I am about to get on a plane to travel cross-country. To plan for this painstaking day, I thought it would be appropriate to speak to the mothers of the world who will be joining me, along with their screaming, coughing, drooling children.
Childless Bitch: Listen, I get it -- it's hard being a mom ... blah blah blah. Working down the hall from the momlogic offices, I hear it all the time. Fine. I get it. I definitely get that traveling has got to be the worst of all mommy duties. But face it -- you chose to have children, and now you are choosing to transport them.
I am just an innocent, single, non-disturbing airline passenger who, like you, had to pay a ridiculous price for an airline ticket. And let me be clear: I am not choosing to go on an exotic vacation with my three hot Italian boyfriends during this holiday time (a false sense of reality mommies often construct about life as a single person). Instead, I am being forced to join my quasi-loved ones in a small town on the opposite side of the country.
All I'm asking for is a little courtesy. None of us want to be trapped in an airport, stuck on a train, or tortured in traffic on the road. To make it a little easier on all of us, I have devised a quick list of Single Person-Friendly Traveling Rules for moms to keep in mind while traveling this weekend.
1. If you end up sitting next to me on the plane, you owe me a drink and/or an Ambien. Both are preferred.
2. Just because the terminal waiting area is carpeted does not mean this is your child's play room.
3. While you are on your cell phone and cannot hear your child, I can.
4. It's great that you find your child hilarious but ... no one else does.
5. Knowing you have to go through airport security with a gang of children, plan ahead. Don't look surprised to find out you have to remove all five pairs of shoes on all 10 of your children's feet. I manage to take my jewelry and belt off before getting to the front of the line. All I ask is, work it out.
6. If your son is over the age of 2, I don't want to see him leaving a women's restroom stall -- one which I surely will have to use.
7. Starbucks is a special place. The airport Starbucks, in particular, is no place for a child. Move it to McDonald's.
8. Just because you have a child in a middle seat does not grant you the right to take over my aisle seat.
9. Diapers should not be changed in places where I can watch it happen.
10. Last, but not least, please remember the Chili's To Go at the airport is a bar before anything else -- please be respectful.