Katie Wisdom Weinstein: We have loads of hipster doofus parents making vegan babies. I know, I know, is there anything cuter than a skinny baby with a lil' case of rickets? Those sweet little yellow teeth come in and the little cute weaklings take over the world. Please.
I respect an adult's choice. If you want to guzzle soy milk and chow down on grain patties -- dude, that is all you. If you want to call your baby Lotus and decorate cookies with crushed cochineal beetles, be my guest.
Hey! I am into non-toxic. I promise not feed my kids the new Zhu Zhu poisonous hamster. I am not into corn syrup laden goodies, or frozen steakcicles. Hey! Woa! I do love the environment, and we do our best to combat energy consumption, waste and wanton meat eating. But, my kids are shrimps, so, from day one, getting enough proteins and vitamins was a huge concern. No vegan babies for us. And do not get me started on the uber-Christian Hallelujah diet. That's right, you far left-wing liberal vegans, you. You share some oddly similar traits with this group of neo-Christian zealots.
Portland people really make it look fun, though. It is a vegan blowout here -- grocery stores, restaurants, food carts and t-shirts. No more "I'm with Stupid" t-shirts, these are "Soy Cheese Forever" numbers, screen printed with eco-non animal dye, proclaiming their superior status over us heathen (gasp!) Omnivores. I am not sure how all these hipster vegans would feel if all these specialty stores went out of business, though. Kinda hard to maintain the strict veganism without the neighborhood co-op or Whole Foods. What would you talk about so loudly in the coffee shop? I am not sure I have met a modest vegan.
But I digress. Let's visit the Vegan Child's future. The lunch table? Ouch. Does the lil' Veg' look longingly (but kinda low, with the weak neck muscles) at all the kids who get to drink that thick, viscous, chocolate milk? Will they go to a playdate and accidentally cram a Twinkie in their mouth and think they have gone to heaven? Will they slather their sliced apples with honey when no one is looking? Will little Lotus eventually get the idea that everyone else is eating luxurious, melt-in-your-mouth, REAL CHEESE? Yes, yes and YES.
I know no parent wants to even wants to think about their kids taking drugs, but I am pretty sure that after smoking a little pot, those vegan teens are not craving alfalfa biscuits. No, Honey, they want Cheetoes, pizza and chocolate cake. Me too.
All right, all right. You can raise your baby any ol' way you want and I will do the same, but admit it, my meaty baby would beat the snot out of your vegan baby, yeah? "We strong meat eaters. We crack egg and laugh in face of dead baby chicken."
What? I can't hear you, I have a mouthful of dead animal. Oh stop. Don't even comment. I know that if you are a vegan and you are raising your child vegan, you all think I am a cavewoman anyway. You should come to Portland and have a real good ol' Vegan Rally.
|Katie Wisdom Weinstein is a professional modern momma. She lives in Portland, Oregon in a 100 year old house with her husband, Jess, and her two children Ruby, age 10 and Skylar, age 12. Cooking, camping, negotiating with pre-teens and allowing a zoo of animals in her house are her pastimes.|