twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Cupid, Take Aim at My Ex -- Please!

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

Once my first husband falls in love with someone else, it will be easier for me -- or so they say.

couple with cupid

Wife #2: I was never a huge Valentine's Day person. It always felt like a greeting-card holiday to me, more cheesy than romantic. So I'm a bit surprised at myself these days, as I ponder lingerie and candlelit dinners with Husband #2. He's made my otherwise practical-girl persona go soft. And I couldn't be happier.

So this year, since my affairs of the heart are all permanently wrapped up, my Valentine's Day hopes are for my ex. If that chubby little guy with the arrow could just point and shoot in my ex's direction, I'd be eternally grateful.

People keep telling me that once my ex is in love -- or even happily in like -- things will get better. Maybe he'll stop calling me names, maybe he'll let our kids talk to me on his weekends, maybe he'll even be able to have a conversation with me about things like report cards.

Right now, all of that is impossible. There isn't an e-mail from him that doesn't call me a slut -- or worse. My children say they can't phone me when they're with him, because he either doesn't allow it or he makes them feel so guilty they just don't try.

I know I hurt my ex immeasurably by leaving our marriage for another man. But how many years will it be before we can just reasonably co-parent?

Husband #2 is much more Zen about this, though his ex behaves much the same way mine does. As he sees it, anger and bitterness just can't weather the test of time. He tells me over and over that eventually our former spouses will ease up, as they fall in love and move on.

But I'm not so sure. And that's what scares me.

Divorce agreements can dictate how much time we get with the kids, how much child support is paid and who gets what vacation. But no piece of paper can mandate good parenting. It can't possibly be healthy for my children to feel guilty for talking to their mom, but there's almost nothing I can do about it. At the same time, my ex would say it's not healthy for our kids to have divorced parents. And there's nothing he can do about that, either.

I've thought about going back to the lawyers to force some of these issues. And in my most frustrated moments, I still consider it. But legal wrangling isn't the fix. What I really need from my ex is a little bit of goodwill and acceptance. That may never happen if he's always defined by the pain of our broken marriage. And the real tragedy is for our children, who'll grow up watching the father they love actively hate the mother they love.

I want my ex to be happy. I hope he falls head-over-heels with someone who's more what he needs than I was (an amazing cook who's obsessively punctual and not too chatty would work for him). I hope he has bed-rocking sex and belly laughs before and after. I want that for his sake and for our kids'. Still, I can't help but wonder: If love and anger are in the ring together, who's left standing?

next: Happy Birthday, Judy Blume
16 comments so far | Post a comment now
anothermom February 12, 2010, 6:56 AM

That is a nice wish for your ex…but was just wondering if he may be taking his time or being picky due to his experience w you leaving him for another man. That emotional pain can last a very long time…and possibly affect his trust for another mate or people in general. All that anger and hurt he has from his experience of losing his wife to another man..may need lots of time to heal before he even considers a new mate. Praying for him cant hurt…

Anna February 12, 2010, 6:57 AM

I knew as soon as I saw the headline who this was written by. I didn’t even have to read the article because I knew what it would contain: I wasn’t happy in my first marriage so I was totally justified in cheating on my husband, now my ex and my new stepkids hate me and love making my life difficult but OMG it’s totally not my fault!

Jeez, MomLogic, are you REALLY that hard up for writers?

Jill February 12, 2010, 7:02 AM

I can’t agree more with Anna! They must really need writers…

Cheryl February 12, 2010, 8:58 AM

Guess what? When he does find another woman, it still won’t be better for you. You cannot inflict that kind of pain on so many people and just make it go away. You will be feeling the repercussions of your selfish act for many years to come. You chose when to do your dirt, you don’t get to choose when he gets over it. Do you think it will be “no harm, no foul” when and if he remarries?

commonsense February 12, 2010, 9:41 AM

LOL what a joke. Wife #2 I doubt wants her ex to be happy & while people fall out of love these days she bailed & in most likely cases cheated before leaving which are good for the kids & which she show how much she cared for the ex or the kids by doing. Studies have shown that divorced parents especially when cheating is involved do tend to have negative effects on children which is understandible especially because of the hurt & bitterness that goes with the break up however obviously while I agree keeping the kids from their mother or in most cases their father the fact remains that Wife #2 made her own bed or be it slept in another & has all the blame for the ex’s hurt and the effect on the kids.

As someone said earlier Wife#2 hurt the ex and broke his trust broke his dreams broke he idea of a marriage and relationship & depending on how long they were together let alone including the dating put him in a state where feeling like left abandoned in a desert with no sign of life or water or shelter anywhere in any direction & a lost for how to start over. I don’t remotely feel sorry for wife#2 I feel sorry for her kids & ex but she’s obviously not a good example of a person let alone mother if she did what she did so they seem better off without her. There is one come problem or cause in every problem mentioned above by wife#2 & that is Wife#2 breaking up her first family especially by selfish means. I do agree the ex should be more coopertive for the sake of the kids & when it comes to parenting & obviously that parenting tie is more then the ex wants right now or at all the fact is still that she’s the cause & poor example of a parent.Guys who are in her spot with or without cheating get lambasted & told they deserve what they created & yet wife#2 thinks she doesn’t or that she’s different which just shows how selfish she is & a bad example she is. She thinks her ex should just forget or forgive her & move on while I bet if the roles were reversed that she would be ok with someone saying she should forget or forgive him.

Black Iris February 12, 2010, 10:02 AM

You don’t want the courts to mandate good parenting. You want them to mandate your exes forgiving you. Nobody can do that.

The hard reality is that you hurt your husband. He may never get over it. You can’t command him to feel better. You certainly can’t set the timetable here - divorce is like having somebody die. Most people take 2-5 years to get over it. Some don’t really. I suspect that when divorce is due to a betrayal, it probably takes longer to get over and love again.

Even if he is happy someday, he may not forgive you. God can forgive anything, but most people won’t forgive you unless you’re sorry. You aren’t.

If you really want forgiveness, you need to acknowledge your faults and errors more. You need to focus on how bad your husband feels. Truly try to make him feel better. If there’s nothing you can do to make him feel better without going back to him, stay away from him. The same goes for your current husband’s ex-wife.

cindy February 12, 2010, 1:12 PM

Considering that everything she writes is sh*t, Wife #2 is quite the appropriate pen name…

RamyS February 12, 2010, 8:54 PM

I can honestly say that I too wish my ex would find a valentine. I am divorced and have moved on and am happy and in love and re-married with a beautiful daughter. However, my ex and I can still tolerate each other as co-parents just fine as we have a son together. I can honestly say that I cannot wait for the day he finds “the one” and can have what I have. Happiness. We didn’t have much of that together and I think it would great for my son to see his Dad happy with another woman. Would prefer that he could just skip all the icky girls and head straight to “the one” for my Son’s sake, but don’t think that will happen. Trial and error, right? Anyway, sometimes people do wish their exes love and happiness. Not all break ups have to be tragic. Live and learn. I realize this woman left her hubby for another man, but everything really does happen for a reason. Live and let live. I hope her ex finds someone he loves and trusts.

Anonymous February 16, 2010, 11:30 AM

“Maybe he’ll stop calling me names, maybe he’ll let our kids talk to me on his weekends”
Regardless if he finds love or not, you don’t deserve his forgiveness NOR do you deserve to speak to HIS children on the weekends. You were a horrible “mother” who chose to cheat on her spouse and her children. You’ve made your bed - enjoy it.

Please momlogic- this disgusting excuse for a woman should not be allowed to print this type of trash any longer.

Anonymous February 19, 2010, 6:31 AM

You are going to end up very unhappy and for that I actually feel bad for you. Your children and ex are victims, but in the end you will be the one that suffers most. Enjoy this brief period of “being in love” because it won’t last. Love is an action word not a feeling. We choose to love and act it out. One day the romantic feelings fade, and since this relationship is not built on anything other than lust, you will have a very rude awakening. I predict divorce #2 in your future and you will end up all alone. Your ex will find someone who is committed to him and end up the happy one. Seen this happen too many times before….the writing is on the wall.

Robin February 23, 2010, 12:34 PM

It’s great that she wishes him the best, but it’s true as much as women take infidelity hard, men take it even harder a lot of times because women are usually more forgiving. Women take it that the other woman must be better, prettier, etc., then come to the conclusion that it isn’t their fault.
However, men take it that they’re not a good enough man themselves. It wrecks their self esteem and makes them distrustful of ALL women.
In his time he will move on, but he may never view her betrayal as ok enough to have even kind words for her as long as he lives & that’s something she can’t control. When you mess up, it’s rather nervy to tell someone else when to get over it because you’re tired of feeling guilty!

Tina February 23, 2010, 12:36 PM

More than likely eventually she’ll end up alone while her ex really moves on & her current finds someone else. Since women are usually more sensitive than that, I have to wonder how low she really is to not understand how much it hurts. Men are usually the ones who make excuses, don’t want to keep hearing about their mistakes, and expect forgiveness.

heather March 5, 2010, 4:48 PM

THESE WOMEN ARE HATEFUL. Look, people fall in love with other people, they leave, they have affairs, who are you to judge??? It takes two to run a relationship into the ground. People don’t have affairs because they are happy with their mate!!!! They have them because something is fundementally wrong in the relationship and for whatever reason, be it financial, self-esteem whatever they are unable to leave until they find someone who can help them. What matters is that everyone tries to make sure the children know they are loved, that people be civil and I wish this writer all the best. I truly believe everyone is entitled to love!!! Sometimes, you just find in the most inconvenient times.

As for all you women throwing stones….I hope someday you’re a stay at home mom who has little kids, with an quasi abusive husband who leaches away all your self esteem on a daily basis, and no resources to get you and your children out. Walk a mile, ladies and then quit your smug and judgemental attitudes.

I, for one, cant wait for the next article from this writer because everything she says I can relate to. Please Wife #2, know that there are lots of people out here who relate and can understand and want to hear more?!!!!

anon March 16, 2010, 11:18 PM

Wife #2 stop whining about being judged and unforgiven. You know you did the wrong thing by not divorcing your husband before being with someone else and by being with a married man. Now you are paying the price. You keep saying it is worth it, but you keep thinking you should be done paying already. Sorry. His ex-wife and your ex-husband and the children get to decide that. How does it feel to have someone else ruining your good time? It is called Karma.

Husband #1 April 26, 2010, 5:10 PM

I’m in the same boat as this selfish woman’s poor husband. She’s “moved on” with her life and “happy” now, nevermind the emotional damage done to husband and kids. From her story, this guy had a belief of what a marriage and a family should be and he still can’t come to terms that she betrayed that idea. It may take YEARS of grieving, counseling and re-evaluating his core beliefs before he can accept that there is nothing he can do about it. He feels “trapped” in a situation that he didn’t want or plan for. Even though Wife#2 is a selfish person, the wrong thing to do is point that out to the children (see what mommy is doing?). It only makes them feel worse and it’s pointless because right now they love their mom. Later on they will see and understand the truth and will resent her for it…or not, who knows. Do your ex a favor Wife#2, admit to him that there was NOTHING he could’ve done different to save your marriage because you had already chosen to betray your promise to him. Tell him that the person he once loved and trusted is gone…and that the “new you” is happier without him. Once that “sinks in” he might deal with you in a civil manner…don’t expect him to be your friend or go on double dates with you though. Own up to YOUR decisions, don’t justify your actions by blaming him…go ahead and “be happy” with your new guy because it’s what’s best for YOU…and remember that what goes around comes around.

Ramona Wun January 25, 2011, 10:01 PM

Some truly superb articles on this website,regards for contribution.

Back to top >>