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What's with Your Vegan Baby?

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I love my town, but the contest to get as natural and close to the earth as possible is making it Crazytown.

child eating broccoli

Katie Wisdom Weinstein: We have loads of hipster doofus parents making vegan babies. I know, I know, is there anything cuter than a skinny baby with a lil' case of rickets? Those sweet little yellow teeth come in and the little cute weaklings take over the world. Please.

I respect an adult's choice. If you want to guzzle soy milk and chow down on grain patties -- dude, that is all you. If you want to call your baby Lotus and decorate cookies with crushed cochineal beetles, be my guest.

Hey! I am into non-toxic. I promise not feed my kids the new Zhu Zhu poisonous hamster. I am not into corn syrup laden goodies, or frozen steakcicles. Hey! Woa! I do love the environment, and we do our best to combat energy consumption, waste and wanton meat eating. But, my kids are shrimps, so, from day one, getting enough proteins and vitamins was a huge concern. No vegan babies for us. And do not get me started on the uber-Christian Hallelujah diet. That's right, you far left-wing liberal vegans, you. You share some oddly similar traits with this group of neo-Christian zealots.

Portland people really make it look fun, though. It is a vegan blowout here -- grocery stores, restaurants, food carts and t-shirts. No more "I'm with Stupid" t-shirts, these are "Soy Cheese Forever" numbers, screen printed with eco-non animal dye, proclaiming their superior status over us heathen (gasp!) Omnivores. I am not sure how all these hipster vegans would feel if all these specialty stores went out of business, though. Kinda hard to maintain the strict veganism without the neighborhood co-op or Whole Foods. What would you talk about so loudly in the coffee shop? I am not sure I have met a modest vegan.

But I digress. Let's visit the Vegan Child's future. The lunch table? Ouch. Does the lil' Veg' look longingly (but kinda low, with the weak neck muscles) at all the kids who get to drink that thick, viscous, chocolate milk? Will they go to a playdate and accidentally cram a Twinkie in their mouth and think they have gone to heaven? Will they slather their sliced apples with honey when no one is looking? Will little Lotus eventually get the idea that everyone else is eating luxurious, melt-in-your-mouth, REAL CHEESE? Yes, yes and YES.

I know no parent wants to even wants to think about their kids taking drugs, but I am pretty sure that after smoking a little pot, those vegan teens are not craving alfalfa biscuits. No, Honey, they want Cheetoes, pizza and chocolate cake. Me too.

All right, all right. You can raise your baby any ol' way you want and I will do the same, but admit it, my meaty baby would beat the snot out of your vegan baby, yeah? "We strong meat eaters. We crack egg and laugh in face of dead baby chicken."

What? I can't hear you, I have a mouthful of dead animal. Oh stop. Don't even comment. I know that if you are a vegan and you are raising your child vegan, you all think I am a cavewoman anyway. You should come to Portland and have a real good ol' Vegan Rally.

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52 comments so far | Post a comment now
Lea December 10, 2009, 3:17 AM

Must Get To Portland…Now! :)

Robyn December 10, 2009, 8:32 AM

I find it heartbreaking and sad that one woman could be so bitter and have such a vendetta against people who choose a particular lifestyle. Being liberal and a vegan it was hard to not take offense at this ridiculous rant from someone who does not have all of the facts. All I can say is, what ever happen to live and let live??

briellis December 10, 2009, 8:36 AM

Haha. Thank you for this. I’m a far left wing liberal who is ostracized for being an omnivore. Sorry Vegans, I couldn’t be vegetarian even if I wanted to. Lovenox has given me thrombocytopenia, so bring on the red meat.

Very well said. I’m going to link this on my blog.

Debby December 10, 2009, 8:49 AM

I think if this were funny it would be in better taste. Maybe if it even had a fact or two. But I have a pretty good sense of humor and I read it and thought, “offensive AND boring, great blogging concept!”

tennmom December 10, 2009, 10:14 AM

A friend of mine went vegan a couple of years ago. Her 3 daughters were already painfully thin and had dark circles under their eyes. They are downright frightening looking now. The odd thing about it is the mom is very over weight.

Me December 10, 2009, 11:38 AM

How on earth can you be so hateful to a group of people who choose to eat a certain way? This was just a dumb ranting blog you wrote that was boring, offensive, uneducated in the average vegan lifestyle and just plain ridiculous.

A Vegan mom December 10, 2009, 12:09 PM

This was funny- I get that it was written tongue in cheek. I am vegan, my kids are not. If they choose this lifestyle (and it IS a lifestyle!)when they get older and can understand some of the choices in their own eating habits, I will support them. I HAVE seen people who are vegan and look unhealthy. I wish I could tell them to make sure they are getting the nutrition they need from their diets, but I hold my tongue. Hey! We all have opinions, and even though you may not fully understand veganism, I get it. I won’t take you too seriously!

maeby December 10, 2009, 12:32 PM

i totally agree. if you wanna be vegan, more power to you. Let your kid make the decision when they’re of age to do so. same goes with religion.

kris hardy December 10, 2009, 12:39 PM

i’m with you, katie. veganism is one of a million choices (i.e.,wearing fur, swearing, going to church, taking oneself too seriously) but one probably best made at an age when choices are actually voluntary. it seems like good common sense to feed kids a variety of healthy, whole foods so that they can grow up and make their own good decisions.

Shae December 10, 2009, 12:43 PM

FUNNY! Vegans always take themselves so seriously - lighten up have a cheeseburger be happy instead of worrying about every damn thing you put in your mouth. BTw, Im in awesome shape and workout 6 days a week so Im not against being healthy its just life is too short to never enjoy a great meal.

Christina December 10, 2009, 1:34 PM

This is hysterical! Thank you for this, will be passing it around!

Amanda December 10, 2009, 1:44 PM

You clearly haven’t the faintest clue. I feel insulted at the insinuation that my son is weak, ill, and that I am harming him because I’m some bloody stupid hippie. This is just RUDE and ASSUMING without knowing anything about what you are talking about.

Shelly December 10, 2009, 1:52 PM


Royston Langdon December 10, 2009, 8:24 PM

The important thing is the conversation. So hear here Katie….Congrats!

Jody December 10, 2009, 8:57 PM

Wow, I get that your sick of hearing the views of vegans, but what about tolerance? Calling vegans ‘doofus’ and their children ‘weak & sickly’ for not eating meat & animal products is a bit like calling the kettle black. I certainly hope that you were being tongue in cheek as the other commenters suggested but I certainly didn’t get that from your article. Pure, bitter hatred is more like it. Personally my family is vegetarian although we eat vegan as much as possible. My 2 1/2 year old son proudly proclaims his love of tofu & broccoli and will refuse sugary snacks for a banana. What parent wouldn’t want that for their child? We don’t hammer animal rights down his throat (or anyone’s for that matter) but do ask family members to respect our diets. And for other posters saying a child should make this decision when they’re old enough - what about other decisions parents make for their children - piercing their ears when they’re babies, “forcing” them into a certain religion, or deciding to circumcise a son?

coocoosmom December 10, 2009, 9:32 PM

Wow! Great Article. Veganism actually ended my relationship with my son’s dad. I couldn’t stand watching my child starve to death because ‘Daddy’ wanted to impose his views on him. So let’s get down to brass tax here. Humans are omnivores. We’ve evolved with meat in our diet. Has anyone read the ingredient list on substitute vegan friendly products? Scary.

Just remember; There’s room for all of God’s creatures, right next to the mashed potatoes.

Grandmaster G December 11, 2009, 8:59 AM

Do what you want to do with yourself, but let your kid make their own decision when they’re adults. Seriously people…


tennmom December 11, 2009, 5:55 PM

Ok, my comment mentioning the fact ‘s that a friend of mine went vegan and her 3 daughters were already painfully thin with dark circles under their eyes didn’t make it to the posts. Let’s see if this comment makes it in.

Steve December 12, 2009, 2:52 AM

Good stuff, Katie. Veganism is okay by me, but parents who punish their kids with sanctimonious veganism deserve a hot vinegar colonic. Two year-olds don’t naturally choose bananas over cookies unless they’ve been pounded over the head with some ridiculous dogma. Why? Because they’re two.

meh December 12, 2009, 4:28 AM

Fat psycho.

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