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Jaycee's Journal: 'I Want to Be Free'

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CNN: Jaycee Dugard kept a journal during 18 years of captivity, at times writing about how she yearned for freedom, court documents filed Thursday reveal.

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"It feels like I'm sinking," she wrote in 2004, when she was 24 and being kept with her two daughters in the backyard of Phillip and Nancy Garrido. "I'm afraid I want control of my life. ... This is supposed to be my life to do what I like."

"How can I ever tell him I want to be free," she wrote a year earlier. "Free to come and go as I please. ... Free to say I have a family. I will never cause him pain if it's in my power to prevent it. FREE."

The journal entries were revealed in court papers filed Thursday by prosecutors, who are trying to keep Dugard's current location secret.

Dugard was 11 when she was abducted from the street in front of her house in South Lake Tahoe, California. She was 29 when she was found in August at the Garridos' home in Antioch, about 120 miles away.

The Garridos were charged with her abduction, and Phillip Garrido, 58, is also charged with sexually abusing her. Both have pleaded not guilty to the charges.

Prosecutors allege that Phillip Garrido's attorneys are attempting to contact Dugard, and she wants nothing to do with them.

"It is clear that the defendant is attempting to use the media and his own attorneys to continue to control [her]," Deputy District Attorney James Clinchard wrote in the court filing. The prosecutor referred to Dugard as "Ms. Doe."

Attempts to reach Garrido's lawyer were unsuccessful. An answering machine picked up, with the message that the office was closed for lunch.

An earlier journal entry, written when she was 13, shows a young girl under her captor's spell, prosecutors allege.

"I got [a cat] for my birthday from Phil and Nancy," she wrote in July 1993. "They did something for me that no one else would do for me, they paid 200 dollars just so I could have my own kitten."

But in later entries, she wrote of her frustration with her situation.

"I am afraid he doesn't see how the things he says makes me feel like a prisoner," she wrote in July 2004, about 13 years into her captivity. "Why don't I have control of my life! I feel I can't even be sure my daughters are my own."

According to the court documents, Garrido first sexually assaulted Dugard on the day she was abducted. She was pregnant for the first time at age 13, and gave birth at age 14. She was pregnant with her second child at 16 and gave birth at 17.

The girls, who were 11 and 14 when they were found, were named Angel and Stardust.

In their court papers, prosecutors objected to Phillip Garrido's attempt to arrange visits with Dugard's daughters. "Incredibly, the defense attempts to support their motion with claims that 'the children were raised as the children of Nancy and Phillip Garrido and all five held themselves out to be a family,' " the prosecutor wrote.

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