids will grow up to be just as stupid, selfish and spiteful as you, and soon the whole world will be filled with your disgusting kind. The only comfort I get from this is you’ll then be forced to deal with each other, rather than p**ing on nice people who try to consider others. I’d call you animals if that wasn’t a disservice to animals.

Jillian December 24, 2009, 7:27 AM

Maybe next time after you take off your one bracelet and see a mother struggling you could give her a hand. You may want to give drinks to your family as gifts if they are going to be spending any time around you.

b December 24, 2009, 9:19 AM

First, what happened to the holiday spirit and the idea of peace on earth, good will to man? Second, i’d venture to say that most people do the best they can with their children. Giving us the evil eye and making snide remarks only fuels the fire when we do have babies who have meltdowns. It’s humiliating and only exacerbates our own feelings of frustration. Believe me, no mother wants to listen to her child scream just for fun. All we can do is the best we can do. Before you go passing out judgment that we’re neglectful, selfish, disinterested, doting, pacifistic, or clueless, why don’t you just give us the benefit of the doubt that we are doing our best. And if you feel that you have something that may be helpful to offer, feel free to ask if you can help. And if not, then just be glad that you’re not the one who has to deal with it and let it go.

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