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What's with Your Vegan Baby?

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I love my town, but the contest to get as natural and close to the earth as possible is making it Crazytown.

child eating broccoli

Katie Wisdom Weinstein: We have loads of hipster doofus parents making vegan babies. I know, I know, is there anything cuter than a skinny baby with a lil' case of rickets? Those sweet little yellow teeth come in and the little cute weaklings take over the world. Please.

I respect an adult's choice. If you want to guzzle soy milk and chow down on grain patties -- dude, that is all you. If you want to call your baby Lotus and decorate cookies with crushed cochineal beetles, be my guest.

Hey! I am into non-toxic. I promise not feed my kids the new Zhu Zhu poisonous hamster. I am not into corn syrup laden goodies, or frozen steakcicles. Hey! Woa! I do love the environment, and we do our best to combat energy consumption, waste and wanton meat eating. But, my kids are shrimps, so, from day one, getting enough proteins and vitamins was a huge concern. No vegan babies for us. And do not get me started on the uber-Christian Hallelujah diet. That's right, you far left-wing liberal vegans, you. You share some oddly similar traits with this group of neo-Christian zealots.

Portland people really make it look fun, though. It is a vegan blowout here -- grocery stores, restaurants, food carts and t-shirts. No more "I'm with Stupid" t-shirts, these are "Soy Cheese Forever" numbers, screen printed with eco-non animal dye, proclaiming their superior status over us heathen (gasp!) Omnivores. I am not sure how all these hipster vegans would feel if all these specialty stores went out of business, though. Kinda hard to maintain the strict veganism without the neighborhood co-op or Whole Foods. What would you talk about so loudly in the coffee shop? I am not sure I have met a modest vegan.

But I digress. Let's visit the Vegan Child's future. The lunch table? Ouch. Does the lil' Veg' look longingly (but kinda low, with the weak neck muscles) at all the kids who get to drink that thick, viscous, chocolate milk? Will they go to a playdate and accidentally cram a Twinkie in their mouth and think they have gone to heaven? Will they slather their sliced apples with honey when no one is looking? Will little Lotus eventually get the idea that everyone else is eating luxurious, melt-in-your-mouth, REAL CHEESE? Yes, yes and YES.

I know no parent wants to even wants to think about their kids taking drugs, but I am pretty sure that after smoking a little pot, those vegan teens are not craving alfalfa biscuits. No, Honey, they want Cheetoes, pizza and chocolate cake. Me too.

All right, all right. You can raise your baby any ol' way you want and I will do the same, but admit it, my meaty baby would beat the snot out of your vegan baby, yeah? "We strong meat eaters. We crack egg and laugh in face of dead baby chicken."

What? I can't hear you, I have a mouthful of dead animal. Oh stop. Don't even comment. I know that if you are a vegan and you are raising your child vegan, you all think I am a cavewoman anyway. You should come to Portland and have a real good ol' Vegan Rally.

next: Celeb Moms Love Fraggle Rock
52 comments so far | Post a comment now
Sarah B. June 24, 2010, 5:44 PM

I have to chime in here. This was obviously written by someone who is “educated” by perceptions rather than cold, hard facts. How about the fact that casein which makes up 80% of cow’s milk protein has been found to be cancer causing. And you berate parents for eating a plant based diet?
How about obesity in this country? I urge you, in the name of “fairness” to write an article about parents who let their kids get obese, diabetes, and get ostracized at school because they can’t fit in the desks. It could be called “What’s with your Obese Kid?”

If you think Vegan food is sparse, gross, and not at all enticing then you probably haven’t eaten any. I have had some of the most delicious, filling, yummy meals since I’ve become Vegan.

Oh, and one more thing. To insinuate that you wouldn’t raise your kids a certain way for fear of how they’ll be treated in the lunch room, is the very reason that our kids are growing up to have zero convictions and be spineless citizens. Let’s all please conform so that we don’t “make a scene.” Wow.

Christine August 11, 2010, 11:58 AM

This is a pretty ignorant article; if a parent chooses to raise their kids vegan in a healthy balanced way then there is no reason the kid would be malnourished/too thin. Not all vegans are misinformed crazy hippies. Making such ridiculous generalizations makes you seem like the one with a problem.
a seriously underwhelmed omnivorous reader

Happy Vegan November 12, 2010, 1:07 PM

This article saddens me more than anything. This is the kind of emotional hijacking that is resulting in America falling more and more behind in so many important positive categories when compared to other nations.

We don’t have tattoos, or piercing, or any other vegan stereotype. We have senior corporate jobs and are very involved in the business sector of our community.

Sure I know some unhealthy looking vegans, but how many unhealthy looking meat-eaters do you know? Vegans have to make smart choices about eating a balanced diet (with no processed foods) and exercising just like everyone else. My wife and I are vegans who get compliments in the gym everyday. We are both actually stronger since becoming vegan.

As for food, our horizons have been broadened and we have become much more adventurous since becoming vegan; in fact, we experienced some of the best meals we have ever had.

It has been a wonderful lifestyle change. I hope the author can exercise more “wisdom” in the future.

RugenickOl December 29, 2010, 12:47 AM

Hi everyone! I’m from London but am living in Berlin at the moment.
Gotta like this forum!

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logstoopsboto February 10, 2011, 8:36 PM

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Vegan Nana February 25, 2011, 5:26 PM

OMG! I have never read so much uneducated crap in all my life! I have worked in family medicine for over 25 years and I can tell you there are more unhealthy omnivores than vegetarian/vegans. In fact, we never see the vegans! The omnivores, whether they are children or adults are ridden with ailments from diabetes,cardiac/cholesterol problems, obesity, fibromyalgia,osteoporosis, arthritis and cancers and the list goes on and on and on. We have 8 year olds going thru puberty due to the hormones in the food. We have children that are HUGE!!! I have been vegetarian for 25 years and vegan for 7. I am 54 yrs old and weigh the same as I did in high school. I have no health issues and am full of energy. In fact, the patients ask me “what is your secret”? I use my “sick” days for vacation because I never am out ill despite being exposed to all sorts of viruses and germs. I am vegan for ethical reasons and my wonderful health is a terrific “side effect”. Even the old time Doctor I work is now convinced that this is the proper lifestyle to stay healthy. I now have a very healthy and smart grandson who has smart vegan parents. He is being taught to love and respect all animals, not just dogs and cats, and that eating, testing and wearing them is simply wrong .It saddens me to see the ignorance in this world.

tabletki na pryszcze April 3, 2011, 7:29 AM

It is good too read your website again dude, i see some interesting updates here…

I'm awesome, I'm Vegan. April 18, 2011, 4:55 AM

Awwww hahaha this artical is so badly written! I had to do a double take cause I didn’t know if she was serious? Ba ha ha.
For all you sorry mean sods out there who are actually dumb enough to think meat and cows milk and animal fats are good for there children? How stupid can you be.
And for all you saying we evolved eating meat? Some humans did, not all. And we also evolved doing alot if things that we no longer do today.
Black people are now aloud to sit at the front of the bus and vote now!?!? Oh wait.. That’s because we have evolved and relised that that is wrong.

Natalie  April 29, 2011, 12:29 AM

There are tons of super healthy vegan babies out there. Is this article for real? May 19, 2011, 12:04 AM

Vegan_babies.. Super :) June 3, 2011, 3:34 AM

Vegan_babies.. Slap-up :) June 5, 2011, 3:51 AM

Vegan_babies.. I like it :)

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