You people are reproducing. To borrow a phrase from "Jersey Shore," you're not just "smooshing," then popping something out nine months later. No, I'm talking more like Gremlins, when you pour water on them. You mommies are reproducing a new version of yourselves -- daddies!
Childless Bitch: Dads used to be the Switzerland of all things baby-related. While the mommies instigated their attacks with endless pictures of their spawn, Facebook status updates recalling that awesome time they spent watching little Adison take a nap, and countless enlightening tales of preschool waiting lists and the magic powers of the latest version of the Diaper Genie, the dads stood on the sidelines grinning from ear to ear. But all that has changed. No longer are the dads uninvolved in boring us to death with stories of their wunderkind's latest adventure in poopie-hood -- they've been officially mommified.
I've found myself in several social situations lately where I have been cornered by an overbearing daddy, or daddy-to-be. Just last week, I met a pregnant couple out for dinner, and the dad-to-be showed up with 3-D images of his wife's alien-like fetus. Before we could even say hello to each other, the pictures were in my face, with the promise of a video version the next time he saw me. Yay?
Another dad recently trapped me in the kitchen of a house party and went on and on about the types of literature his 3-year-old appreciates. For 45 minutes. But the worst offense thus far has come from an old high school boyfriend. This former flame has gone to great lengths to transform his Facebook page into all things baby. No pics of himself, only the baby. His hobbies include "playing in the park with Jayden." You get the point. How could this person have gone from making me swoon by playing acoustic versions of Pearl Jam songs on his guitar, to making me gag by having a status update about a crib recall?? Can there be anything less sexy an ex can do?
I'm not saying daddies should revert to the Don Draper days of ignoring their kids unless it's time to yell at them, but I do think they need to ease up a bit. The mommies have the market cornered on oversharing every detail of their spawn's existence -- we (your childless friends) don't need that telecast in stereo.