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Just a Guy Confessing

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I've been holding out on my wife in the (ahem) intimacy department.

unhappy couple in bed

Bruce Sallan: Like Elvis* and Aretha, with their TCB's (Taking Care of Business), I've been laying down on the job. That may have been a poor choice of words given the specific confession, since it's about taking care of my wife in the intimacy department. See, I've become like a woman (okay -- kill me for that comment) in that I'm letting my "hurt feelings" affect me too much.

We have finally agreed that we're the most stubborn couple on the planet with the possible exception of the Clintons. We know what our buttons are; we know our patterns (bad ones, that is), and our therapist has given us the tools to improve our interactions.

Instead, we hold onto all our toys and won't share. We act like little kids -- at least I'll confess that I do on more than one occasion. I'll let my wife speak for herself if she chooses to comment. In that regard (fyi) I NEVER post a blog like this without running it by her first. I'm not that crazy!

The glue that holds a couple together, among other things, is making love, expressing it physically, and I've gotten too sensitive and too lazy about TCB. I love my wife, I'm attracted to her, but I've allowed my feelings to dictate my actions way too much. I vow here and now to improve my part in the equation, though I wouldn't fully count on it as. After all, I'm just a guy.

*As an unrepentant Elvis fan, I will share that he had special pendants made with the initial TCB which he gave to the original "posse," the original "entourage" -- his.

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10 comments so far | Post a comment now
Denise February 6, 2010, 7:35 AM

Well Bruce, I guess candor is certainly not difficult for you, but “just like a woman” (hmmm, isn’t that a Dylan song?). I’d say, get to work NOW big boy - TCB!

Wendi February 6, 2010, 9:36 AM

I think that sometimes men are looked at as just all about sex. People forget that they have feelings too. My hubby is just like you and so am I. It is hard sometimes to put feelings aside, it is hard sometimes to find time. Both require work, and lots of it. Good luck, I hope you can get things rolling in the right direction again.

Bruce Sallan February 6, 2010, 10:03 AM

Thanks for the thoughtful comment Wendi. I am sure we will (with the emphasis on ME) get things rockin’ AND rolling again!

CuteMonsterDad February 6, 2010, 12:14 PM

My advice. Less mea culpa online about lack of intimacy w/wife, and more action offline. Actions speak louder than words.

Emma February 6, 2010, 9:52 PM

In answer to CuteMonsterDad I would say that from what I can see, Bruce is a Writer. I follow him on Twitter @BruceSallan and on Facebook “A Dad’s Point of View” and I can feel the writing pouring very naturally from him.

To suggest that Bruce not express himself in writing is like telling a painter not to paint.

Bruce mentions that he is seeing a couples therapist. Declaring responsibility for what is happening in the marriage is no doubt part of the work being done there.

I would agree with you that following up on the on-line declarations with appropriate off-line effort is required but I don’t think it’s Bruce’s writing and sharing that’s the issue.

chris February 8, 2010, 6:05 AM

Remember what I said before Bruce, it all goes back to fighting fair. If you are honest with your wife at the time that your feelings are hurt and resolve the problem then and there, you won’t carry those feelings over to bed time. I’ve been married almost 17yrs and I never let bad feelings carry over into our sex life. I feel very grateful that my husband and I both respect each other feelings, fight fairly and show each other everyday that we “still” love each other and can’t image life without the other one everyday. And sometimes even when having a bad day and not really into the whole loving you today feeling I still act it because I believe in the whole fake it to you make it because if I’m more aware of trying to be nice then I will be nicer. Now go and make wonderful love to your wife, tell her she means the world to you and just enjoy!

CuteMonsterDad February 8, 2010, 7:33 AM

In response to Emma’s reply:
I myself am an actor, writer, graphic artist and father. To choose to use one’s craft as a means of expression over making a direct connection with one’s partner is obviously problematic. When it comes to expressing intimacy, the painter must put down the brush, the writer put down the pen or step away from the keyboard, etc. to make that direct connection. Otherwise there will never be balance in the relationship.


Bruce Sallan February 8, 2010, 9:29 AM

I appreciate everyone’s comments on this blog - very much - included yours, CuteMonsterDad! Thanks. And, thank you Chris and Emma for your wisdom (and Emma for your defense of me - lol). We are both working at improving our marriage - I’m grateful I’m not alone in our efforts, as the underlying love and shared values are there but life has intruded a bit much our first year - no one’s fault!

David March 30, 2010, 3:31 PM


Ten Tees January 9, 2011, 1:11 PM

Nice site! Nice and fun reading. There’s a small thing to give about tee shirts.

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