twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Why Lust Matters

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

I used to be one of those women who convincingly argue that lust, passion and sex just aren't all that important.

couple in bed

Wife #2: You know the conversation:

"Marriage changes things..."

"We have kids now. Sex just isn't a priority..."

"Lust fades. It's not what matters..."

I get it. I used to live that lie myself.

In my previous marriage, sex became a duty performed to keep our fragile peace afloat. It wasn't done out of passion or even love, especially in the later years. Over time, sex became less and less frequent, less and less affectionate. I checked sex off my to-do list with the same enthusiasm as the dry cleaning -- glad that's done!

Don't misunderstand me. I tried. I bought lingerie. I planned date nights. We took up doubles tennis. I thought together time would bring us together. But I couldn't force a connection in or out of bed.

After all that, I opted for resignation. I believed I could live with my tepid sex life. I assumed it's simply what happens when you've been married for years, when kids barrel into your bedroom like a small army every morning.

I was wrong.

Here's what I learned:

When you lose sex, you lose a critical part of being a couple. Sex is that precious thing you share with one person only, the bond you have to your mate that exists nowhere else in your life. It's looking across a crowded room and knowing you have with him something no one else does.

When the sex evaporated, I was left with a roommate instead of a husband. And though sex was hard to live without, what I really missed was the warmth it creates in a marriage. What I missed was that connection.

I'm sure many of you are smugly thinking I'm deluded, that the sex will drop off with Husband #2 soon enough and I'll live to eat these words. I suppose the day will come when our sex life slows down. Maybe that's even started ... if you count not having sex in public places as slowing down. But years into being Wife #2, he still rocks my world in a way no one ever has. And the crazy OMG sex has lasted far longer than ever before. We'll probably settle into married sex like everyone else but our married sex is a whole other ball game.

Why? It's not because I'm a model or he's a rock star. It's that connection. The amazing sex, the sleeping entwined all night, the constant conversations about our childrens' well being, the way he knows exactly how I take my coffee -- they all come from the same place: devotion and honesty.

So I won't let happen this time what happened before. I won't let sex and passion and love take a perpetual backseat to getting the kids to soccer practice on time.

I didn't leave my marriage because I was starved for sex. I was starved for intimacy. Think about that the next time you're about to roll over and turn out the lights instead of seizing the moment.

next: 50 Million Blinds Recalled
13 comments so far | Post a comment now
cyndi December 15, 2009, 6:59 AM

This author is 100% right—We’ve been married 28 years and it’s all about the connection. We still spot each other across the room and give each other signals. The sex is still amazing—better than when we were younger because we are so comfortable with each other that we’ll try anything once! It’s all about the intimacy—I’ve been lucky and blessed!

Slightly puke in my mouth everything I read this author December 15, 2009, 9:10 AM

I agree that intimacy in the form of passion and lust is an important part of marriage but anything that comes from this author is tainted. Yet again, she finds another excuse on why she cheated on her first husband instead of proceeding with a divorce first. When is Momlogic going to get some real bloggers that have some substance or at least take responsibility for their actions?

cyndi December 15, 2009, 9:46 AM

Didn’t realize that…sorry, have to agree with above post. If you’re miserable, get out. There’s no excuse to cheat..NONE. Now I have a bad taste in my mouth—must be puke…lol!

CC December 15, 2009, 12:35 PM

Wow… I can totally relate to this. So I went back and read all the other posts by this author and realized that she and I have a LOT in common. I left my husband a year ago, not necessarily for someone else, but because I couldn’t spend the rest of my life being berated, belittled and just plain miserable. I had been with my husband for nearly 20 years, since we were teenagers, and we’re just not the same people we once were. Over the years, he became verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. I admit that after I moved out, I began a relationship with the old friend/crush that made me realize that I didn’t have to put up with the way I was being treated, but I ended that a few months ago for a number of reasons, distance being one of them (we live on opposite sides of the country!). Sometimes I regret the things I lost - my house, financial security, etc. - but those are worth far less to me than my own peace of mind and my daughter’s happiness. I didn’t want her to grow up thinking that women should put up with being treated badly by men. And yes, my ex is bitter, but we get along for my daughter’s sake, and I would never go back. Life is complicated right now, but I’m in control and I’ve found ME again. :)

OnTheOtherSide December 15, 2009, 3:05 PM

Its funny how everyone only looks at this from the woman’s POV. I mean to the above comment on men treating women badly, not being devoted enough or considerate enough. It happens to men too. I’m a young girl and I see this happening to my uncles, and older male cousins who were raised to cook, and clean and so they married women, who are constantly abusive, if food isn’t done, or the place isn’t tidy. Both work full time but the men in the family have to do all the household chores instead. Not like they meet halfway and have both help out the way women always complain that men never do housework, but women can be massively abusive too. These women married to my male family members, talk down to their husbands, throw pots and pans at them, walk out the house at midnight, and don’t show their children, especially daughters what a strong, responsible woman should be. They show them how women can be abusive, hateful, HYSTERICAL human beings. Everyone thinks woman are natural mothers, or have maternal instincts but the truth over 49% of women do not ever have maternal instincts. I guess its important to find people who value and mirror your own values, or else you will end with either an abusive, bad influence of a husband OR wife!

Brandy December 15, 2009, 5:15 PM

Wow, all that you are saying for leaving your first husband is like how I am feeling and I did leave him for a week or two and then lost the confidence and he’s back. I tell you I have to agree, it’s not the “sex” it’s that intimacy, the connection you share and well I am not having it right now and someday, someday I will find the confidence to get it with this hubs or else I will have to find the strength to make a decision that is hard to make!

me too December 25, 2009, 9:48 AM

Everything this writer says speaks to me in a way that hard to explain, I too stayed way too long in a marriage that was horrible just because of the children and because I didn’t think that things could be better. There was no sex, caring or love.

I recently found the love of my life and the sex is spectacular because we have a deeper connection but unfortunately we were both still married. I don’t know where we’re heading, but both of us are happier people than we were and it has made a real difference in the lives of my children . Who can possibly ever think it is better to stay in a bad marriage for the children, when the example they learn is hate, negativity and a total lack of love? I think all the posters who are so judgemental should think hard about throwing stones, I would have never thought have been in a similar situation either but life is not so black and white! Sometimes, the one you are supposed to be with appears at absolutely the wrong time but there he is.

Get over it ladies! Intolerant and judgemental people like you who have no clue remind me of the dark ages or some repressed middle eastern country. Who can ever know what is going on inside another’s marriage/life/relationship? All we can hope for is to somehow find happiness. Good for Wife #2!

css January 8, 2010, 9:05 PM

I agree, lack of intimacy and affection is the root problem. If your wife is incapable of intimacy or affection, get it elsewhere.

We Get It You Like Your Husband! January 13, 2010, 10:40 AM

We get it! You are in a hot, new marriage and you two have the sort of love that sonnets are written about. This is a love so powerful that your marriage vows had to be forsaken or both of you would have drowned in the agony of being without each other. You, your husband and your intense, passionate romance dwell on a higher plain than the rest of us regular-married-types.
I thank you for sharing that your sex life has only fizzled to the point of keeping it indoors. Fascinating stuff. I’m not really sure what the point of this article is other than to remind us, yet again, that you couldn’t be happier in your amazing storybook romance.
If we promise to only leave comments reassuring you that you’re awesome will you promise to shut the hell up about your marriage(s) and start writing non-autobiographical articles? We’d really like that.

Black Iris February 13, 2010, 2:40 PM

I’m a little confused about what you’re saying here. It sounds like you and your husband drifted apart and you went along with it. You didn’t really try to fix things. Now you’re planning to keep the passion alive with the new guy. Okay, but if you couldn’t do it before, what’s changed about you now? And why didn’t you do whatever it is you’re planning to do right this time with the father of your children? Life’s too short to make everyone around you unhappy.

Basil February 18, 2010, 1:22 PM

I have read most of this writer’s posts about wife #2, ex husband, #2 husband,first love ect…. I am really confused from this post and the below excert “So I won’t let happen this time what happened before. I won’t let sex and passion and love take a perpetual backseat to getting the kids to soccer practice on time.”

Writer, instead of saying that your ex was never your real love and that husband #2 was your soul mate, like all your other posts…your saying that there was an “action” that happened between you and you ex husband that caused your sex life to become sour. Your putting other things above you and your ex’s sex life. By saying you will not let the same things happen AGAIN with the new husband leads me to think you will have to WORK at making sure this does not happen. Why are you having to WORK at it with husband #2. Husband #2 is magical, right? And again with the screw the kids attitude by saying “im getting my loving whether it means the kids are late to soccer or not” Your all over the place. Are you jealous over the unbreakable bond your husband shows to his kids over you?

Anonymous February 19, 2010, 6:48 AM

No matter how perfect you think you are together, marriage takes work and commitment. It’s not just about being in love and intimate with each other, it is acting out that love on a day to day basis. Feelings follow behavior. If you would have shown some love to your first husband, he would have reciprocated, and you would probably still be with him and in love with him today! Being unhappy and using the excuse of that in regards to your children, is no reason to leave your husband. You didn’t try to love him! You were watering the grass on the other side of the pasture instead of watering your own lawn. If you put the effort into your first marriage it could have been transformed.

Give me a break April 9, 2010, 6:01 PM

Congratulations. So you’ve realized what every 13-year-old teenage boy already knows. Do you like, want a gold star? Of course passion matters. We’ve all traded lust for perhaps stability or comfort in some relationship at some point in our lives, but most of us do learn that lust is a vital part of an adult relationship.

Back to top >>