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Stop Adding 10 Years to Your Face!

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Ladies, it's time to embrace aging as a lifestyle choice!

woman eating snack

JJ Virgin: Ladies, listen up. You're adding 10 years to your face without even trying. As an expert in nutrition with a Ph.D., I want to point out all the ways in which you are subconsciously stepping into a time machine that takes your kisser many years down the road.

If you want to continue looking 10 years older, keep doing the following:

1. Snack and have six to eight small meals each day. It's a great way to make sure you always keep on that extra 10-30 pounds, which means you'll get that little sag around your chin that seems to droop every year just a little bit further south. Make sure to eat your 100-cal snack packs because they'll do the job! Plus, snacking suppresses your human growth hormone, which makes you look annoyingly younger.

2. Drink tons of Cosmos and other mixed drinks. You could also use some sugary drinks in your system. Make sure to avoid a glass of pinot noir, which is an anti-aging pretty drink. Stick with the high fructose corn syrup cranberry juice cocktails.

3. Tell your husband NO in the bedroom. Don't have sex, because it is a great way to lower your stress hormones and boost your mood. Put on the granny nightgowns or old sweats and go to sleep early.

4. Walk for an hour a night. Don't complain that you never see results even when you walk for longer and longer periods of time. Avoid any burst exercise training because it will get your de-aging human growth hormone to kick in.

5. Don't make sugar your enemy. So what if it causes glycation and oxidation of your skin and ups your insulin production? It tastes good and you need it.

6. Skip that green tea. You don't want any antioxidants floating around your system. Stick to diet cola and coffee with cream, sugar, whipped cream, and a drizzle of chocolate sauce.

7. Use whatever oil is the cheapest. Forget these dumb recent studies. You don't need extra virgin olive oil or coconut oil. Use that deep yellow stuff like your mother did.

8. Hang out with stressed-out people who complain. There's nothing better than absorbing someone else's stress, because you're just too calm and don't have enough of it in your own life. Right?

Or ... you could choose to do the opposite of ALL of the above and look 10 years younger, glowing, and impossibly gorgeous. You decide!

next: Resolving to Take Me as I Am
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