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Stop Adding 10 Years to Your Face!

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Ladies, it's time to embrace aging as a lifestyle choice!

woman eating snack

JJ Virgin: Ladies, listen up. You're adding 10 years to your face without even trying. As an expert in nutrition with a Ph.D., I want to point out all the ways in which you are subconsciously stepping into a time machine that takes your kisser many years down the road.

If you want to continue looking 10 years older, keep doing the following:

1. Snack and have six to eight small meals each day. It's a great way to make sure you always keep on that extra 10-30 pounds, which means you'll get that little sag around your chin that seems to droop every year just a little bit further south. Make sure to eat your 100-cal snack packs because they'll do the job! Plus, snacking suppresses your human growth hormone, which makes you look annoyingly younger.

2. Drink tons of Cosmos and other mixed drinks. You could also use some sugary drinks in your system. Make sure to avoid a glass of pinot noir, which is an anti-aging pretty drink. Stick with the high fructose corn syrup cranberry juice cocktails.

3. Tell your husband NO in the bedroom. Don't have sex, because it is a great way to lower your stress hormones and boost your mood. Put on the granny nightgowns or old sweats and go to sleep early.

4. Walk for an hour a night. Don't complain that you never see results even when you walk for longer and longer periods of time. Avoid any burst exercise training because it will get your de-aging human growth hormone to kick in.

5. Don't make sugar your enemy. So what if it causes glycation and oxidation of your skin and ups your insulin production? It tastes good and you need it.

6. Skip that green tea. You don't want any antioxidants floating around your system. Stick to diet cola and coffee with cream, sugar, whipped cream, and a drizzle of chocolate sauce.

7. Use whatever oil is the cheapest. Forget these dumb recent studies. You don't need extra virgin olive oil or coconut oil. Use that deep yellow stuff like your mother did.

8. Hang out with stressed-out people who complain. There's nothing better than absorbing someone else's stress, because you're just too calm and don't have enough of it in your own life. Right?

Or ... you could choose to do the opposite of ALL of the above and look 10 years younger, glowing, and impossibly gorgeous. You decide!

next: Resolving to Take Me as I Am
50 comments so far | Post a comment now
Lisa R. January 5, 2010, 12:16 PM

Yikes. This article seems to be written with a nasty little slam to everyone who’s ever had a bad day or decided to say F-it for a week & do all the bad things on the list. I feel like I’ve just been scolded by my mommy & sent to my room. However, I am puzzling over the 1st one, which makes no sense to me. I get the sarcasm in telling us to eat & snack alot to stay overweight & older-looking, but then the last sentence is, “Plus, snacking suppresses your human growth hormone, which makes you look annoyingly younger.” Is that also supposed to be biting sarcasm? Because I think her point got lost & it sounds like she contradicted herself. That line tripped me up. But I get it: We are all old & fat & unattractive & it’s all our own fault. Maybe there was a better way to make her point. Although admittedly, she is a very pretty woman, based on that picture. I just think she’d be more effective with a different delivery of her message.

Madison January 5, 2010, 12:31 PM

What a poorly-written article. So eating small meals and walking are bad for you? Um, no.

Robin January 5, 2010, 12:48 PM

If the small meals are actually small and use nutrition guides properly they can help you avoid eating the bad stuff and keep blood sugar at a proper level (unlike 3 larger meals). You just have to be really aware of how much you’re actually eating during the day. If you’re turning three kitkat bars into a “meal” then it’s not going to work out so well.

I think this article would have been more effective with an upbeat tone.

I’m also a little confused that walking is bad for you? Did she mean walking as your only exercise as apposed to something like cardio?

Ashley January 5, 2010, 1:37 PM

Thanks Lisa R-i was thinking the EXACT same thing when i read that first one.

mom of 2 January 5, 2010, 2:01 PM

Since when has aging been a bad thing that no one should do. I’m sorry I’m not trying to look old beyond my years nor do I want to look 20 for the rest of my life. What I need to look 20 so I can shop at the forever 21 store and go to bars with my daughter when she’s of age. Talk to your mom or grandma aging used to be a privileged aging gracefully and made you an elder now its evil because you can’t act like a cougar.

Guest January 5, 2010, 4:49 PM

This article is terribly written.. Why so many double negatives and sarcasm?

Lisa R. January 6, 2010, 6:41 AM

Everyone seems to agree on the validity and impact of this article. And Robin makes excellent points. It’s true that it is BETTER for you to eat every 2.5-3 hours to keep your blood sugar levels even & avoid the rise & fall of blood sugar that leads to binge eating. Also, if you go too long w/o eating your body starts to think you’ll never feed it again & just stores everything as fat. Plus, it’s just irresponsible to tell anyone that walking for exercise is pointless when years of research prove otherwise. JJ, you are clearly a Virgin on this subject. Do some research!

Maria January 6, 2010, 7:55 AM

I agree! I have always heard that fast walking for 30 minutes or longer provides the same benefit for your body as jogging would…Apparently any walking done after that 30 minute minimum is when your heart rate increases enough to offer the same great benefits as other types of cardio exercise and is not so terrible for all of your joints!

Jennifer Bell January 7, 2010, 4:35 PM

I tend to be a fairly positive person, so I must say this was one of the most annoying, belittling, grumpity articles I’ve read in YEARS.

This is my first visit to this web site, and I may not return… The first article I read was about Botox and UTI’s. Is this entire site so vain and mean?

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