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I Am What I Like to Call 'Fertically-Challenged'

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Julia Childless: I've been what I like to call "fertically challenged" for over a year now. In this time, I've seen more negative tests than you can shake a pregnancy stick at.

woman dreaming of baby

Tomorrow morning will be day 39 of my cycle, making my period exactly one week late. I haven't been thinking much about what this means for the last few days -- I've been suppressing it. Probably because I believe that the test I take tomorrow morning will be negative, as it has been many times before. I didn't show any signs of ovulation this month, though my reproductive endocrinologist thought I did (from the ultrasound she performed mid-cycle), so maybe ... well, honestly, I don't want to think "maybe" -- I don't want to get my hopes up.

This isn't the first month I've been late, this isn't the first time I've felt nauseous and my boobs have been sore and my body's teased me. I've pictured myself pregnant, put up vision boards, written affirmations, prayed ... but too many times the signs have been, well, just wrong -- it's looked like a duck and walked like a duck and it's been a ... I don't know. Not a duck. A platypus. I'm a freaking platypus, and it really hurts being a platypus when you want to be a duck.

So I'm going to get under my nice cozy blanket (ironically, filled with down feathers), take the test in the morning, and if it's negative, I'll call the doctor. She'll probably put me on progesterone pills for seven days, and I'll finally get my period, and the whole thing will start all over again. I'm saying this calmly because I want to have control over something -- like I can actually predict the future -- but tomorrow's a big question mark. Maybe I won't feel upset. Maybe I will. But these things are certain -- I'm still going to hold my breath until I hear the microwave timer beep, walk into the bathroom with bated breath, pick up the stick, and throw it in the garbage. The thud of the plastic hitting the bottom of the can will still be loud.

How do you prepare yourself for possible disappointment? I've been an actor for the last decade and you'd think I'd be used to hearing "no" by now. But it never gets any easier.

next: Teen Charged With Killing Ex-Girlfriend, Trying to Commit Suicide
4 comments so far | Post a comment now
Cin January 26, 2010, 4:31 AM

Thank you for your article. My hubby and I have been trying for over a year and half. No luck. We also come from huge families and have gone through all the tests. They all say we are fine. Every month I say I’m not going to think about it…that I won’t keep my hopes up. But secretly I wish for a positive. Every month my period comes and all I can think of is failure as I’m curled up into a ball on my bed. I have a great family support and although they can’t do much but listen, I find its often not enough. If I had an explanation of our infertility it might have been better. Maybe God has a different plan for us. For now, all we can do is wait.

Suburbangranola  January 26, 2010, 12:00 PM

I hope you are! Good luck!
I can understand some of how you are feeling. My husband and I have struggled with infertility. We do have children but each and every one has been hard to get. It took us 3 years ( and a loss) to get pregnant this time. I wish you all the best.

Jillian January 28, 2010, 7:56 AM

My husband and I tried for 9 years to have a baby. I gave up and went back to school. That was five years and 2 babies ago.

Xrumer December 29, 2010, 6:15 PM

By any chance is your real name Steve?

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