Tomorrow morning will be day 39 of my cycle, making my period exactly one week late. I haven't been thinking much about what this means for the last few days -- I've been suppressing it. Probably because I believe that the test I take tomorrow morning will be negative, as it has been many times before. I didn't show any signs of ovulation this month, though my reproductive endocrinologist thought I did (from the ultrasound she performed mid-cycle), so maybe ... well, honestly, I don't want to think "maybe" -- I don't want to get my hopes up.
This isn't the first month I've been late, this isn't the first time I've felt nauseous and my boobs have been sore and my body's teased me. I've pictured myself pregnant, put up vision boards, written affirmations, prayed ... but too many times the signs have been, well, just wrong -- it's looked like a duck and walked like a duck and it's been a ... I don't know. Not a duck. A platypus. I'm a freaking platypus, and it really hurts being a platypus when you want to be a duck.
So I'm going to get under my nice cozy blanket (ironically, filled with down feathers), take the test in the morning, and if it's negative, I'll call the doctor. She'll probably put me on progesterone pills for seven days, and I'll finally get my period, and the whole thing will start all over again. I'm saying this calmly because I want to have control over something -- like I can actually predict the future -- but tomorrow's a big question mark. Maybe I won't feel upset. Maybe I will. But these things are certain -- I'm still going to hold my breath until I hear the microwave timer beep, walk into the bathroom with bated breath, pick up the stick, and throw it in the garbage. The thud of the plastic hitting the bottom of the can will still be loud.
How do you prepare yourself for possible disappointment? I've been an actor for the last decade and you'd think I'd be used to hearing "no" by now. But it never gets any easier.
|Julia Childless is a working actress living in Los Angeles without fertility insurance who has been trying to produce a bun in the oven for over a year.|