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Why You Shouldn't Have Sex

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What's the problem with shagging every opportunity that comes along? Plenty.

coupld on a date

Dr. Wendy Walsh: Free sex is here to stay. If you are a card-carrying member of the new millennium Girls Club, you are probably sexually active in an age where the double standard has all but disappeared. Unlike your grandmothers, you don't have to worry about getting a bad reputation, getting pregnant, or getting caught. You've got your own apartment now. And you've got the education and good sense to practice safer forms of sex. So, why not go for it every time? I mean, guys usually do.

For one big reason, ladies: No one has removed the emotional risks of sex.

First of all, know this -- in terms of a biological sex drive, men and women are wired very similarly. We all love sex. In this area we have much in common. Now, if you believe that most women must have an emotional connection before having sex, and that most men act on physical desire alone, then you're reciting cultural conventions, not biological realities. Your thinking has been programmed by a culture that is still dragging along some pre-sexual revolution remnants. The bottom line: You too can have great no-strings-attached sex. But SHOULD you? My simple answer is, not always. We are wired like men, but being liberated women isn't about acting just like men. It's about being something, well, something higher.

Now when I speak about being something higher than our cultural perception of a Don Juan, I'm not talking about being prudish, virtuous, or about being a "good girl." I'm talking about being a bad girl with boundaries. I'm talking about being a bad girl with feelings. I'm talking about learning to have great sex that not only produces an earth-shattering orgasm, but also verges on a spiritual experience. Let me explain more through these four questions.

1. Is more always better?
While I believe that a healthy dose of sexual experience is a great thing to cart into your next relationship, too much sex with too many partners doesn't make you any better at it, especially if your problem isn't sex, but intimacy. Intimacy is that strange and wonderful catch-word that describes emotional closeness, the ability to be honest, open, and vulnerable with another person. Too much unconscious sex only makes intimacy harder to achieve. Trust me. I've tried it. People used to tell me that I practiced sex like a man, and they were right. It was only when I learned to act like a gentleman that I began to get it right.

2. Is a man who is delicious on the outside always so delectable on the inside?
I know there is a resounding NO! being screamed at computer screens right now. We've all been there, girlfriends. Remember the major babe, Prince Charming who turned out to be a frog after we kissed him? Of course, the sexual experience may still have been great, but getting back to that thinking-feeling-conscious-woman thing, I ask you this: Was that yummy action between the sheets really worth the letdown that you felt when you found out the guy was actually married, a convict, a recluse, a gambler, a drug addict, a compulsive liar, a defendant in a paternity suit, a domestic abuser, or a serial killer? So, my advice? Don't have sex. Take some time with it first. Do your guerrilla research and determine if this guy really deserves your goddess-like sexual favors.

3. Is it possible to get so hung up on physical attraction that a girl could lose sight of what constitutes a good boyfriend?
It sure is. We all know women who put looks at the top of their list of important boyfriend traits. Maybe you're one of them. I certainly used to be. Okay, I admit, it's a personal battle I struggle with every day. But I'm getting better. Men's brains are becoming very sexy to me since surviving a string of hard bodies who were hard to live with. So, my advice when dealing with a major hunk of a date: Don't sleep with him! It'll cloud your judgment. Smart men learned this lesson a long time ago. Read: Men never forget the bikini model who got drunk and then got them arrested.

4. As women who are evolving spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually, do we have a responsibility to protect men from themselves?
Men are victims of this patriarchal culture too. Believe it or not, many men feel pressured to put out. They feel it's their duty to perform for every sexually liberated woman who will have them -- even if they don't really want to have sex. I know you may be groaning at that statement, but please believe me. Some men aren't even aware of the pressure they're under. Sure they recognize performance anxiety, but few really know when to say "No" to sex. It's your job to do it for them.

Your sexual confidence is an unfair advantage to men. Think of a much older man who seduces a naive 18-year-old girl. There is a power imbalance there. She thinks she wants to have sex, but is this a fair emotional match? Men are sometimes like that young woman when faced with a powerful, liberated sexual woman. Now think of any man who used the "L" word on you just to get you to have sex with him. Was that fair? So is it fair to use your sexually liberated self to get a man to give up the booty, when you know you might hurt his feelings later? Hell no. The first time a man accused me of playing him, I felt it was a badge of honor. I had attained full equity with the boys' club. Now I'm embarrassed that I ever thought those club rules were valuable.

So be responsible, girlfriend. Shag responsibly. Protect the hearts of the nice guys out there. Believe me, men fall hard when their heart breaks. When in doubt, look to your higher self. Welcome to the club of Bad Girls Who Think!

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14 comments so far | Post a comment now
jennifer  October 20, 2009, 7:10 AM

Interesting article- but I was hoping you would touch on married sex. Most of the readers on this site are moms and our single sex days are long behind us.
I especially liked how you deconstructed the skewed feminist idea that women “should” be able to have sex like a man.
I will definitely forward it to my single friends. And I would love an article about married sex- not the same old recycled b.s. but something new.

Anonymous October 20, 2009, 7:50 AM

Free sex is here to stay…What century are you living in the 60’s? Maybe I’ve been off the market for a long time but the single women friends I have are not out there having sex with anyone and everyone. There are just way too many std’s out there and let’s not forget about hiv.

Anonymous October 20, 2009, 8:04 AM

After reading this article I started to get rid of the newsletter, but every magazine or nwsltr put out bad things sometimes. I hope this is the last.Yes, most readers are married—well I thought that.

Anonymous October 20, 2009, 9:02 AM

This is just plain silly. You get what you put, simple. There’s no such thing as too much, only more than YOU can handle.

Christina October 20, 2009, 9:49 AM

“few really know when to say “No” to sex. It’s your job to do it for them.”

Give me the biggest (&^^)*(&%&^$*&%^ break! It’s my job as a woman to BABY the man (or men) in my life?? That’s the same thinking as, “Men can’t control themselves. Men are going to rape. We have to just cope with this by giving more support to women.” It’s a crock! It takes responsibility FROM the man and makes it the woman’s job.

Men can control themselves, and to urge us to take that from them is to discount men in general. It’s insulting to men AND to women!

And this line: “being liberated women isn’t about acting just like men.” AGAIN, you make gender-based assumptions! And THEN you go on to completely contradict yourself. Here you basically say men are sex addicts and can’t help it … then you say Well, they’re pressured by society. Poor things. We’ll have to make their decisions for them.

And OK, hello. I agree with another post about living in this decade. I am a mature, intelligent and open woman and I LOVE SEX! I have a person I get together with specifically and solely for the purpose of physical release. IF I were to meet someone, of course I would enjoy that stable relationship. But it’s just not likely at this point, so WHY should I have to go without physical pleasure with another consenting adult? He and I are completely happy with the situation. In fact, it’s one of the most honest relationships I’ve ever been in!

I imagine it was great fun to write this, and great fun for the editor who stuck the headline on it. It’s also pretty pathetic.

Donna October 20, 2009, 4:30 PM

Some things have not changed….the women having sex with anyone and everyone are still considered sluts by everyone I know.
This site’s reading matter should and could be a lot better.

Melissa October 21, 2009, 7:51 PM

I agree, women shouldn’t have to babysit me sexually. And I would have liked to read about married sex as well. There are married women out there that love sex too!

MA October 28, 2009, 5:33 PM

“We all love sex.”

says who? i HATE sex!

Anonymous November 9, 2009, 2:49 PM

your christian arent you?

lori February 15, 2010, 11:27 PM

first of all who hates sex?? i love sex. im not trying to find the right guy right now or get married anytime soon. i like being single and having sex with who i want when i want to. i have no strings attached sex all the time and i dont like when guys get clingy . im happy and im healthy and im not emotionaly messed up in anyway. if you want to have sex then just do it. just be safe about it.

Missjoy816 March 20, 2010, 1:01 PM

[Standing ovation] VERY well said Christina!!

David April 1, 2010, 12:14 AM

Personally the whole “women protecting men from themselves” theory is total bullshit. It marginalizes an entire gender based upon ignorant actions of a few, and reinforces gender roles which are detrimental to the symbiotic relationship that men and women ought to have.

It also takes away responsibility from the man since the woman is “protecting him from himself” As a human i believe that each INDIVIDUAL is responsible for their own beliefs and actions and both genders must work equally together to help improve the social status of women.

And “Doctor” Walsh (If that is your true title) I appreciate the sentiment but I have served 3 tours in Iraq as an FMF Corpsman (Combat Medic) for the US Navy treating Marines who have been maimed or mutilated by IED’s, RPG’s, and roadside bombs while being fired upon.

I’m pretty damn sure I can protect myself.

Anonymous April 20, 2010, 4:30 PM

Doctor Walsh? Shut up.

Anonymous May 30, 2010, 6:48 PM

“Your sexual confidence is an unfair advantage to men. Think of a much older man who seduces a naive 18-year-old girl. There is a power imbalance there. She thinks she wants to have sex, but is this a fair emotional match? Men are sometimes like that young woman when faced with a powerful, liberated sexual woman.”
That is ridiculous and demeaning to men and women. Im actually too mad to even explain. Just please, don’t have children.

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