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Daddy Is the New Mommy

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You people are reproducing. To borrow a phrase from "Jersey Shore," you're not just "smooshing," then popping something out nine months later. No, I'm talking more like Gremlins, when you pour water on them. You mommies are reproducing a new version of yourselves -- daddies!

Father holding her baby daughter

Childless Bitch: Dads used to be the Switzerland of all things baby-related. While the mommies instigated their attacks with endless pictures of their spawn, Facebook status updates recalling that awesome time they spent watching little Adison take a nap, and countless enlightening tales of preschool waiting lists and the magic powers of the latest version of the Diaper Genie, the dads stood on the sidelines grinning from ear to ear. But all that has changed. No longer are the dads uninvolved in boring us to death with stories of their wunderkind's latest adventure in poopie-hood -- they've been officially mommified.

I've found myself in several social situations lately where I have been cornered by an overbearing daddy, or daddy-to-be. Just last week, I met a pregnant couple out for dinner, and the dad-to-be showed up with 3-D images of his wife's alien-like fetus. Before we could even say hello to each other, the pictures were in my face, with the promise of a video version the next time he saw me. Yay?

Another dad recently trapped me in the kitchen of a house party and went on and on about the types of literature his 3-year-old appreciates. For 45 minutes. But the worst offense thus far has come from an old high school boyfriend. This former flame has gone to great lengths to transform his Facebook page into all things baby. No pics of himself, only the baby. His hobbies include "playing in the park with Jayden." You get the point. How could this person have gone from making me swoon by playing acoustic versions of Pearl Jam songs on his guitar, to making me gag by having a status update about a crib recall?? Can there be anything less sexy an ex can do?

I'm not saying daddies should revert to the Don Draper days of ignoring their kids unless it's time to yell at them, but I do think they need to ease up a bit. The mommies have the market cornered on oversharing every detail of their spawn's existence -- we (your childless friends) don't need that telecast in stereo.

next: Sexting 14-Year-Old Accused Of Child Porn
8 comments so far | Post a comment now
michelle January 29, 2010, 9:18 AM

What’s wrong with your social life that you’re spending this much time with parents? Aren’t you supposed to be out representing?

Danna February 4, 2010, 10:54 PM

Thank god YOU won’t be reproducing. I mean, I get that the whole crib recalls and playdates thing has gotten out of control, but you genuinely seem to hate children. As a single woman in your 30’s, it’s kind of a given that you’re seeing a therapist regularly (no offense, really) So why don’t you and he/she work out your issues about hating kids. In the mean time, avoid them.

Fabulicious Mama April 20, 2010, 8:00 PM

To be honest, I think you are hilarious and I love that you speak your mind. I am a true believer that if you are not cut out to be mom then don’t be one. I also agree with you. I think daddies need to start growing their kahunas again. Funny article.

Kimberley May 4, 2010, 5:13 AM

Oh, Danna. CB doesn’t hate children. (She may not like them, but she doesn’t hate them.) No, she hates that so many previously normal, interesting, cool women - and men, apparently - become insipid, self-absorbed, and one-dimensional once they have kids. I mean, yikes. That is freaking depressing to behold.

I know, I know, as a non-parent myself, I probably just don’t ‘get it’. That’s why I run this kind of stuff by my own mother (she’s awesome, by the way). Her verdict: Modern, middle-class mothers are, for the most part, totally absurd. Own it.

Anna May 5, 2010, 12:07 AM

I agree with Kimberley,it is annoying that some people lose their unique personality once they have a baby. I can think of at least one good friend of mine who has has a kid for over a year and I find it enjoyable to spend time with them still. You don’t lose your soul when you have a baby unless you chose to.

Rita May 6, 2010, 8:43 PM

That’s exactly why I don’t have alot of mommy friends, because they are just mommies. They don’t have any lives outside of their children. It’s so sad. And then they look down on me because I like to look nice, wear heels all the time, have makeup and hair done every time I go somewhere, listen to non-children’s music, and actually have a life outside of my kids! The horror! I think they believe I’m a bad mom, but honestly, I spend more time with my kids because I’m not in their face everywhere they go.

JG July 2, 2010, 9:12 AM


Kimberly, you so should frame that. ‘Nuff said.

It’s not the fact that someone is a parent (yay whooopie) it’s what happens to most people when they become parents. They just don’t see it. Unless you have a child you’re not interested in other peoples. Parents seem to forget this.

FlynnSonja December 23, 2010, 10:12 PM

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